COUNTDOWN: 7
“Endurance is not just the ability to bear a hard thing, but to turn it into glory.”
August 21, 2008
VISITING LECTURER: CORN NATION ON NEBRASKA
Teams: there a lot of ‘em. In order to continue to bring you the finest mediocre college football coverage around, we have Corn Nation here to review Nebraska in year one, A.D. (After DistantoddballlonerCallahan. Not an awkward phrase at all, no.) Enjoy.
One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
If we don’t return to being a physical team on both sides of the ball, we could continue to be the passive pink that goes with all the ‘Hello Kitty’ stuff that my daughter has. Our we could be back to a semblance of our true selves - Scarlet - the true color of blood. Or we could be Black, as the Husker defense finds themselves and begins to resurrect their ‘Blackshirt’ tradition.
Who knows what to expect from the 2008 Nebraska Cornhuskers? Was the team as lost on the field as they looked due to Bill Callahan’s insecurities? Or did the players give up because they were lacking in heart and talent? No one knows, but how you feel about the subject right now is related to how bad you believe Bill Callahan was as a head college coach. Only you can answer that question, preferably in the comments section.
My cock is THIS much longer than Callahan’s, boys. Measure it.
Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?
Biblical, Numbers 13, 14. Moses and the Israelites are about to enter the Promised Land - land promised to them by God. (more…)
RON PRINCE’S IMPRESSIVE NFL SOURCES
Ron Price says Kansas State qb Josh Freeman could be the number one draft pick in the NFL in 2009. Ron Prince says this is based on actual sources.
Kansas State football coach Ron Prince has said that should Josh Freeman lead the Wildcats to a banner-winning season, the junior quarterback could go No. 1 in the 2009 National Football League Draft.
Prince says, “That’s what NFL people tell me.”
By NFL people, he obviously means his good friend Sourdough out in San Francisco.
I’m seeing first round here, Ron. No, my mouth doesn’t move when I talk.
But you know, Sourdough likes ‘em kind of big like Freeman. He’s just bearish that way.
Freeman is 9-11 as a starting quarterback, allegedly came into camp last year weighing 594 pounds, and is probably best remembered for helping Quentin Groves make money. But he’s got the physical stats! Lemme get out mah checkbook OOOOWEEEEE!!! The people who run the NFL are brilliant. The people who pick the players are spotty, and use arbitrary and silly criteria in determining who gets drafted. This is further proof of the latter statement, and the continuing cashkkake that is the NFL is proof of the former one.
IS FSU SCREWED? DO WE WANT THIS?
What do we mean by “public” here, really?A good villain needs to be someone who could kick your ass, which is why it’s been sad seeing Florida State decline into 7-5dom and Music City Bowls. Sad is a carefully chosen word; we did not say regrettable, undeserved, or “not reeking with cosmic karmic justice of a vintage so refined we wouldn’t bottle it for fear of debasing its organic goodness.” No, sad will do very well.
It’s also fun watching them dodge the Sunshine Laws of Florida–requiring transparency at all state institutions, including universities–while refusing to divulge the contents of a letter detailing all of the NCAA violations the school may have racked up in the cheating scandal that broke last year. They’ve been sitting on the NOA (Notice of Allegations) from the NCAA for two months, claiming it contains students’ names, and that releasing it would therefore be a violation of their privacy.
Even Andrew Carter, the Sentinel’s appointed Seminole-in-charge, sees little good here:
That Florida State refuses to release the document in a redacted form – which would eliminate its concern over the release of confidential student records, and render its arguments useless – says only one thing: Florida State has something to hide.
Yes. But at least they aren’t STEALING DEAD LADY CREDIT CARDS, right? Are you with me people? Huh? Florida State’s next line of defense will involve subpoenaing the phone book and Rivals.com for listing students’ names, which is a most extreme violation of their privacy.
FOCUS GROUP: SEX DURING FOOTBALL SEASON
Holly and Orson discuss the ins and outs of sex during football season in an important discussion of a sensitive family health issue that is relevant to everyone. It therefore should be listened to shamefully beneath several layers of covers in bed. Alone, that is. Without touching of the personal variety. God’s watching you. And he is ashamed.
The exact length of the podcast is ten minutes and fifty-four seconds, or just about the length of the average sexual encounter in Thailand. They’re Asian, and therefore efficient.
Basic rules proposed:
–Bank sex points on Friday night in between Thursday night and Saturday.
–Recliner head is acceptable for lower tier in-conference games, but not for big games.
–Halftime is there for a reason. Use it.
Any other rules and suggestions phrased in a classy way are acceptable below. By classy, we mean using the phrase “Boston Strangler” instead of “skirt scallop” for the vagina, and “lap taffy” or some other civilized term for the penis instead of “beef bayonet.” Join the campaign right now, and receive a free in-game abstinence banner after the jump.
CURIOUS INDEX, 8/21/08
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Nick Saban is the voice on the phone warning you that the FBI will be there in 30 seconds. He’s cutting into the power grid. He’s rerouting phone lines. He’s getting posts deleted from websites. He’s reprogramming THE VERY MINDS OF HIS PLAYERS. “I am a dominant defensive player. I control the line of scrimmage, making it difficult for the offense to advance the ball. I’m strong and tenacious. I can’t be blocked. My pass rush is ferocious. I’m quick off the ball and blow by my opponent, sacking the QB. I am a bad man!” We say the same thing to ourselves every morning when we’re buffing our nails and finishing up our muesli. It helps us crank up the Mac and sit down in the Aeron with great ferocity.
Nick Saban, flat six foot tall monster. Saban also may have objected to his being shorter in an ad campaign using cardboard cutouts of Tuberville, Nutt, and Saban. If there is a Houston Nutt cardboard cutout out there, we want it in our mailbox in pieces in a matter of days, people, in order to send him around the world from reader to reader and have him photographed in colorful poses T.Boone has to have a word with you. OSU has to hold up on some construction thanks to hits BP Capital, Pickens’ hedge fund, has taken in the market. Once T.Boone scuttles Cliff Barnes’ claim on Gold Canyon 3-4-0, gets control of Barnes-Wentworth, and slaps down a few people who need slappin’ down, they’ll be right back up in no time. Roy Williams weeps. The horse-collar tackle is no more, thus giving officials one more specious call to make at a crippling juncture in the game against the defense. New Mexico, your new basketball coach Jim Harrick is just waiting for you. New Mexico gets three years for halpin’ playerz lurn good. |
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I WOKE UP WITH THE POWER OUT
A power outage in our fair burg puts us several minutes behind pace today. Curious Index up shortly. Animated hoodlums cutting power lines in a steampunk metropolis below.
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