Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson, provides this week’s emergency edition of the Fulmer Cup. Now with more siren to denote lack of time to score points and looming finality to this season’s FC race. Scanty details and refusals to change anything at all follow the jump.

9.0 ypc, 0.16 BAC. Zach Luckett, a wide receiver at Virginia tech, earns the Hokies four points for a DUI and operating a vehicle under a revoked license. The offense is Luckett’s second DUI, but with a 0.16 BAC he’s not even at the Eddie Sutton level of automotive drunkenness. (To be fair: Eddie Sutton’s average may be a 24 hr. constant measure, not just a one-time thing, so Luckett could only top him for short periods, anyway.)

It’s officially garbage time, leaving only two teams really in position to catch Alabama: West Virginia and Missouri. The viability of any team really exchanging places with Alabama is low, low, low: practice is in full swing, players are worked to the bone and under close supervision, and the math doesn’t look promising. Only the promise of returning students, opening week parties, and a slightly weakened out-of-drinking-season tolerance to booze holds any hope of significant change. Kappa Delta rush party and Everclear Sidecars, you’re our only hope!