Teams: there are a lot of ‘em. In our ongoing attempt to bring you the most outstanding mediocre coverage of college football as we know it, we bring on visiting lecturer LSUJoshua, who will lecture today on Dr. Miles’ School for the Garishly Attired and Athletically Gifted. Enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of colour.

LSU is crystal clear, as in our two BCS trophies and how it’s obvious by now that Les Miles knows more than you about coaching football. Make excuses or downplay all you want. Simple fact of the matter is that LSU among the tippy top of cfb elite and isn’t going anywhere anytime soon, thanks largely to Miles’ ability to out recruit and out coach the rocket scientist you pay a South America defense budget for.


I challenge any man in this room to meet me in Kitchen Stadium. On the menu: your ass.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Cimmeria. Between the time when the oceans drank Atlantis and the rise of the sons of Aireus. It’s a great time to be a barbarian citizen of this Hyborean Age empire right now as the Tigers are enjoying their greatest stretch of success to date. A year like this used to be spent on the sidelines as we waited for new guys to mature for the next run. Now, extreme levels of talent and some of the best conditioning and coaching around have LSU always competitive, if not dominant. Upstart neighbors are brutally subjugated (Miss. St., Bama, Ole Miss) and we get the best of the serious competition, sometimes decidedly so.

Yeah, occasionally some wandering barbarian rhino out there might take time out of circumcisions to try and take a cut at us or some village idiot from the plains might to give us trouble, especially around the knees. But we know we have it good and we are enjoying it. It may crumble at some point, but we’ll be dead drunk or dead from being drunk or just drunk or dead from high cholesterol. Whatever the case, we’ll win plenty, drink a lot, eat a great deal and try to have fun, and almost definitely to our detriment:

A further close-up of what to our detriment usually means:

That dude turned up on a LSU message board. He got A LOT of stitches. Imagine that.

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Charles Alexander is returns from injury at DT. He will be an unholy terror. No one will notice him because of Ricky Jean Francois (say it with me, /zshaun’ frahn swoi/) in his Oscar winning performance as Galactus, eater of worlds running backs, extra points and quarterbacks. I would like to use Orson’s moniker for him, the Haitian Sensation, but his LSU profile says his nickname is the Freak. I ain’t gonna argue. Also, do not be surprised by our new freshman corner, Patrick Peterson. You’re gonna know running backs Charles Murphy and Richard Scott. They’re pretty good, but they’ll look great behind a talented veteran offensive line that should clear the way.

With the departure of Perrilloux to fight terruh, we will feature a white, sorta slowish, inexperienced and hopefully as error free as possible qb.

And when I say inexperienced, think of yourself trying to undo that bra for the first time. It looks simple, you’ve seen it done, you know you can man up on it, but until you accomplish it, it can be startlingly elusive. This could be unsettling, until true freshman Jordan Jefferson takes over. He was a steal in recruiting (injured senior year, most schools laid off of him) and as long as he stays healthy, he could shine.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

The rematch with Florida in Atlanta for the SEC crown. And Auburn, that game almost always decides the SEC West and slakes your thirst for a bit of the ole ultraviolence. Have some milk with that.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

Every game, but just the parts where your team interacts with our defensive line. We took Dr. Mindbender’s Serpentor approach and grabbed Glenn Dorsey’s DNA, combined that with a trapdoor spider’s, some of Mike the Tiger’s and whatever genetic material is extractable from Wild Turkey 101 in a medieval candlelit lab (candle tallow rendered from the flesh of hapless Mississippi State quarterbacks) and combined with the rage virus from 28 Days Later.

We put all that in a centrifuge or maybe we just wrapped it in bacon, then deep fried it, whatever. Then we cloned it and the result? The dline 2 deep: Charles Alexander, Marlon Favorite, Al Woods, Ricky Jean-Francois, Tyson Jackson, Drake Nevis, Rahim Alem, Kirston Pittman. You’d be happy to have any one of those guys start for your school. And they would. It’s not up for debate.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

The buckle itself, aka a quarterback with more than a quarter of experience and two pass attempts. But not so much really. LSU has won two SEC and MNC titles with quarterbacks who took care of the ball and not much else. So maybe we’ll just wander around without a buckle to that belt, like your fat uncle who’s always just sitting around with his pants unbuckled with the top button undone. Give him a break, he’s full and he is dominating that couch like you wish you could.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

Werewolves of London

I saw a werewolf with a Chinese menu in his hand
Walking through the streets of Soho in the rain
He was looking for the place called Lee Ho Fook’s
Going to get a big dish of beef chow mein
Werewolves of London

If you hear him howling around your kitchen door
Better not let him in
Little old lady got mutilated late last night
Werewolves of London again
Werewolves of London

He’s the hairy handed gent who ran amuck in Kent
Lately he’s been overheard in Mayfair
Better stay away from him
He’ll rip your lungs out, Jim
I’d like to meet his tailor
Werewolves of London

Well, I saw Lon Chaney walking with the Queen
Doing the werewolves of London
I saw Lon Chaney, Jr. walking with the Queen
Doing the werewolves of London
I saw a werewolf drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic’s
His hair was perfect
Werewolves of London again
Draw blood

Yeah, that’s Warren Zevon, but Buffet covered it and that makes it a Jimmy Buffet song, albeit on technicality. Ha HA! I defeated this diabolical trap! Anyway, it is quite apt for the LSU Fightin’ Tigers, for they will rip your lung out, maul old ladies and drink pina coladas.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

The handicappers will give the kneecappers the edge, but LSU will triumph in Auburn. The Tigers will then go 5-3 to win the West and battle for the SEC crown in Atlanta. Urban Meyer will bow his head in defeat to the Hat. It’ll be a. Great. Day.

LSUJoshua, fine work. The Library of Congress recommends that if you are truly interested in learning more about LSU Football, you just go to a game at Tiger Stadium and get mindfucked by the unreality of a big night game there proper-like. Books have nothing to do with this shit. You may read more about LSU Football at LSUTigerBait.com, and should.