VANDY WINS. WE KNOW NOTHING.
Vandy wins their first game at home and delivers the flaming fart of vengeance denied to Steve Spurrier, 24-17. We know nothing.
The Vandy death-fart incinerates Spurrier. Again.
September 4, 2008
SOUTH CAROLINA/VANDY: OPEN THREAD
Spurrier, hungry for…um…victory?
We begin our open thread with a question: if we were to do something ridiculous for charity involving college football–realistically–what would you pay money to see us do? Within family friendly standards?
Do your worst.
THE EDSBS FACTOR FIVE FIVE FACTOR PREVIEW.
Welcome to our first Factor Five Five Factor Review of the year. This used to be six factors, but we tend to count like Aborigines: one, two, many. So actually listing five topics is a bit of a stretch anyway, let alone going to six.
The topic of day: tonight’s matchup between South Carolina and Vanderbilt. Don’t laugh. Someone’s gonna die. Someone always does when these two meet. Blood. Fires. Weeping mothers clutching pictures. Apologies. Not really. But it’s better to think of it that way, because its a fairly weak slate of games for week two.
Category one: Nebulous Statistical Comparisons of Dubious Validity. Vanderbilt made us look like grand imbeciles when Miami opted to play a 1-1-9 defense, or whatever else they did to allow Chris Nickson to run for 166 yards on them. His numbers read like the reversed digits of a classic run-option qb: 166 rushing, 91 yards passing, and 2 TDs on the ground versus one passing. Unless we’re missing the early baby fits of a Vince Young in the making, we will assume Miami’s run defense is woeful and will remain woeful. (Having Seen Chris Nickson play before, we feel free-ballin’ comfortable saying this.)
No, it’s yours, seriously. Take it. Photo appears courtesy of KENNY SMITH, who has IMMENSE BLOGGING BALLS. There, how’s that?
Turnovers played a role in Vandy’s win, as well: Miami coughed up three interceptions, but still gained 340 yards to Vandy’s 360 overall. (more…)
MEDIA WHORING: ESPN RADIO, US, WHEEEE
Scott Van Pelt is letting us get in some quality media whoring at 3:12 p.m. EDT on ESPN Radio. Tune in to hear INTERNET HISTORY/us making ATHF and Squidbillies jokes with the most magical forehead in all of sports broadcasting.
All worlds are yours except Scott Van Pelt’s forehead.
GREG ROBINSON PAIN INDEX: WE ARE AT ELEVEN
I will eat your children, praise Allah. Love, Zippy.Syracuse in the Gerg Robinson era in the Big East: 2-19 overall, with the two victories coming over the eleven-man sieve that was the 2007 Louisville defense and a 20-14 win mistakenly labeled as a conference win over “UConn.” We’re certain that if the records keepers of CFB look back, they’ll see that was not the University of Connecticut taking the field that day under the Carrier Dome, but instead a plucky but overmatched University of Yukon team. (Motto: Y-U? Y-Not? Answer: frostbite, starvation, wolves.)
In addition to finding sudden joy in mistyping Gerg Robinson’s name, since “Gerg” seems like such a better nickname than any other we can make up, the long, painful, fat-man-tumbling-downhill decline of Syracuse is made all the more interesting for us as teams now seemingly out of league are now licking their chops at the prospect of playing the Orangemen.
Sick lion, meet your menacing hyena of the week:
”This week is our week to show we can really play. We have to step it up a notch,” said Zips defensive captain Doug Williams, a senior linebacker. ”We have to work hard, practice hard, give it all we got and show we are a team that can win a BCS game.”
They’re unaware of the clause excising Syracuse from formal consideration as a “BCS victory” this season, but please don’t tell them that. TNIAAM has the essential review here, where you can admire both his skill in learning all things Akron in a matter of days, and also admire his continued bravery in the face of a continual, unrelenting cockslapping by Fate. Godspeed, you Orange Emperors. You’ll need it: Zippy is gaining on you.
MIAMI, THE LAND THAT SHAME FORGOT
The first time we went to Miami, it was in the midst of a long, chemical-addled college night. Someone had just eaten a whole stick of butter on a dare. Someone else was nailing aluminum foil to the wall and calling it wallpaper. Someone else was watching Akira and reloading the bong. Someone suggested driving down to Miami from Gainesville. It was an evening of numerous and equally absurd options.
Fatal, tacky, glorious, carnivorous: Miami.
We made the obvious decision: drive to Miami. Having consumed somewhere between 3 and 12 beers, this made perfect sense at the time. After all, we had over one hundred dollars in our dirty little hands. One hundred dollars! That’s more money than Tony Montana came to America with, cabron! We’ll be stocked with backyard tigers and Michelle Pfeiffer braless and face down in a pile of blow in no time.
After a woozy, smoky blast down the Ronald Reagan Turnpike, we wound up at a hotel called “The Berkley Shores.” (more…)
CURIOUS INDEX, 9/4/08
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Don’t ask a football coach to do the math. The new clock rules are, in fact, giving you less football whether your realize it or not, contradicting the predictions made by Bridgewater College coach and head of the NCAA Rules Committee that such rules would encourage consistent pace of play, whiten collars, improve posture, blahcetera, blahcetera. We should have known this was coming when it came wrapped in the title of “The 2008 Longer Games with More Plays Act.”
The other missing element in this is the advent of the hurry-up, which Colorado flirted with against Colorado State but was otherwise absent from most games. This was supposed to be the counter against the 40 second clock to spring up all over the place, but aside from a few abortive rushes to the line by Michigan on Saturday, we didn’t see it at all. Another reason to take missives from on high, reverse them, and then read for intent and truthiness. South Carolina opens as a ten point road favorite tonight at Vanderbilt. South Carolina was ranked sixth last year when the Commodores beat them and triggered the Cocks’ sudden loss of rigidity in the second half of the season, causing them to droop to a 6-6 finish and hurting the feelings of their fans, who’d never had that happen to them before. We kid: that’s happened to South Carolina fans for the majority of their lives as fans. They’re used to it, and after all, it happens to everyone. Gamecocks: the mascot name that keeps on giving, because it kinda means dick. Classes include the Stabler Stumble, Dubose Desk Aerobics. What makes it BamAerobics we’re not sure: firing the instructor halfway through class? Everyone lifting up their step platform and finding five thousand dollars just sitting there? Paul Finebaum deploring your lack of effort on air squats? It’s popular enough to have people turned away at the door whatever the appeal may be, and it’s worth clicking over just for the picture of the two guys in the featured photo. “This isn’t gay, right?” “Nope. Not gay. Definitely not homosexual to be in an aerobics class.” Yay! Portable FAIL! The iPhone App for college football users on the go: the AP top 25 in your hand, complete with all sorts of other goodies like a graph showing your team’s plummet from their ridiculously high preseason rankings. Clemson fans, download now! Segue! Urrbody on the bus get testy. Clemson defensive end Jamie Cumbie helped Clemson coordinator top off an AWESOME week of baiting Alabama in the press and then having his head served to him on a plate by the Crimson Tide run game. Cumbie was involved in “an altercation” with Koenning on the team bus following the game over his lack of starting time, and a brouhaha resulted in Cumbie strapping a bomb to the bus that, if it dropped below 55 miles an hour, would go off, destroying everyone on it. Tommy Bowden called Nick Saban for advice, and Alabama coach generously suggested he shoot the hostage. |
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