GATORS DEMONSTRATE POOR TISSUE ETIQUETTE

by Orson on Sep 3, 2008 11:25 AM EDT

We apologize.

You have no idea how your body works. None. You wake up each day for reasons you don't understand, eat things you can't name the ingredients to, drink beverages you can't make yourself, and then pass out at an appointed time you can choose within certain parameters. (Like it or not, even Pete Carroll has to literally lie down for hours at a time like an unbelievable pussy. You do it for eight hours a night on average, you simpering mollycoddle.)

It's probably for the best that you don't understand how it works. Percy Harvin is the cautionary tale of going down the rabbit hole of anatomical connections, where you discover that the heel injury is connected to the knee, to the hip, and that if you so much as breathe on any of this incorrectly, it gets huffy--nay! Insulted, even.

"The bottom of the heel is filled with tiny honeycombs, lobules of fat and muscle that absorb shock. You have insulted those during surgery, so you're not going to be able to bear weight on it the same way right away."

In retrospect, our calling Percy Harvin's heel "a fucking asshole" two years ago may have been a tactical error. We apologize profusely. On the upside, if Harvin jukes left against Tennessee and his head explodes, you'll now have a very tangential and vivid illustration of how everything in the human body truly is connected.

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The ~~bottom of the heel~~ liver is filled with tiny honeycombs, lobules of fat and muscle that absorb ~~shock~~ alcohol. You have insulted those during ~~surgery~~ drinking your ass off, so youre not going to be able to bear ~~weight~~ drinking on it the same way right away.

There we go, that’s what most college-age men hear from doctors.

by BurritoBrosShits on Sep 3, 2008 11:33 AM EDT reply actions

Not the first time someone’s added insult to injury.

by She Blinded Me With Violence on Sep 3, 2008 11:33 AM EDT reply actions

Off topic…ESPN’s Bottom 10
http://sports.espn.go.com/ncf/news/story?page=bottom10081

Amusing.

by blon on Sep 3, 2008 11:43 AM EDT reply actions

anytime I hear the phrase “lobules of fat and muscle that absorb shock” I think of Coach Fulmer

where is Ms HRA anyway?

by InsaneCoachPosse on Sep 3, 2008 12:08 PM EDT reply actions

So when can we expect to see the first mention of “insulted honeycombs” on an injury report.

by jakldawg on Sep 3, 2008 12:08 PM EDT reply actions

FUCK YOU LIVER!!!

/any self respecting male college football fan, starting last Thursday and extending some time into early next year (over 21, natch)

by skinnyphatman on Sep 3, 2008 12:17 PM EDT reply actions

I’m with you phatman, but I had to temporarily get on the wagon yesterday and hope to stay there one more night. It was starting to have marital implications. Obviously, I will fall off and it will run me over sometime during the third quarter tomorrow night.

by Vol on Sep 3, 2008 1:09 PM EDT reply actions