ALTERNATE REALITIES, tOSU/USC
Alternate reality one! Outmanned going into a crucial matchup with USC, Jim Tressel, desperate for an edge against a formidable foe favored by double digits at home and looking for some way, any way for Ohio State to not drop a third, non-conference, high-profile game in a row, thus earning the disdain of pollsters for the rest of the season and botching any shot at a national title barring massive collapse by all other contenders, takes the most drastic step of all: he injects a huge dose of pure Essence of Ohio into USC’s California-approved, all-organic, low-fat pre-game meal.
Reaction from the players and staff: immediate and emotional.
“The sadness…the…anger…I don’t know how people don’t kill themselves feeling like this,” says linebacker Brian Cushing. “And I’m from New Jersey. Trust me, I know misery when I feel it.”
“I don’t know. We’re gonna have to fight this but…I feel so sad right now, like someone just killed a puppy in front of me and then drained all the color from my world,” said Rey Maualuga, vomiting into a trash can in between sentences. “I scarcely have the energy to decapitate three people today. That’s …that’s just not me, man.”
Pete Carroll would be unavailable for comment, spending much of his pregame locked alone in his office with a loaded gun and bottle of scotch.
With the Trojans poisoned with the pure, undistilled misery of an Ohio existence, they would put on a shoddy show, turning the ball over three times and allowing 200 yards rushing to Ohio State in a sloppy, undisciplined 17-13 win over the Buckeyes. (But it was close!)
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51
Josh says:
Has anyone else actually gone to school at The Ohio State University? I have.
First thing. The rooms do have air conditioning. Not sure where you get your info, but from all the dorm rooms I have seen, OSU has some of the nicest conditions.
Second thing. The inner part of the campus is full of great areas to hang out. We have Mirron Lake, 2 Ovals (quads for everyone outside of Columbus) and numerous recreation areas.
Third thing. The area outside the campus has been revitalized as of late. Not to mention all the work that has been paid to the downtown area’s around the hockey arena and the new baseball stadium.
Just thought I would offer an opinion from someone who actually went to school there.
September 10th, 2008 at 9:57 am
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Matthew says:
Cincinnati was rated a top ten party city in the nation by forbes. If you dont believe that come to oktoberfest. We serve beer at every sporting event except uc mens baseball. I heard the “Overrated Sports University” (OSU) in columbus doesnt serve beer at their games, thats reason enough for me to never want to go to one one their games. GO BEARCATS!!!!!!!!!
September 10th, 2008 at 11:14 am
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Cinsky says:
Let’s take a look at California for a second:
Mulholland Dr.: named after William Mulholland who diverted rivers from fertile valleys hundreds of miles away turning them into deserts so that LA could exist. Also, by the way Mid-westerners, States like California were actually trying to obtain rights to get water from the great lakes (which would probably cause them to drain) to provide water to their citizens. The same citizens who chose to live out west where it is primarily a desert/desert like climate but still want green lawns. People from Georgia, Florida, and parts of the Carolinas should be able to tell us how excessive pumping of bodies of water work out (BTW how is that drought treating you?).
California, a state with people who build homes on hill sides which are prone to landslides after heavy rains and/or earthquakes and want to rebuild in the same spot.
California, a state which if I recall correctly, teaches Ebonics alongside real languages.
September 10th, 2008 at 11:28 am
54
Ryan says:
The only reason Cinci can serve booze at games is because they don’t have enough money to build their own facilities. NCAA rules prohibit an NCAA OWNED facility to serve it. Call us when you want to be a big boy program and have your own place to call home, not sponge off of the Bengals.
September 10th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
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Ryan says:
Cedar Pt’s largest market isn’t Ohio, it is SE Michigan. Where else do you think all the line smokers, and Ted Nugent/Kid Rock/Eminem look alikes come from. Certainly not Ohio!
September 10th, 2008 at 12:33 pm
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John Carter says:
Who puts these stupid pieces together anyway? Media school washouts from UCLA or USC or something? Damn, at least be a little funny or something.
As for SoCal, I’ve spent a fair amount of time there and if you’re interested in vanity and shallowness, that’s your place. Pretty much a land where people tell each other how important they are, how good they look, and how much other people wish they were them.
My reaction? Thank you. Please keep telling yourself that and keep to your little area…let the rest of us enjoy the good parts of the country.
September 12th, 2008 at 11:01 pm
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AL says:
What a Bunch of DumbAsses. You guys swear that your not inbred. Hopefully all of your brothers, cousins, uncles and fathers (all the same person), left our state and went back with your homes in tow. Until next year, when we go spank that ASS again. In 2009 we will make an effort to infuse your gene pool with some intelligence. Fight On Putos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
September 16th, 2008 at 11:00 am