Nate Longshore will be the starter unless Kevin Riley is and he is so there. Nate Longshore was the evident leader going into last week, but something in the past week must have convinced the Tedfordbot that Kevin Riley, the less Tedfordbottish of the two quarterbacks competing for Cal’s starting spot, was the automaton for the job. Listen to him say it yourself.

Riley led Cal’s comeback against Air Force in the Armed Forces bowl, and has the edge on Longshore in terms of “spontaneous, occasionally risky behavior as a quarterback,” as well as better speed. (Tedford even called options for Riley at the goalline last year, which forced up to drop a perfectly good vodka tonic on the ground in shock.)

Cromptonites, rejoice. Jonathan Crompton performed splendidly at Tennessee’s scrimmage, pleasing the radical wing of the Tennessee fanbase known as Cromptonites, who rejoiced by firing their blunderbusses in the air and dining on smoked bear meat that evening. Crompton threw two TDs, Montario Hardesty had 79 yards on four carries, and the “really complex” Clawfense appeared to be clicking well against the defense. An offense doing well against the Tennessee defense is shocking, shocking news indeed.

Baton Rouge Standards Met. Well, yes. Of course someone has this in Louisiana.

G.I. Joe Terminology is in effect. Georgia Tech may have “malfunctioned” during their scrimmage, but at least they’re all enjoying their new G.I. Joe code names, especially linebacker Brad Jefferson.

Fellow sophomore Morgan Burnett, a starting safety, said Jefferson was flawless. “Gladiator takes it and calls out the defense,” Burnett said. “We just play what Gladiator says. He’s a very intelligent guy, so he always knows his stuff.”

Matt Josh “Roadblock” Nesbitt has recovered from a shoulder nick he suffered earlier in fall practice, Paul “Destro” Johnson wishes they were further along, and defensive coordinator Dave “Zartan” Wommack says they’ll get some of the glitches with defensive signals ironed out before the opener.

Should you need a profanity, and you reach for said profanity from your mental cookie jar of fucks, shits, and asses, and you find your cookie jar sadly and completely empty…blame Jon Tenuta. He used them all.

Now get off his pads and get your head out of your ass. HIT!