VISITING LECTURER: CORN NATION ON NEBRASKA
by Orson on Aug 21, 2008 3:33 PM EDT
43 comments
Teams: there a lot of 'em. In order to continue to bring you the finest mediocre college football coverage around, we have Corn Nation here to review Nebraska in year one, A.D. (After DistantoddballlonerCallahan. Not an awkward phrase at all, no.) Enjoy.
One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
If we don't return to being a physical team on both sides of the ball, we could continue to be the passive pink that goes with all the 'Hello Kitty' stuff that my daughter has. Our we could be back to a semblance of our true selves - Scarlet - the true color of blood. Or we could be Black, as the Husker defense finds themselves and begins to resurrect their 'Blackshirt' tradition.
Who knows what to expect from the 2008 Nebraska Cornhuskers? Was the team as lost on the field as they looked due to Bill Callahan's insecurities? Or did the players give up because they were lacking in heart and talent? No one knows, but how you feel about the subject right now is related to how bad you believe Bill Callahan was as a head college coach. Only you can answer that question, preferably in the comments section.
My cock is THIS much longer than Callahan's, boys. Measure it.
Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?
Biblical, Numbers 13, 14. Moses and the Israelites are about to enter the Promised Land - land promised to them by God.
They send twelve spies into the region to scout their enemy and ten of the spies come back and report that they cannot defeat the people there because they're very powerful and well-fortified. Only Caleb and Joshua say that they must trust God and enter the Promised Land and defeat their enemy. God forces them Israelites to wander for 40 years in the desert. The result is that one generation passes and (with the exception of Joshua and Caleb) never sees the land promised to them by God. Keep in mind that all this takes place after God delivered ten plagues on Egypt and parts the Red Sea, ala Charlton Heston in the Ten Commandments.
I said, that way! No, that way!
And so we are Nebraska. We allowed our vanity to turn us against our own traditions, our heritage. We didn't sin against God, but against ourselves. The question that remains is as to how long we must wait before we see the promised land. How long must we suffer? Hopefully not a generation. College football would like us to be good. Otherwise, you people will have to deal with Missouri or worse yet, Colorado. Trust me, you won't like it if you do.
Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.
Marlon Lucky, I-Back. is the most complete back in the nation. He's the Big 12's only returning 1,000 yard rusher and in 2007 was the top receiving back in the nation with 75 receptions and 705 yards. Lucky will share time two other backs, Roy Helu and Quentin Castille, so while his overall numbers may not improve, his production is key to Nebraska having a good 2008 campaign.
Cue "Bittersweet Symphony" and its natural counterpart, "I Got 5 On It."
Armando Murillo, Cornerback. Murillo was one of only two defensive players who started 12 games last season, and the only returning cornerback with experience. He'll be counted on to cover the Big 12's best receivers and he has the quicks and size to do it. He'll get the call a lot this season because his name just rolls off the tongue. Go ahead, try it. Try it three times fast, even.
Matt Slauson, Guard. At most schools fans talk only about the skill positions. At Nebraska, offensive lineman are given equal treatment. Senior Matt Slauson will be our starting right guard. We won't be going back to the triple option, but we will establish a strong running game, and Slauson will be a key to making that happen. He will provide senior leadership on a line that must return to physical dominance.
Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.
Missouri. Missouri last won in Lincoln in 1978 (I was at that game). It will be the first Big 12 conference game of the season for both teams. Mizzou delivered a 41-6 ass-kicking on national television last season that featured a Mizzou touchdown being scored on a fake field goal in the fourth quarter. The Huskers will not have forgotten that. Even though the Tigers have been picked to win the Big 12 North by everyone in the nation, they won't waltz in and take it without a fight.
Texas Tech. The Huskers go on the road to face one of the most potent offenses in nation one week after facing Missouri at home. We'll find out if Bo Pelini's defense can handle the explosion that is the Red Raiders. Bill Callahan's first game against Tech was a 70-10 annihilation in Lubbock.
Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game were better off NOT watching.
New Mexico State, San Jose State. Do I really have to say anything more than that?
Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?
Nebraska offensive coordinator Shawn Watson is committed to a strong running game. We have a deep and experienced offensive line, a capable quarterback in Joe Ganz, and a good backfield. What we lack is a playmaker receiver than can stretch the field and make opposing defenses fear the long ball. One will need to emerge from a young and inexperienced group, otherwise we can figure on eight guys in the box and a less productive offense.
On the defensive side, Nebraska graduated four starters at linebacker last season. That left us with one who has any starting experience. The depth chart is so shallow that Cody Glenn is penciled in as a starter. Glenn is a senior and played his previous seasons as a running back.
Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, were seriousdo it.
Quite a discography to pick only one, but it'd have to be 'Changes in latitudes, Changes in attitudes'. The whole idea of drinking all night instead of reviewing the whole year makes sense for 2007. "Seeing departure signs in some big airports reminds me of the places I've been" - a metaphor for the longing for past success of Nebraska football, "Too much to see waiting in front of me, and I know that I just can't go wrong" cites the expectation and hope for the future, but the key line, "If we couldn't laugh we could all go insane." is the heart of the song and as Husker fans encountered horrible defense last season, they also encountered each other and it wasn't pretty. The screaming was loud and clear as the "greatest fans in college football" had to deal with whether booing was good, evil, or the result of too many runzas and beer, not necessarily in that order. Instead of laughing, we went insane. Too bad we don't have more Parrotheads in-state.
I tried to work "Get Drunk and Screw" in here, but.... well... that only works if we beat Missouri to start the Big 12 conference.
Seven: Were master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.
Hmmm.... $10 isn't much to bet, so if it's going to be worth the while, it should have high odds but still be attainable. Here's what I'd bet $10 on - last season Nebraska was 112th in sacks. This year we're going to be in the top 20. To make that big a leap is a long shot. To say that our defense will be improved is to say that we didn't have any further to fall. To say that we'd be in the top 20 in sacks against the quick-bang offenses we'll face in the Big 12 is huge. I'd place that bet. Why not?
BTW, I've heard that Orson understands the phrase "quick bang" better than anyone alive. Is that true?
Totally true. For those interested in learning more about Nebraska football, the Library of Congress suggests you check out Corn Nation, the internet's finest Nebraska weblogsitemunity, or perhaps O.E. Rolvaag's "Giants in the Earth: A Prairie Saga."
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I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Armando Murillo will be all Big XII by the end of the year.
by carlinthemarlin on Aug 21, 2008 3:43 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
The first guest speaker to reference his team as both the chosen people and God himself in the same breath. Wow. Just wow.
by theniz on Aug 21, 2008 4:04 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Looked like Callahan sucked balls as a coach.
by OhioDawg on Aug 21, 2008 4:13 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
“College football would like us to be good”
Nope, I’m good with where you are.
by College football on Aug 21, 2008 4:32 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
win or lose…
with Pelini as a coach you just know someone on the opposing team is going to knocked the fuck out!
last years defense was sweet kind and careful. This years defense will be as cuddly as a spool of barbed wire.
by iggy on Aug 21, 2008 4:38 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
The most complete back in the nation? I think not. If he was, he wouldn’t be sharing time with two others.
by Last Dragon on Aug 21, 2008 4:56 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
“College football would like us to be good.”
Who EXACTLY in college football cares if you are good? Hubris – thy name is Nebraska.
by hobeg8r on Aug 21, 2008 4:58 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
30th time I’m reading that Pellini caption, and still chuckling.
I know, Mr Sophisticated…..
by sandman227 on Aug 21, 2008 5:10 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Ehh… if Nebraska is never a relevant force in college football again I’d not waste a second lamenting it.
Sorry.
by SC_Gator on Aug 21, 2008 5:11 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Here’s another safe $10 bet concerning this year’s Husker squad. Neither Missouri nor Kansas will score as many points against the Big Red as they did last year, and at least one of them will lose in Lincoln.
by twogreattastes on Aug 21, 2008 5:19 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Excuse me? I’m the REAL College Football, and yes, I would like to Nebraska to be good. Time for the posers like Mizzou to go back down into the swamp of suck. Speaking of swamps, Gator fans—two words: Fiesta. Bowl.
by THE College Football on Aug 21, 2008 5:25 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Personally, I’d rather have Nebraska be good than Notre Dame, Aggy, or Texas. Had a great time in Lincoln three years ago*…was pleasantly surprised at the quality and quantity of Cornhusker coeds. Then again, I’m biased toward friendly midwestern girls.
- Scoring the winning TD with :20 left may also have had something to do with it.
by Raider Red on Aug 21, 2008 5:26 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Another “Changes in Lattitude” pick? Man, this is going to be one drunk and fucked up season.
I almost wept at the sadness displayed in the writing comparing Nebraska to the Hebrews. Then I discovered it was laughter.
Good write up overall. Marlon Lucky is the least talked about running back in the country with the skills to make an actual Heisman run.
by Subway Domer on Aug 21, 2008 5:28 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Here’s to Nebraska becoming atleast an above average team again. I completely agree that we do not want to see Missouri or Colorado as perenially good teams…..it just doesn’t even seem like football. (My first live college football game was Nebraska at Texas in 1999. )
Hook ’em!
by Travis on Aug 21, 2008 5:40 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
To the hopelessly deluded sing-around-the-campfire cornhusker and the typically bloviating, obnoxious, mouth-bigger-than-dick longhorn fool who wrote “I completely agree that we do not want to see Missouri or Colorado as perenially good teams ..it just doesnt even seem like football,” I suggest you do just one thing with regard to Mizzou being good and Nebraska not:
Get used to it.
by black&gold on Aug 21, 2008 6:12 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’m all for Nebraska sucking forever. You fire a coach for the awful transgression of winning only 10 games in his final season (including the bowl game, although he was fired before that), you clearly have no idea what true suckitude is. Now, if there is justice in the football universe, you will learn, slowly and painfully.
(Oh, and Missouri scoring on a fake FG late? Let’s look at the history of this rivalry. 1989-1996, the scores in this series were as follows: 50-7, 69-21, 63-6, 34-24, 49-7, 42-7, 57-0, 51-7. That’s one game decided by less than 35 points. Nebraska fans are not allowed to complain about someone running up the score on them after that. Karma’s a bitch, and you just found out firsthand.)
by SpartanDan on Aug 21, 2008 6:36 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Until Tommy Lee returns to Lincoln, I don’t have much use for Nebraska.
by Rock Critic on Aug 21, 2008 7:24 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Our or use of conjunctions and pronouns at Nebraska could continue to decline. Yeah grammar!
by hercules rockefeller on Aug 21, 2008 8:22 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
THIS JUST IN:
Kansas has just scored ANOTHER touchdown.
Can’t wait to put up 70+ on these yambags again this year.
by TF on Aug 21, 2008 9:19 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
College football would like us to be good
I don’t give a damn who does or does not want us to be good…we’ll be back, just like your annoying uncle at Christmas.
I understand the angst coming from Columbia and Lawrence…it’s like the fat girl who finally lost 25 pounds and showed up at the dance only to be ignored. But the only thing that Mangino will get 70 of this year is Cheese Runzas on his way out of town.
by Flatlander on Aug 21, 2008 10:07 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
TF @ 21:
Basketball season will be here soon enough.
by Albino Tornado on Aug 21, 2008 11:23 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Ah the hate…
If Nebraska serves any greater college football purpose other than themselves, it is to show the rest of the free world how to beat the SEC champ by 40. And option football, if they still ran it.
Any yes, college football doesn’t need any paticular team to be successful. I don’t exact remember hearing anyone lament USC’s woes 10 years ago when Fight On lost to K-State at home.
by meatybob on Aug 21, 2008 11:49 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Is it just me or does Pelini look like the escaped con who was baptized in “Oh Brother Where are Thou?”
by Dante on Aug 22, 2008 8:07 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Thor @ 25:
More like Peter Stormare from Fargo, the Big Lebowski, 8MM, and Prison Break.
by Albino Tornado on Aug 22, 2008 9:05 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
@2, It’s only amazing if Bama hasn’t had their turn yet. Then agian, if they have, they probably omitted the reference to our Lord and Saviour to avoid insulting the memory of Bear Bryant.
As far as the comment,
College football would like us to be good
College football didn’t really think you were that good before in the Big 8 days, we thought you had a weak conference schedule and were over rated.
by sevenDs on Aug 22, 2008 9:38 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Maybe it’s Friday ADD, but comparing your team to blah blah blah, land promised to them by god" ??? I think I stopped reading about then as this was the most horrible piece of dribble ever to be put on this site.
This post was about as interesting as the state of Nebraska itself.
by Tricky Dick on Aug 22, 2008 10:08 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
@Tricky Dick
I would like to just say thank you that you took the time out of your incredibly exciting day in the incredibly exciting place where you live to write a comment in a blog post amongst us lowlifes.
I am sure that dealing with smog and high ozone levels, residing in your $5k/month studio, and getting your daughter that abortion she wanted for graduation must be so glamorous and cosmopolitan.
by meatybob on Aug 22, 2008 10:25 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Give Tricky Dick a break. He’s got insecurities, so he dishes crap to everyone else in an attempt to build up his fragile ego. That’s what people like Dick do. They act like jackasses because they feel like one.
by nycsker on Aug 22, 2008 10:44 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Actually, college football NEEDS and WANTS the likes of MIZZOU whooping nebs rear end on a regular basis. The Bugeaters dominated for too long, and like Rome, it’s time for you too pass on into history. Mark my words….MIZZOU will BEAT…and I do mean BEAT…you in cornland. You had your time in the sun. It’s time for a team with TRUE class to shine for awhile. Now, quit your whining, and get used to the thumpings MIZZOU is going to be putting on you in the years to come!
BTW, did you happen to notice that the highest rated regular season game last year was MU-ku? Were any neb games even televised?…oh yeah…the ones where you got destroyed….which makes most of ’em.
MIZZOU-RAHHH!!
by Nate on Aug 22, 2008 10:47 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
MU/KU was highly rated for the same reason that Haley’s Comet is — both teams being worth a damn at the same time generally only occurs once in each person’s lifetime.
Plus, some of Nebraska’s thrashings — such as losing to Moatlahoma State 38-0 AT THE FREAKING HALF and getting into a shootout with BALL FREAKING STATE — were mercifully on payperview.
Missouri fan showing true class? Are you kidding me? Remember, it’s your fans/drunken wannabe alums who run out on to the field for impromptu MMA lessons/corrective dentistry from melanin-deprived defensive backs. Apparently all black-and-gold schools in the Big 12 have to have complete yayhoos for fans. Perhaps you and Colorado can organize ClassyFanLympics with events like the Urine Bag Toss and the 4 × 4 Tire Flattening Relay. It can be a true test of whether Bud Light or Jamacian Gold is the better performance enhancing drug.
I’d tell Mizery fan to act like they’ve been there before… but who am I kidding, they haven’t been.
by Albino Tornado on Aug 22, 2008 11:32 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Ahh the Hate indeed… satire gets lost on some of us readers in August I guess. Blame the heat.
Nice pic of Chuck sporting the Retro home jersey though. I think those are John Dutton’s armbands he’s got on as well.
by Flatlander on Aug 22, 2008 1:07 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Hey losers, i’m not a chicken shit like the rest of you MZ – KU bitches. Just so you know NEBRASKA wont just beat you they will kick your ass. I personaly cant wait to see two fat people (Mangina and Chase) Crying as they leave Memorial Feild THE HUSKERS will dominate, Mangina and Chase will not be able to eat their way out of these games.
Although i think Chase Daniels will win one Award this year. Called the fatest fucken Quarterback to ever play the Game oh and F. U. Callahan and Pederson
by Zach Neville on Aug 22, 2008 1:13 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Really Zach Neville? The fattest quarterback ever? Even fatter than Jared Lorenzen or Bruce Eugene. Really? Do you, like, actually watch football or are you too busy masturbating to pictures of Tom Osborne?
by s dub on Aug 22, 2008 3:00 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Wow…neb fans talking about beer and 4×4′s and classy fans….now that is some funny funny stuff. You are freaking located in the middle of nowhere, in a nowhere town with nothing but corn cobs to enhance your personal time. Next time think through your responses a little better. Last I heard, nebfan are gracious winners, but the absolute sorest losers in the nation….and this does come from firsthand experience. Now, be good little girls, AT and ZN, and bend over and take it like the champs you are. Get used to it because there’s a lot more coming your way.
BTW, remember that you didn’t start winning championships in the 90’s until you started bringing thugs on campus…luckily for MIZZOU, we don’t require thugs to thump you.
by Nate on Aug 22, 2008 4:06 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
<a href=“http://www.sportsargumentwiki.com/index.php?title=Fulmer_Cup”No thugs, Nate?
by Scoreboard on Aug 22, 2008 4:26 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Methinks all this Big12 North trash talk means nothing much until someone can beat OU.
by SoonerFan on Aug 22, 2008 4:28 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Holy Crap People.
NU Fan…the Hebrews? Really? Talking smack after the last two years? Really? Take your humble pill, stop reading Exodus, and start cheering for better defense. See what happens before you blast out all the Jesus and “Restore the Order” bull (Callahan was a savior, too…)
Mizzou fans…You’re the next wave? Really? I’m sorry, but isn’t your coach still Gary Pinkel? Granted, the Snot-Eater’s got some skills…but let’s all just settle down. Win a conference title, then you can start talking dynasty.
KU fans…Last year wasn’t a fluke? Really? Who did you play again? Who is returning on defense again?
Good Lord, Big XII people. Take a cue from Iowa State fans and shut the hell up. Husker fans come off like that buddy who always talks about how great “Cheers” was…and KU and MU fans are the ones trying to tell you that “According to Jim” is a comedy classic.
Reality friends…and alchol. That’s what you all need.
Hopefully Tom Osborne…er…Jesus will come and save me if my CSU Rams and their fans every get this disgusting.
by GeneralZod on Aug 22, 2008 6:12 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Nate, you ignorant slut.
Lincoln, Neb: Population, 250k.
Columbia, Mo: Population, 100k.
2008 Nebraska Fulmer Cup points: 11
2008 Missouri Fulmer Cup points: 22, sufficient to win had not Jimmy Johns branched out from overrated sammitches to pharmacuticals.
Lincoln, Nebraska: State Capitol. It ain’t much, sure.
Columbia, Missouri: Whistle-stop speed bump on I-70, smack between interesting places. The place where you exit to get to the state capitol.
You can call Nebraska fans gracious winners but sore losers; it’s my experience that Missou fans are sore winners and ungracious losers. One would think they’d be better losers, considering the magnificent history of underachievement, choking, and plain bad luck they’ve had.
Oh, and between the “corncobs to enhance personal time” and the “bend over and take it like the champs you are” comments: you’re projecting at about an 8; we need you to dial it back to about a 2. Kthxbye!
by Albino Tornado on Aug 22, 2008 9:15 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I hate to explain stuff, but the reference to God and the Hebrews was intended as a reference of turning your back on what made you successful and then reaping the consequences of those actions.
There was no implication that we’re chosen people, nor that we’re entitled, you read that into the article yourselves. Thanks for playing along, though.
For all y’all Missourians…. the Huskers aren’t going to lie down when you come to Lincoln this season. You have a good team, potentially a great team, but one year doesn’t a dynasty make. Smack all you want, but it’s a helluva lot harder staying at the top than it is getting there.
Pinkel Factor arise!
by corn blight on Aug 23, 2008 12:25 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
@ Meatybob and NYCski
No I was saying it was a boring read. I read this sight everyday and it always makes me laugh no matter who it is about. this made me stop reading. Thanks Meaty for the kind words you have shown that this is what blogs are for, talking shit that you would never say to someone in person. Ah the safety and security of anonimity. Sorry you took offense to the comment I made, hopefully it won’t ruin you weekend.
by Tricky Dick on Aug 24, 2008 11:16 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
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