DR. LOU, TIUJANA BRAIN SURGEON
Reader email begins this discussion of whatever the hell the Dr. Lou segment was last night. Mike asks:
It’s like the pep talk, but without the aspects of the pep talk that made sense. Please explain what I saw last night and help me prevent spontaneous cerebral combustion.
Some things defy explanation. The sublimity of the pep talks last year, where Holtz was allowed to leap around in front of the camera in his natural environment like lithe mercury-swilling madman he really is, have instead been replaced by a seated Holtz doing his best Leo Marvin-via-the-Catskills shrink routine. The results can only be explained by one thing and one thing only: the devastating effects of penis hookworm.
Glad we could clear that up for you. Mad, awkward bit on ESPN = sure sign of penis hookworm. Judging from the number of awkward, mad bits on ESPN, there must be a raging infestation at Bristol. Alert the CDC at once, and tell them to lay down quarantine orders at once for all infected individuals save for Merrill Hoge, who is too far gone for medical science to save.









1
NewAZTiger says:
ESS EEE S…er… penis hookworm? Nevermind.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:27 am
2
meatybob says:
Eh, he is still better than Chris Berman.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:29 am
3
boogerville says:
Just. Fucking. Awful.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:31 am
4
haybeav says:
Man, when is he going to die?
August 29th, 2008 at 10:32 am
5
IM A MAN, IM FORTY says:
How far into the bucket of Kittens do you get before you pick up the phone and call Dr. Lou?
August 29th, 2008 at 10:32 am
6
CKGator says:
So Lou gets to continue rolling out cliches and the WWL doesn’t have to spend money on props like newspapers and team helmets. The recession is truly hitting us all…
August 29th, 2008 at 10:33 am
7
haybeav says:
I mean, Stevie Ray Vaughn is dead, and we can’t Lou Holtz into a helicopter.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:36 am
8
TripleABailBonds says:
Fulmer Cup over?
The Tide adds another arrest.
Daren Hallman.
Theft of property.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:36 am
9
Bobby Decatur says:
The Holtz thing isn’t even ironically funny or sardonic anymore. He needs to be taken out back and quietly disposed of. And while they’re at it, a more Ceaucescuian execution in the public square would be more appropriate for Mark May.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:38 am
10
Berdingo says:
My favorite part is how terribly pissed off Lloyd sounds on the phone. You can almost hear him muttering under his breath “WTF do those douches in the press want me to ask fucking namby pamby piece on my fucking golf game? Can’t I at least get to ask about Maureen Dowd’s latest column, or about the DNC? At least they don’t want me to ask about beating OSU…”
I’m surprised at the negative reaction to Lou. He is the only humorous part of the halftime show. Last year, his pep talks were must see TV since they were generally insane bordering on what-the-fucked-ness. It sure beats some windbag going on and on with what passes as “analysis”.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:42 am
11
blon57 says:
#3 & #8- Bravo.
Does ESPN consider the overall IQ of their viewers when deciding on programming or commentators? I think not.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:43 am
12
MCab says:
Nation, this is a mental tarbaby if there ever was one. All attempts at comprehension lead to more confusion.
Why anybody sat through it and watched is beyond me. We oughta know by now.
I keep thinking of Good Morning Vietnam when Kroneur’s replacement was getting letters: “Dear sir, you suck.”
August 29th, 2008 at 10:48 am
13
AP says:
What the fuck was that?
August 29th, 2008 at 10:52 am
14
gerry dorsey says:
now if espn could get the REAL leo marvin to do this…then we’d have something.
baby steps.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:57 am
15
Kernel says:
ESPN hates America
August 29th, 2008 at 10:57 am
16
Terry Tate, Office Linebacker says:
Seriously- i was waiting on today’s Holtz article to come out after witnessing last night. That shrinky-dink with a lisp really really needs to disappear. As if i didn’t hate ESPN enough for their brazen cocksuckery and man-crush on USC and hatred of the SEC, now i have to fight the razor-to-the-wrists that is watching Lou try to live another day? fuck me in the goat ass.
August 29th, 2008 at 10:59 am
17
Anonymous IV says:
Calling Dr. Lou a Tijuana brain surgeon insults the quality of work that Tijuana brain surgeons are known for providing. At least in Tijuana you get a bottle of Tequila to numb the pain and help you recover.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:00 am
18
Bobby Decatur says:
ESPN hates the SEC? I’ll bet you $2.25 billion that they don’t…
August 29th, 2008 at 11:01 am
19
Darkknight says:
#12 : “mental tarbaby” = fonking brillant.
Almost as good as Chuck D’s “intellectual Vietnam”
August 29th, 2008 at 11:07 am
20
gold man says:
some people need to lighten up and realize that if it weren’t for lou holtz weekly hallucinatory segments…well… we’d have a little bit less to laugh at in the CFB world.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:09 am
21
Berdingo says:
I just wish Tim Tebow had asked the good doctor for advice on how to perform circumcisions. The would have been a conversations worth its weight in gold. Especially with the listhpss.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:10 am
22
Digital Headbutt says:
Thank you for your kind email response and explanation, Orson. However, I think you may be too l–(head explodes)
August 29th, 2008 at 11:13 am
23
sb says:
I awakened on the sofa, after being put to sleep by SOS not horse-collaring his wonderfully inept starting qb, to visions of a pseudo-psychiatrist who looked and sounded remarkably like granny Lou, and who was freely dispersing advice about how I needed to maintain a positive relationship with my wife ( then soundly asleep in bed) in order to attain any level of self-worth and credibility and to appear good in the eyes of my fellow men, when my bottle (now warm) of Sierra Nevada Pale Ale spilled onto my crotch; not only bringing me fully conscious with self-reproach and anger interlaced with sotto voce expletives, but reminding me that I had already given this particular game and this particular psyche session way more time than they collectively deserved, so with wet pants and minimal lights guiding my feet toward my bed, I terminated my unwanted psychological appointment and actually slept well for the first time in hours…
August 29th, 2008 at 11:18 am
24
CincySooner says:
#23… “slept well for the first time in hours”?? Lucky bastard.
I layed awake staring at my closet waiting for the moment when Granny Lou would burst from the door and tell me how to be “significant”.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:56 am
25
PJ from NU in SF says:
I’m really torn about this.
On one hand, Lou Holtz deservedly needs to be put out to pasture. There is nothing sadder than an old man making a fool of himself.
On the other, until I’m his age, it’s awfully fun to watch what old people do, and Hans Moleman agrees.
But, really, “Tiujana” ? Geez, Orson, did the donkey show addle your brain that much?
August 29th, 2008 at 11:57 am
26
hobeg8r says:
I really have nothing constructive to add to what has already been said as to the banality/stupidity of the Dr. Lou bit. But, in case there is a collection being taken up to purchase the drugs (or a hit man) to put Lou out of his (my) misery, count me in.
August 29th, 2008 at 11:58 am
27
wvuhomer says:
I wonder who slips the LSD into Lou’s breakfast burrito? I’m guessing it’s Rece.
August 29th, 2008 at 12:13 pm
28
Stacey Keibler Luvs Me says:
Up With Life Dept:
I thought the Lou Holtz bit was really funny. (Does not bother me that he is not a USC(west) fan and loves notre dame, even though they showed him the door after many years of service.)
Lou, like Beano, Corso and Paul McGuire are tolerable in small dosages.
August 29th, 2008 at 12:16 pm
29
hunterj6 says:
F. U. EDSBS, thats right F. U.!…
Because, if it weren’t for this site and my quest to add spectacular commentary on any college football related subject than I would have simply changed the channel last night. I would have ignored Lou Holtz like a homeless person that smells like Reggie F’n Nelson after practice in the Florida heat.
But nooooo, somebody had to go and create a fantastic site to talk about college football. Thanks!
August 29th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
30
Sgt. Barwis's Beatdown Brigade says:
I have no problem with Lou Holth making a fool of himself on national TV in his dotage. Maybe when Charlie Weis is old, ESPN can hire him, too. He will no doubt want to be on… wait for it… Cold Pizza.
August 29th, 2008 at 12:22 pm
31
InsaneCoachPosse says:
I saw the “Bachelor of Football Science” from Arkansas, the “Master” dipoloma from ND, but I did not see the “Paroled for Good Behavior” from SoCarolina… what happened there?
August 29th, 2008 at 12:44 pm
32
Raider Red says:
As the sign said last year on Gameday:
“LOU HOLTZ IS A GENIUSH”
Although I didn’t see diplomas from Minnesota or the Jets either. Hmm.
August 29th, 2008 at 12:53 pm
33
Flatlander says:
My buddy used to be the service manager at BMW dealership here in Chicagoland… Hoge would bring in his car and complain about a specific rattle .
There was never any rattle. (Except maybe in Merrill’s head.)
/carry on
August 29th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
34
now_a_hoo says:
@31-
And no “BA- Inexplicably Cheating At A Small School, SCL, PBK” from William & Mary, either.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:18 pm
35
hobeg8r says:
@ 30 – Dear Sgt: There is only 1 flaw in your reasoning. With Weis around, there wouldn’t be any pizza left to GET cold.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:22 pm
36
blon57 says:
Did he say that he had four honorary doctorate degrees? Did I hear that correctly? What university would give Lou Holtz an honorary doctorate?
August 29th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
37
Sgt. Barwis's Beatdown Brigade says:
@36,
No, he said he had four honorary doctorate degreeth.
August 29th, 2008 at 1:37 pm
38
NewAZTiger says:
#8: The arrest was on 8/18/08. It was their long snapper, and his mugshot looks like he’s on meth, er, I mean succeeding in the 4th quarter program.
So, it would count in the Fulmer cup, but it won’t change the results.
August 29th, 2008 at 2:09 pm
39
blon57 says:
#37
My faith in America’s universities have been restored.
August 29th, 2008 at 2:34 pm
40
blon57 says:
But then I graduated from a school that gave our head football coach an endowed chair, The Mack Brown Distinguished Chair for Leadership in Global Affairs. Please, someone tell me what Mack Brown has to do with global affairs.
I have no room to talk. Lou Holtz can carry on.
August 29th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
41
sb says:
cinci @ #24…wouldn’t that be “thigniphicanth”?
My sleep was aided by the ultimate understanding that the SOS I watched last night was not the SOS I remembered from the Wonder Years of the ’90’s in Gainesville…the nagging question about the rehiring of SOS or the hiring of Meyer has now been fully and completely put to rest in my mind. Kinda like that one girl that maybe you could have or should have and you always wondered what if…then you see her with all six kids and her hair in curlers and think “Ahhh, no…good choice” to yourself in quiet thanks for paying attention to your inner guidance. The world works…just give it a chance.
August 29th, 2008 at 3:26 pm
42
pc says:
8 and 38, geesh, their snappers name wasn’t on any arrest sheet. it was some christopher or something, get your facts straight people. and look at the pictures, its not the same kid
September 9th, 2008 at 11:40 pm