Teams: there are a lot of them. To help provide you with the most outstandingly mediocre coverage of college football, we have Chas from Pitt Sports Blather and the Fanhouse to tell you all one should need to know about the Wannstache, the destructive ball of yardage known as LeSean McCoy, and Pitt football. Enjoy.

Image from Souf Oaklin’, who feels the power of the Wannstache deeply.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color.

Blue or bluish-purple. As in everyone is turning that color from holding their breath about this season. Is this the season everyone thinks it could be? Will the injuries devastate the team once more? Just how crazy are we to put all this faith in the Wannstache?

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

It depends on whether I’m on my meds or not.

With Zoloft: United States, circa 1983. Ronald Reagan came into office after the malaise of Jimmy Carter. Reagan came in making Americans feel good about themselves and the country. He promised growth and prosperity. He pushed through tax cuts, expanded spending on Defense. But there was no change. It just didn’t seem to be happening. In his first couple years, the country was still in the doldrums. There were problems. Reaganomics, indeed, looked like voodoo economics. Internationally, the Cold War looked worse than ever. While people liked and wanted to like Reagan, his administration seemed clueless.

Then things seemed to change overnight. The economy took off. Unemployment fell. We kicked Grenada’s butt. The old men in charge of the USSR kept dying, and that defense build-up could not be matched by the Soviets helping their decline and collapse. Suddenly it was Morning in America.

Without: The decline stage of the Byzantine Empire , 1180-1204. An old power. It’s old rival -– Western Roman Empire/Western Europe had been the weak sister, but had reasserted itself causing Byzantium problems. With the right leadership Byzantium could have saved itself and prospered. Instead, it was beset on all sides (Christian Crusaders/WVU, Johnny Turk/South Florida, tOSU, PSU, etc) and the weak leaders that followed in succession allowed it to be over run and destroyed (losing and losing top recruits from its own backyard).

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

LeSean McCoy, RB — Picked up close to 1300 yards without an O-line, an experienced (or accurate) QB. That he could continue to run the ball effectively when everybody knew what was coming is still a wonder.

There are better videos of McCoy, but this one is set to “Bombtrack,” so therefore there are no better videos of McCoy running into eight man fronts and winning.–ed.

Scott McKillop, MLB — 151 tackles when no other Pitt player had more than 60. The good news will be if he doesn’t average over 12 tackles/game this year. That means the D-line is more active and not relying on the linebackers to shore up the run defense.

Greg Romeus, DE — The Dave Wannstedt/old school Miami defense ideal. Strong and fast off the corner. Everyone is thinking he takes a big leap in his sophomore year.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

August 30, Bowling Green. The season opener against possibly the best team in the MAC that has 17 returning starters. The kind of game that could be taken too lightly and result in an upset and destroy all hope right off the bat.

November 28, West Virginia. After what happened last year, there just might be some interest in the 101st Backyard Brawl. Plus it’s a noon game on Friday after Thanksgiving, so what else are you going to do? Go shopping?

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

September 27 @ Syracuse. As disappointing as Pitt has been the past few years, there’s a reminder right in the conference that things could always be worse.

Yes, this is true.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

The same thing we’ve lacked every year, Pinky… an O-line.

There are just too many “ifs” on the offensive line to feel confident. If Robb Houser (JUCO) can shore up the center spot. If Jason Pinkston comes back from his injury. If Chris Jacobson is healthy. If Lucas Nix can come in and seize a starting spot on the line. If Joe Thomas can stay healthy. If the back-ups actually develop to provide depth.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

I know, Pencil Thin Mustache is the obvious choice here when the team is coached by the Wannstache. Plus there’s the addition of a power-mustache from new DC Phil Bennett (late of the SMU HC), and two other mustaches on the defensive side. Still, only Linebacker Coach Joe Tumpkin has the “Pencil Thin” version. Instead, I’m going with Beyond the End.

Mayan moon was burning
We saw visions
Of the past returning
On the shore
The band was playing
We all heard
What the moon was saying

Wannstedt was hired and spoke from day 1 about winning big at Pitt. About bringing this team back to the dominance of the late-70s and early-80s. Heading into this season, buoyed by the solid recruiting the past few years and with that one single win over WVU in December — it seems as if it is all getting close. Of course, it could all be a hallucination fueled by way too much Yuengling (look, I know I’m supposed to type Iron City there, but the stuff sucks).

Seconds away from crushing your windpipe for saying that, Chas.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

Whatever Vegas installs as the over/under on the number of times the Wannstedt says, “It is what it is,” or some variation — take the over.

Thanks, Chas. For further reading on Pitt football, the Library of Congress recommends Pitt Sports Blather or The Temple of the Golden Pavillion by Yukio Mishima.