THE KID RIDES AGAIN: WEEKENDS TO RUIN YOUR LIFE

The Kid from House Rock Built returns with the five weekends from the upcoming schedule that will destroy your life as you know it. Now featuring only one gratuitous Gladiator reference!

Well, considering Swindle is going out and publishing his own brand of fucking odds these days, and well if its any one but AJ, youre stealing my bit! Doesnt matter, cant keep setting book week in and week out, the last time we did that at our previous job, the Trev had his fibula broken in a number of ways. They kind of did a Sid Vicious number on him, but that is neither here nor there. So we'll get back into standard listing mode, but we have to think that this is more of a public service announcement than anthing else. You know.....we don't really feel right announcing that all on our own....GET US A FUCKING MUPPET!

This is a Muppet News Flash! The following 5 weekends will ruin both your liver and your relationship with your spouse or life mate!

Week 1

The long wait is over. Sure, there's not an EPIC SLATE of football madness to slake your thirst, but there is certainly enough insanity to go around for one Labor Day weekend.

We will probably be kicking off the season properly with some Harbaugh vs. Beavers action out west. This is all really in preparation for the disemboweling of [Fighting Redacted] at the hands of Missouri on Saturday alongside College Football Regional Semi Final #1, Alabama v Clemson. Hawaii-Florida and Texas v The Schnellenberger round out an eventful weekend. Get liquored up on us and enjoy Labor Day weekend. Grilled sausages will be distributed according to need.

Bratwursts or death!

Week 3

This is the one were people's lives get knocked the fuck out. Southern Cal and Ohio State goes without saying. ESPN already has the write-up proclaiming that the loser (cough, Ohio State, cough) can over come their high quality loss. This is somewhat akin to kicking someone in the jimmy to the point of rupture and then calling them just as virile. No chance either team bounces back right. Its the Rose Bowl in September, winner has a (virtually) clear road to the title game, barring any conference shenanigans, while the loser resigns themselves to having to look at themselves in the mirror. Oh, there just happens to be a few other games on the schedule that have some importance, but all pale in comparison to this. Michigan at Notre Dame and Arkansas at Texas are alright, but everyone else ceases to exist at 9pm EDT.

You. Entertained. Question oft-asked by gladiators deemed moot by trance-like state in front of television.

Week 4

Bitchslapping boomerang, we come right back into this suck with Week 4. While the previous week is like taking a belt of the Jager bottle, this weekend looks at you square in the eye like a bottle of the devil's private tequila stock and says "Bring it, you gluttonous cocksucker." Florida at Tennessee, LSU at Auburn, Alabama at Arkansas, and Georgia at Arizona State is your nightcap. Get through it all in one piece, we fucking dare you. Football armageddon of the second order as at least half of the SEC is eliminated from title contention in a scant 12 hours. The Arizona State and/or Georgia hype ends roughly at midnight mountain time that Saturday night.

"I see what you did there."

Week 7

The obligatory shout out to any weekend that counter programs against Oklahoma-Texas, but goddamn this is some serious reasons to buy a satellite dish. LSU-Florida, Arizona State-USC, and Penn State-Wisconsin are all conference wreckers, and a quality docket fills the rest of the late afternoon and evening. The Big XII comes through with Nebraska at PIRATES, Colorado at FAT MAN, and T Boone Pickens throwing hot gobs of sweaty money at Missouri. The PAC-10 also gives us a nice dose of UCLA - Oregon, our personal pick for game Weasel has no idea being in, but will steal anyway.

So happy to watch you lose all touch with family and friends not obsessed with football.

Week 13

If your family, marriage, or friendships are still intact by this week, kudos to you good sir. Hopefully, you have taken the time to build yourself a nuclear holocaust grade bomb shelter for what is likely the last salvo in the football endgame. The fine people of the BCS conferences have aimed the remaining schedule Minutemen at this weekend, preparing to turn any remaining sober or sane fans into a pillar of salt or who knows what spice. Obviously, Michigan and Ohio State have there little what-have-you this day, but there are definitely more carnage to be had. The T-Tech pirate ship sets sail to Oklahoma, West Virginia plays its annual trap game with Louisville, and we're pretty sure some combination of Michigan State, Boston College, Virginia, Cincinnati, and Ole Miss play some form of a decent spoiler. Call it blind faith. *thumbpoint*

You know what I like about Enrickey?...HE'S FAST.