“To suspect your own mortality is to know the beginning of terror, to learn irrefutably that you are mortal is to know the end of terror.”
PS. Yes, there’s EDSBS Live tonight, featuring our guest Ed Orgeron. Correction: we have no guest. Come listen anyway.
This picture is unrelated, because we cannot use the extremely copyrighted name “H—— Trophy.” Carry on.
The odds for the H——- Copyrighted Trophy Not To Be Trifled With are intriguing as always, if only because they attempt to quantify something that is both unscientific and entirely unpredictable: how a bunch of athletes and half-aware sportswriters, under the glare of a media blitz and without a full data set of observed performances or clear criteria, will attempt to choose the best player in college football.
It is speculative garbage in both its ingredients and in the final product, meaning odds based on the likely winner of this process are less than garbage, or some kind of subgarbage garbage talks about in hushed tones at cocktail parties. Even if the process for picking the Trophy Not To Be Trifled with were clearer, the idea of an individual award in a team sport is essentially repugnant to us to begin with, and thus our odds of really caring remain in the neighborhood of us writing this with a caffeine-free bloodstream. (Zero.)
Nevertheless, in the absence of actual football, subgarbage is what we’ve got. The most interesting odds:
Knowshon Moreno, 8/1; Chase Daniel, 6/1. Eh? Knowshon will get the full glare of multiple CBS and ESPN appearances. Daniel will get the occasional Musbergame and Fox Big 12 game. The media whore needle should move Moreno’s number a bit closer to Daniel’s, though the Missouri qb’s Eminem-esque storyline should help him with the media swing.
Sam Bradford, Oklahoma: 14/1. Not bad odds especially now that the sophomore kibosh is off (Viva Tebow!). Also has both knees, thus differentiating him from Jason White and the lingering regret of voters who went that way.
Michael Crabtree and Pat White: both at 10/1. With the promo push White has–and his relative proximity to national media centers and television exposure–having him even with Crabtree is cracktacular.
Dan Lefevour: 70/1 Ironic in that this may both accurately reflect his chances of winning, and may also be his TD/INT numbers in MAC games this year.
Jimmy Clausen, Notre Dame: 80/1 Odds only valid with purchase of red satin Jimmy Clausen drinking jacket.
Full updated odds from Bodog after the jump.
Of course you need your own sawed-off pair of Texas Longhorns, Aggie fan. In response, Texas fans will soon fuel the growth of a market in collie head trophies, which the Chinese will be happy to supply. On second thought, disregard that first message. Neither fanbase has enough shame not to actually do this, which is one of many reasons why we both fear you, and love you. (HT: Dave.)
Indiana qb Kellen Lewis served a mysterious suspension this past spring, one of those fun undisclosed ones that keeps you wondering where the crime lies somewhere between “missed some class” and “was caught fighting apes in the simian research facility for fun and profit.”
Now we know what that suspension was for: excessive partying, and subsequent class absences and grade slippage. In his own words:
“I must have thought I was in Los Angeles, Calif., or something. I got into the rock star mentality and I took it way too far.”
Kellen Lewis speaks in abbreviations? 3000 yards passing and 700+ yards rushing just hint at the talent there. Perhaps it is best if he stays in Indiana, though, long term-wise: if he displays Hollywood-scale hedonism in podunkish Bloomington, the chemistry resulting from an exposure to actual live nightlife could be disastrous for Lewis. He will start Indiana’s opener, having won his way back into the good graces of head coach Bill Lynch.
Even when unaccompanied by thumping marching band music, Lewis does have his moments:
Hey. YOU!!!
You’re not very tough, or at least that’s what the Dapper Don thinks.
Texas always has a very polished team that has great talent, but they aren’t tough, they aren’t a physically tough team…My defense will get to a point where they will be mean, nasty and ornery bastards and that’s what you need for Texas. Texas will move the ball with tit-for-tat, screens and options, but we’ll make them pay a price whenever they catch one of those dinky passes. We’ll put three hats on them and make them not want to get up, that’s the way to beat Texas.”
Schnellenberger just called you a man too afraid to wear suspenders, Texas. Or he did this, like, a week ago and we didn’t notice. FAU does play hard–their first half against Florida last year was feisty, and only the inevitable talent differential landslide buried them. The knock against Texas not being physical seems odd, though: a top ten run defense, a 17th-ranked run offense, both harbingers of what we would dub a “physical” football team.
We mean, um, YES SCHNELLY. We bring you offerings of our finest retiree-grade rum and Marshall’s menswear in tribute.
WARNING: SPOILER ALERT!!! We present our preview of all that will happen in the upcoming season. All of this will actually happen in the manner described. If you do not want to know more about the script for the upcoming season, please avert your eyes now.
–North Carolina State will lose to South Carolina when Steve Spurrier, down 17-3 at the half, inserts Steven Garcia into the starting lineup. Garcia will lead the Gamecocks to 28 unanswered points, but will be lost for the season when he becomes involved in a barfight in the early fourth quarter.
–Missouri/Illinois, after nine overtimes, agree to settle the game with a competitive weightlifting match between coaches. This ends badly.
–Ryan Perrilloux plays a superb game for Jacksonville State against Georgia Tech, completing 22 of 34 passes for 279 yards and 3 TDs in a 41-24 loss to the Yellow Jackets. He then retires for a quiet evening of crochet, which helps keeps his hands busy, and watches a marathon of HellDate on BET in the hotel room to unwind. (more…)
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The dream lives ooooooooon!!! YES YES YES YES YES YES: Foundations laid, history’s made, and we’re all drinking Schnellenburgerade! Try to avoid guffawing when they mention losing to Oklahoma State, and just show a black screen for an awkward half-second. Iowa State has had so many kegs of beer dent the pavement in Ames’ Campustown that the city has decided that the jacked-up pavement will be replaced with a rubber sidewalk. Iowa State, you live to win, and for that we salute you with ONE HUNDRED COCKTAILS. (HT: ‘Fesser. Oh, Mike Gundy. You truly are the bottomless vodka bottle that never fails to dizzy the equilibrium and cloud the judgment. He’s right, though: the Big Ten quarterbacks’ roster is a lackluster one. When you seriously give thought to ranking C.J. Bacher as the second best qb in conference, you are working with the tails and snouts of college signal calling. (Counter! To be fair, snouts and tails can be “a religious epiphany.”) JUCO transfer Kevin Craft will start at qb UCLA, and is currently being carried aloft in a sedan chair hermetically encased in a plastic bubble to prevent injury. He is taking online courses to prevent infections from paper cuts. Averaging 9 and a half yards every time you touch the ball, doing your homework, and working out like a fiend while earning a reputation as one of the best players in college football. BUT WHERE IS HIS SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP EAGLE SPIRITNESS!!! As bad a mood as we’re in today, we would usually call this an odious piece of monkey shit served on a bed of idiotballs. But we’re actually pulling for Galactus to devour the Earth today, so black is our mood…so, yeah, it’s total monkeyshit on idiotball arugula served with a “What the fuck do you want, journoboy? Bullshit pep squad moves?” Get Percy some pom-poms! Stat! |
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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