A moment of silence, please: Jerry Reed, dead at the age of 71. He sang “Amos Moses,” “She Got the Goldmine (and I Got the Shaft),” and “When You’re Hot, You’re Hot,” but we owe Mr. Reed the greatest debt for making the song we play in our head when, just seconds after the cops turn on the lights to pull you over for an expired tag, we think about gunning the engine and seeing who’s the better wheel-jockey, baby.
R.I.P., Snowman.
American Greatness In One Image: Fres-no? Fres-yes. (HT: The Wiz.)
Oklahoma State, discriminating against the childless again. Take a kid to the game! Any kid! Just grab one from a nearby preschool or crib, and they get into the game free with the purchase of one adult ticket for yourself! Their parents will understand without you ever telling them. Hell, some of them might not even want them back. Then you’ll have your own child, ready-made and willing to do all of the things children excel at like crawling under the house to change airfilters and cleaning other people’s chimneys for cash only.
I-4 is lined with the bodies of those swept up in this tragic conflict. How red-hot is the rivalry between UCF and USF? So caustic that Matt Grothe makes jokes about how they ran out of bottled water at the games thanks to the delayed installation of water fountains at UCF’s stadium. It’s those kind of words that rip unhealable wounds in a relationship. Mr. Grothe.
Corso hisses. Desmond Howard counts a very special number for Jeremy Maclin. Chris Fowler pronounces Clemson and Alabama fans as “fucked up.” Gameday gets the thorough remixing and Unnecessary Censorshop treatment courtesy of Holly’s deft digital hands and the magic of TiVo.
Enjoy.
Gameday Remixed is sponsored by Gillette, which reminds you that only Gillette can help you “Look, Feel, and Fuck Your Best.”
“Police” visted the “apartment” of “Penn State football players” “last night.” Whatever they were doing, it led to some stuff being searched, some stuff being taken from the apartment, and some of the vaguest, limited, and narrowly circumscribed reportage ever set to paper/screen. The most meaningful thing from the entire piece:
At least four Penn State Police vehicles were at the scene — a Special Response Unit, two cruisers and an SUV.
There was no violence or struggle, but just in case the local police were coming loaded for bear and in numbers, which ESPN says is evidence Joe Paterno may or may not be running a ROGUE PROGRAM!!! Get me dramatic shots of the campus; a statue of Joe Paterno in focus, and then out of focus; interviews with local columnists who, after three seconds of thought, will make an opinion surprisingly in key with exactly what I want to hear. Get me Jeremy Schaap and his muppet voice NOW!
Do not confuse this with fact, but the fact-like substance floating around about the case is that it’s a combo noise violation and weed complaint sure to draw twice as much fire as it actually deserves in the press. (Touch that any and all “allegedly and possibly inaccurate” sticks as you like.)
You have no idea how your body works. None. You wake up each day for reasons you don’t understand, eat things you can’t name the ingredients to, drink beverages you can’t make yourself, and then pass out at an appointed time you can choose within certain parameters. (Like it or not, even Pete Carroll has to literally lie down for hours at a time like an unbelievable pussy. You do it for eight hours a night on average, you simpering mollycoddle.)
It’s probably for the best that you don’t understand how it works. Percy Harvin is the cautionary tale of going down the rabbit hole of anatomical connections, where you discover that the heel injury is connected to the knee, to the hip, and that if you so much as breathe on any of this incorrectly, it gets huffy–nay! Insulted, even.
“The bottom of the heel is filled with tiny honeycombs, lobules of fat and muscle that absorb shock. You have insulted those during surgery, so you’re not going to be able to bear weight on it the same way right away.”
In retrospect, our calling Percy Harvin’s heel “a fucking asshole” two years ago may have been a tactical error. We apologize profusely. On the upside, if Harvin jukes left against Tennessee and his head explodes, you’ll now have a very tangential and vivid illustration of how everything in the human body truly is connected.
…as in, like an atom, there was mostly empty space in Cleveland for the Kent State/Boston College game. Announced attendance: 10,788. Number of confused Browns fans who showed up: 5,037. Number of beers consumed by those fans: One millionthousandeighty.
For future reference: if you need a quiet, empty place to spray-paint some boards or cook chitlins without bothering anyone else, a neutral site game between the ACC and the MAC looks perfect. Add in the well-spaced fans at the ACC Championship Game, and we’re just heaping burning shame on the ACC it really doesn’t need, now. You’ve got a great personality! Your skin, oh, it’s fabulous! And there’s that degree you’ve got! You’ve…you’ve got so much…tears. Great, tears.
They’re going to need a minute. Please, turn off the cameras. (HT: Nathan.)
Insert “a quarterback running for his goddamn life” here. Jimbo Fisher will not divulge his starter for Florida State’s opener Saturday. (Remember: Florida State did not participate in the “ACC, How My Ass Taste? Weekend.” They had a hall pass or something.)
Ninth-year starter Drew Weatherford, Christian Ponder, or D’Vontrey Richardson will start. If Richardson starts, Florida State may have to forfeit the game, as we suspect D’Vontrey is just a pseudonym for Xavier Lee, who has been training with Henri Ducard on a Tibetan mountaintop learning to use fear as a weapon, shadow as a friend, and the skinny post as a spear against hesitation.
So you’re staying, pretty standard for gameday? Tiger Stadium took damage from Hurricane Gustav that sounds fairly mild compared to what could have happened (on a standard Saturday night, anyway.)
However, Tiger Stadium had some damage, including broken glass and torn awnings over club seats. Debris littered the stands and playing field and the fence surrounding the field was damaged. A large scoreboard above the north end zone also was damaged.
FEMA responded by sending LSU fifteen thousand expired MREs and purchasing eighty tons of concrete and shipping it overnight to San Juan, Puerto Rico. LSU plans to use the MRE’s to feed Ricky Jean-Francois for three days and will muddle along fine without outside help.
However, Tiger Stadium had some damage, including broken glass and torn awnings over club seats. Debris littered the stands and playing field and the fence surrounding the field was damaged. A large scoreboard above the north end zone also was damaged.
Perhaps Fowler has an allergy to intentionally frayed baseball caps. Blutarsky points out that while Gameday has been toinvolved (see comment thread for clarification/correction) Florida 27 times (because it’s so fun! not because of Borg-demography determining much of what ESPN does!), Georgia and LSU are not in the top ten in appearances. Georgia’s absence from this is baffling, while LSU’s may be more explicable: the environment is so absolutely hectic on Gameday that we’d wager staging a live broadcast there has to be a nine-ring circus of uncaged animals and rampant logistical curveballs. (”Whaddya mean we have to pay some guy named Laveaux a grand to get the lights on?”)
Mr. Stabby, Oklahoma State fan in training. Belated note of football-related violence: Oklahoma football players out for a night on the town did write checks their bodies can’t cash, son. [/topgun'd!] Anytime you suffer a “minor stab wound and collapsed lung” and walk away from things, you’re in the win column in life.
You know this was not the work of T. Boone Pickens’ wind-powered assassin robots, since they would have finished the job and then recycled the bodies in an eco-friendly, economically viable fashion.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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