FLORIDA’S DEFENSE: THE UTOPIAN VERSION
December 7th, 2008. 3:40 a.m. at The Cheetah Club, Atlanta.
[Omar Hunter, Florida freshman tackle, walks into the club. He has just finished an SEC title game with seven tackles, two sacks, and two passes batted at the line of scrimmage. His back feels springy, lithe, and free of any injury. He sits at a table with fellow Florida defenders Major Wright, Jacques Rickerson, and Joe Haden.]
Hunter: They didn’t even check my ID, man. Isn’t this place supposed to be closed now?
Rickerson: You don’t need an ID at the Cheetah, baby. All you need is an SEC Championship. And you have one of those. UNDEFEATED!!!!
Wright et al: YEAAAAH!!! [They raise drinks.]
Hunter: Where’d you get that champagne, Maj?
Major: They’re just giving it to us. They don’t even want us to pay! The strippers really like us, too! I know they always say that, but this time they really mean it!
Strippers, in chorus: WE DO! WE REALLY, REALLY LIKE YOU!
Haden: Man, it’s amazing how we suddenly took the step into being real, live All-SEC corners in just our second years as starters!
Rickerson: It is amazing. Almost improbable! It’s especially amazing that we got such amazing play from our other safety, whoever that guy is.
Major Wright toasting: Yeah—that guy, whoever he is, is lockdown tight nasty, baby.
ALL: TO THAT GUY! [They toast]
Wright: Hey, Omar. How’s that long-distance relationship going?
Hunter: Great! It’s really working, and neither of us are cheating on each other!
ALL: HUZZAH!!! [they toast.]
Haden: And how, after being the 94th worst pass defense in school history, we brought back most of the same guys but lost our safety, and still got better? That’s…
Rickerson: …improbable?
Haden: I was going to say awesome! Hey, is that Sasquatch?
Sasquatch: What up. I had money on Auburn. Fuck all y’all in your hairless faces.
ALL: HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Wright: Gotta love that hairy motherfucker!
[They toast. A cartoon bluebird lands on Hunter's shoulder.]
Hunter: …what’s that..oh, that’s…
Wright: Whats the bird saying, dog?
Hunter: I’m…I’m too bashful to say.
Bird: I was merely complimenting him on solving Florida’s gaping holes at d-tackle almost singlehandedly. It’s not bragging if it’s true!
Hunter: Well, I didn’t do it alone…
Haden: DUCK! RONNIE’S IN THE HOUSE!!!
[Gunfire rips apart the club, with the bullets miraculously missing every person and embedding in only easily replaceable parts of the building.]
Ronnie Wilson, machine gun: Damn right you didn’t do it alone, you BEAUTIFUL BATCH OF BASTARDS!!! [fires gun into the air.]
ALL: SITCOM LAUGH! [fade to credits.]
It could happen! We swear! Sasquatch told us! Who knows? Maybe we could dare to hit..oh…75th in pass defense? This is how dreams begin, people!
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1
hobeg8r says:
From your lips to God’s ears….minus the swearing and the underage drinking and the strip club and the strippers and the gun fire. On second thought, never mind. Just hoping there is an improvement. It can only get better, right? Right? [Me - knocking on wood].
August 27th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
2
Crabapple Buck says:
Then they saw Myles Brand coming out of the restroom. Since he didn’t want the bad publicity, he just bought a round for their silence.
August 27th, 2008 at 1:59 pm
3
Raleigh Urbain says:
Gotta love that artsy picture of the Spring Street Ballet.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
4
hlh says:
There is NO sex in the champagne room!
Unless it’s the Gold Club in the 90’s.
So, Will Hill gets hurt?
August 27th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
5
JTG says:
I can’t tell if this counts as weauxfing or was so satirical that it counts as anti-weauxfing, but it was damn funny regardless.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
6
Dream on, O. says:
……and leaving the bar they give Orson a lottery ticket that wins the mega-jackpot but he doesn’t retire because he gets the call from the WWL and the big bucks and then they send him on the road to great college towns to hobnob with all the famous coaches and they give him a hotel key and plenty of copies in case he runs into some busty women who want to be close to his groin area but then he meets Erin Andrews and BAM!, becomes the blissful stud he aways dreamed of.
(sorry TCOAN)
August 27th, 2008 at 2:13 pm
7
Sullivan013 says:
Just wondering,…was it the talking Sasquatch or that Florida finally beat Auburn that clued you in that this was only a dream?
Cue Elvis for Florida’s 2008 season:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YikMhfKmBrY
August 27th, 2008 at 2:17 pm
8
beerbaron says:
Auburn in the championship game was the funniest part.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:19 pm
9
Dr. Saturday says:
Dude.
Your pass defense is going to be better. Don’t sweat it.
August 27th, 2008 at 2:58 pm
10
One And Done says:
That’s what I got out of the story, #8
August 27th, 2008 at 3:19 pm
11
One And Done says:
The key to getting Florida’s DBs better is finding some consistent quality along that D-line of theirs.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:20 pm
12
Yeah Right says:
Yeah…that’ll happen. UF fans…the worst in the biz. Go Texas!
August 27th, 2008 at 3:35 pm
13
Bellefay1 says:
I’d figure Florida’s defense to be more of a “Girls-R-Fun” off Northside type.
August 27th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
14
Brian O'Blivion says:
Carlos Dunlap on the defensive line will make that secondary better. Count on it.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:02 pm
15
SC_Gator says:
Wait, you mean we aren’t suppose to take this as a serious prediction? I mean, it all sounded so damn good to me…
August 27th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
16
Chuck says:
Good form, Orson. You skewer none as well as your own.
August 27th, 2008 at 4:26 pm
17
Orson Swindle says:
@12. My, what a constructive comment! I’m sure we’ll see you around for posts and posts to come!
August 27th, 2008 at 4:57 pm
18
mlvikes13 says:
the cheetah is overpriced for the talent. Any ATL native should tell you that Pink Pony north or Oasis are better deals
August 27th, 2008 at 5:12 pm
19
Poseur says:
@12:
Maybe, just maybe, this post was a joke. But once again, thanks for proving that Texas fans still lead the nation in taking crap too seriously. Woooo!!! Hook em!
And Auburn in the title game isn’t a dream, it’s a friggin’ nightmare. I’m hoping Florida’s magically awesome pass defense will be unable to shutdown LSU’s All-SEC quarterback in the title game. While we’re speculating about things Sasquatch told us.
August 27th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
20
hlh says:
Marlin: Just as the mama bird pushes her chicks out of the nest when they are ready, you too can be ready with Mutual of Oma…..
Jim: Did you just see that big tabby? Whoaaa.
Tabby: nyumnyumnyumnyum licklicklicklick….
Jim: Three got away, thank goodness, but the one with the deformed wing and lack of constructive commentary….OMG, OOOOMMMMMGGGGG.
Marlin: Jim, nature has its own way, with its own checks and balances. This is how perfection is achieved. Those not deemed worthy….. well…cat box remnants. It happens, it’s Ok.
Tabby: *burp* /nap time
August 27th, 2008 at 5:46 pm
21
CalSFGator says:
I know its an allegory for the defense, but how do you go to a strip club and leave Chris Rainey behind? Are there no white girls at the cheetah?
O., just keep repeating to yourself…Taylor Mays. Can the Thrill be the next?
August 27th, 2008 at 6:59 pm
22
Seer says:
And to think with that defense that there are all predictions left and right that Florida could win the SEC. It’s extremely confusing to someone who watched the capital one bowl.
August 27th, 2008 at 7:27 pm
23
nixforsix says:
Scientists have proven that the Sasquatch, he is real.
Take a look at the plaster cast of his foot, now you know he’s real.
Listen real close to the audio tape, not human no you know he’s real.
Couldn’t be a man in gorilla suit, no fuckin’ way.
No, you know he’s real.
Real, real, real real, real, real, really real, real.
August 27th, 2008 at 10:13 pm
24
Because They Can says:
Of course that would be the 6′2″ Omar Hunter.
August 28th, 2008 at 6:40 am
25
AlanInDC says:
I live for the day when sasquatch tells a group of my friends, “Fuck y’all in your hairless faces”.
Priceless O/S.
August 28th, 2008 at 8:17 am
26
This Guy says:
This could never happen. Cold Stone Sasquatch, maybe, but Jack Links Sasquatch is born again.
August 28th, 2008 at 12:18 pm
27
asim says:
@13:
Last time I went down Northside Dr awhile back the “YES” sign was turned off and it looked close.
:\
August 28th, 2008 at 4:17 pm
28
Clementine says:
Was that Greg Mattison stripping for Hunter….
August 28th, 2008 at 4:58 pm