The dream lives ooooooooon!!! YES YES YES YES YES YES:

Foundations laid, history’s made, and we’re all drinking Schnellenburgerade! Try to avoid guffawing when they mention losing to Oklahoma State, and just show a black screen for an awkward half-second.

Iowa State has had so many kegs of beer dent the pavement in Ames’ Campustown that the city has decided that the jacked-up pavement will be replaced with a rubber sidewalk. Iowa State, you live to win, and for that we salute you with ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS. (HT: ‘Fesser.

Oh, Mike Gundy. You truly are the bottomless vodka bottle that never fails to dizzy the equilibrium and cloud the judgment. He’s right, though: the Big Ten quarterbacks’ roster is a lackluster one. When you seriously give thought to ranking C.J. Bacher as the second best qb in conference, you are working with the tails and snouts of college signal calling. (Counter! To be fair, snouts and tails can be “a religious epiphany.”)

JUCO transfer Kevin Craft will start at qb UCLA, and is currently being carried aloft in a sedan chair hermetically encased in a plastic bubble to prevent injury. He is taking online courses to prevent infections from paper cuts.

Averaging 9 and a half yards every time you touch the ball, doing your homework, and working out like a fiend while earning a reputation as one of the best players in college football. BUT WHERE IS HIS SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP EAGLE SPIRITNESS!!! As bad a mood as we’re in today, we would usually call this an odious piece of monkey shit served on a bed of idiotballs. But we’re actually pulling for Galactus to devour the Earth today, so black is our mood…so, yeah, it’s total monkeyshit on idiotball arugula served with a “What the fuck do you want, journoboy? Bullshit pep squad moves?” Get Percy some pom-poms! Stat!