COUNTDOWN: 1
Triumph or defeat is in the hands of the Gods. So let us celebrate the struggle!
August 27, 2008
FLORIDA’S DEFENSE: THE UTOPIAN VERSION
December 7th, 2008. 3:40 a.m. at The Cheetah Club, Atlanta.
[Omar Hunter, Florida freshman tackle, walks into the club. He has just finished an SEC title game with seven tackles, two sacks, and two passes batted at the line of scrimmage. His back feels springy, lithe, and free of any injury. He sits at a table with fellow Florida defenders Major Wright, Jacques Rickerson, and Joe Haden.]
Hunter: They didn’t even check my ID, man. Isn’t this place supposed to be closed now?
Rickerson: You don’t need an ID at the Cheetah, baby. All you need is an SEC Championship. And you have one of those. UNDEFEATED!!!!
Wright et al: YEAAAAH!!! [They raise drinks.]
Hunter: Where’d you get that champagne, Maj?
Major: They’re just giving it to us. They don’t even want us to pay! The strippers really like us, too! I know they always say that, but this time they really mean it!
Strippers, in chorus: WE DO! WE REALLY, REALLY LIKE YOU!
Haden: Man, it’s amazing how we suddenly took the step into being real, live All-SEC corners in just our second years as starters! (more…)
MICHIGAN’S OFFENSIVE LINE IS “POTENTIAL-HEAVY”
READ: inexperienced. 15 combined starts between the starting five, with 13 of those coming from starting right tackle Steve Schilling. There is malice in these numbers, MSM laziness to be sure, some form of fatheaded fatuousness purported upon what is actually a potentially excellent line with far more evidence than the numbers would suggest, correct? Brian?
Perhaps the saddest indicator of the potential looming tragedy that is the Michigan offensive line is this: last year this depth chart went three deep. There’s no one but freshmen unlisted this year and, uh… four freshmen in the actual two-deep as hypothesized above.
The line took a hit it could not afford to sustain when certain starter and once upon a time touted recruit Cory Zirbel went down with a knee injury, forcing either David Molk or hastily converted defensive lineman John Ferrara into the starting lineup. Michigan is now one injury away from serious issues indeed.
You could have just said “Florida’s secondary=Michigan’s o-line” and that would have sufficed, as well. But there’s articles about how much better they’ve gotten and stickers and progress reports with gold stars and only the most polite notes about that 74 yard TD they allowed in practice because the man ran forward, then backwards. That was tricky!
Michigan’s getting giving damn you Big Lots brain–ed. 3.5 at home against Utah, which in a former version of reality would have seemed barking Corso dumb, but here we are in 2008.
Barwis will firm this third-stringer up in no time.
FULMER CUP: CORONATION CEREMONY
The Fulmer Cup competition for 2008 ends tonight at midnight, and barring any West Virginia triple murders, Missouri drug busts, or the FBI unearthing a sleeper cell at Michigan, (Buckeye fan: “I knew it!”) this cat is skinned, and its coat is crimson and white. Um, actually, so is the cat, now that we’ve gotten the hide off and everything. What the hell are we supposed to do with this thing? It is pissed.
Congratulations are due to your winner, with a total of 28 points. Some people would say congratulations to someone who just won such a prestigious award. For such an occasion as this, we won’t just crack out the standard Asti Spumante—no, only the Andre Cold Duck Pink will do, and only if we have buckets and buckets of it.
Pop the cork, take a bow, and let the celebrations begin: a champion arriveth. Congratulations to Alabama on their 72nd national title, which Nick Saban appropriately does not have time to accept in person. Roll, Tide, Roll.
Jimmy Johns must be noted for his outstanding work in making this happen, selling cocaine an incomprehensible number of times to undercover cops in Tuscaloosa, but he wasn’t alone. Jeremy Elder, while not particularly good at robbery, was certainly enthusiastic enough to rack up points for two counts of first-degree robbery.
Johns and Elder alone would have won the Copa del Malfeasance, but teammate A.J. Walker kicked in by walking around drunk on the strip. But we’ve done that, you say! Of course you have, and if you are currently on the roster of the Crimson Tide, we invite you to submit your points to be tallied with the rest.
(Note: SAS Wiki includes Rashad Johnson’s dismissed charges for disorderly conduct on their total. This is an error, but the point total is not: 20 for Johns, a conservative seven for Elder, and one for poor A.J.’s solo Jagermeister Tango down the strip.)
This leaves the Ellis T. Jones Award for Outstanding individual Achievement In A Single Crime, which this year must also be awarded to Johns, who racked up twenty points for having the persistence to sell cocaine to undercover officers not once, but FIVE times. That kind of stick-to-it-iveness gets you championships. And lengthy jail sentences.
Our petitions for an award ceremony rebuffed, we had to rely on hidden camera footage take of Nick Saban at home to get any reaction from the most powerful coach in sport. From appearances, the Fulmer Cup is just one more piece of motivation to put on your wall.
(more…)
CURIOUS INDEX, 8/27/08
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THE TIME HAS COME. THE TIME HAS COME. THE TIME HAS COME TODAY. Bells. Thirst of a nature only described in sports beverage commercials. Powerthirst could have saved South Carolina tailback Mike Davis, who would not have had to break into a refrigerator for a beverage if he’d only had access to a quart of Rawberry. On Sunday, Davis broke into a locked refrigerator in the team’s weight room that contained sports drinks, sources said. Davis bent the door’s frame to get a drink, they said. The players were summoned and the guilty party was asked to come forward by strength coach Mark Smith. Smith told everyone there was a surveillance tape of the area. But no one confessed. The football staff learned later, through that video footage, that it was Davis. Davis will miss the first game due to his refrigerator repair, evening up things for NC State, who lost their starting tailback Jamelle Eugene to an ankle injury. We’re sure that if Brown had been drinking Shockolate, this wouldn’t have happened, either. 305 is an area code and the number of people in the training room after the game. Miami has not had the Florida ACLfest ‘08, but they have a slew of players listed as injured who will miss the opener against Charleston Southern, including DEs Eric Moncur and Allen Bailey. Hiring close personal friend of Kimbo Slice, Bas Rutten, as trainer for the Hurricanes may have made them tougher, but putting all these people on the injured list due to split livers is getting old. There’s nothing fark can’t do. Rick Neuheisel, now pointing for entirely different reasons. Look at the West Coasters bite and nibble at each other! When we post pictures of Alabama fans actually eating freshly fricasseed Auburn fans before the Iron Bowl and the UN gets involved, we’ll reclarify the meaning of animosity. (Suggested condiment with Auburn fan: spicy ranch dressing, a la Outback’s Blooming Onion dipping sauce.) Vic Koenning is really, really sorry about that. Clemson’s defensive coordinator is really sorry about accusing Alabama recruits of all driving Escalades. Koenning said he has never had a problem with Alabama’s recruiting practices and doesn’t know what vehicles, if any, Jones or Scott drive. The situation is “100 percent a distraction,” Koenning said. “It was my misjudgement in saying something in a joking manner that got taken and run with,” he said. …did he say “never had a problem with” their practices? Does that mean there ARE problems with them? Can we stay offended? PLEASE SAY WE CAN STAY OUTRAGED WOOOOO ROOOOOOOOOLL TAAAAAAAHHHHHHDE!!! (Someone pull me off the ceiling, please. The minutes are bleeding by like a slow IV drip of suck.) |
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