Nick Saban is the voice on the phone warning you that the FBI will be there in 30 seconds. He’s cutting into the power grid. He’s rerouting phone lines. He’s getting posts deleted from websites. He’s reprogramming THE VERY MINDS OF HIS PLAYERS.

“I am a dominant defensive player. I control the line of scrimmage, making it difficult for the offense to advance the ball. I’m strong and tenacious. I can’t be blocked. My pass rush is ferocious. I’m quick off the ball and blow by my opponent, sacking the QB. I am a bad man!”

We say the same thing to ourselves every morning when we’re buffing our nails and finishing up our muesli. It helps us crank up the Mac and sit down in the Aeron with great ferocity.


Nick Saban force-blasts reporters to the back of the room at a recent presser.

Nick Saban, flat six foot tall monster. Saban also may have objected to his being shorter in an ad campaign using cardboard cutouts of Tuberville, Nutt, and Saban. If there is a Houston Nutt cardboard cutout out there, we want it in our mailbox in pieces in a matter of days, people, in order to send him around the world from reader to reader and have him photographed in colorful poses

T.Boone has to have a word with you. OSU has to hold up on some construction thanks to hits BP Capital, Pickens’ hedge fund, has taken in the market. Once T.Boone scuttles Cliff Barnes’ claim on Gold Canyon 3-4-0, gets control of Barnes-Wentworth, and slaps down a few people who need slappin’ down, they’ll be right back up in no time.

Roy Williams weeps. The horse-collar tackle is no more, thus giving officials one more specious call to make at a crippling juncture in the game against the defense.

New Mexico, your new basketball coach Jim Harrick is just waiting for you. New Mexico gets three years for halpin’ playerz lurn good.