Banning all doors immediately. Joe McKnight, USC’s Reggie Bush clone-in-waiting, has missed practice this fall due to the following things: a hyperextended elbow, a hungry door hinge, and a malicious fungus attacking his penis and balls.

Program instructions are to keep Mr. McKnight away from all wet linens, slippery floors, and rogue parrots. Obey these instructions to the letter.

The sixth biggest threat to Joe McKnight’s season: rogue parrot injury.

Lightining bolt! Ohio State’s linemen have mandated lightning bolts cut into the coiffures of Buckeye linemen…if they have enough hair to do it, of course. (Note in the article that Steve Rehring is pre-emptively shorn, a wise move on his part.) This is quite possibly the first ironic, funny thing ever associated with Ohio State football, which has to this point marched through history with the solemnity of a constipated Chinese military parade.

Charismatic quote machine strikes again. Jeff Tedford, architect of both Cal’s resurgence and the Tedford-bot, the amazingly efficient interchangeable annual late first-round/early second-round draft pick, is the BEST QUOTE EVER for a reporter looking for that little extra pickapeppa in their morning column. Why, check out this provocative, hard-hitting quote on the spread of the no-huddle spread in the college, and its chances of taking over completely from the two-back pro set as the standard offense scheme in college!

“It’s possible,” Cal coach Jeff Tedford said.

BE AWED AT THE SASS!!! You’ve been thunderstruck, and there’s nothing you can do about it.

The post-Matt Ryan era continues to lift ever so slowly off the ground at BC. The Eagles are putting in the game plan for Kent State a week early to give extra time to prepare for the new offense at Georgia Tech, proving that if installing whatever variant of the triple option at Tech doesn’t do anything else, it will benefit whomever Tech’s opponent plays the week afterwards in terms of eating up planning time.

It is a sign of the people’s progress! UCLA tallied four interceptions and eight sacks in practice, which only happened because their defense is really, really good.