JASON WHITLOCK NOT DAREDEVIL IS THE MAN WITHOUT FEAR
Railing against ESPN and other black sportswriters is balls enough for two men, but professional sportswriter and powernapper Jason Whitlock is like Milton Berle in a cockshow: seemingly showing it all, he stuns you by showing you still more.
2. The Ball State Cardinals are going to run the table and make a bid to crash the BCS bowl party. I (spit) you not.
Five balls, ladies and gentlemen. Jason Whitlock officially has five testicles, though one of them is reserved for use on holidays and vacations only. Just like all the five-testicled wonders of this world, he invites mockery in picking a team with a defense that allowed 28 points a game last year and has to face the McRib-style Vince Young of Isabella County, MI, Dan Lefevour (not really Vince Young, and made with 100% pressed white meat) and Central Michigan at the end of the season.
Plus…even if you pick up the ketamine of such speculation and give it a whirl by buying into a Ball State insurrection (band name), you’ll end up out in the cold thanks to Hawaii’s colossal flop in the 2008 Sugar Bowl, especially if BYU hitches their holy britches up just so and wrecks shop in the Mountain West.
But it’s balls, for sure. To conclude, in accordance with international blog standards, we post this picture of Herr Whitlock.
Carrying balls around like that is tiring. Sleep on, sweet be-sacked prince.
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1
sb says:
Must have been dictation made during one such bout of five-testicle induced slumber…otherwise, just plain fut up…
August 15th, 2008 at 12:31 pm
2
D.N. Nation says:
Ahh, the Mark May School Of Non-BCS Hype Shenanigans: Just list a bunch of people.
“The Cardinals are loaded. In Nate Davis, they have quite possibly the quarterback with the most pro potential in the college game. Davis’ favorite target is Wes Welker clone, Dante Love. The Cards have a 6-foot-6 tight end, Darius Hill, who can’t be stopped in the red zone. Their right tackle, Robert Brewster, is one of the nation’s best run blockers. Ball State punter, Chris Miller, is a two-time Playboy All-American.”
That’s nice. No citations or real arguments or anything, says D.N. Nation, one of the best college football posters you’ll ever see. Also, the punter? You listed the punter? Huh.
Ball State went a sterling 7-6 last year. The schedule, as you’d expect, is a big steaming pile this year…but they’ll get smoked by Indiana and that will be that.
“Ball State is this year’s Boise State.”
Boise State’s win over Oklahoma might be the worst thing to ever happen to college football. Now you laugh, but imagine 50 years from now when we’re STILL hearing about how someone is This! Year’s! Boise! State!. Imagine how you’ll feel then, assuming you haven’t already offed yourself.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:35 pm
3
GamecockTony says:
“…though one of them is reserved for use on holidays and vacations only.”
Whitlock is married, huh?
August 15th, 2008 at 12:47 pm
4
John says:
Why does no one ever say “this year’s 2004 Utah?” Sure, they beat a Pitt team that had no business being in the BCS, but they surely were one of the five best teams that year.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
5
PSUrob says:
Dimpus Burger Guy: Uhh, right. Beverage?
Whitlock: Gimme a litre o’ triptofan.
Dimpus Burger Guy: What?
Whitlock: [Annoyed] A litre o’ triptofan.
Dimpus Burger Guy: [into mic] Litreatriptofan? Do we sell litreatriptofan?
August 15th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
6
InsaneCoachPosse says:
bet if you took an x-ray of this guy’s head, it would show all 5 testicles… and nothing else inside
August 15th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
7
The Song of Hiawatha Francisco says:
@D.N. Nation: I completely, wholly and unquestioningly trust Whitlock’s assessment of quarterback potential, especially for the NFL. His many odes penned to the greatness that was Jeff George has convinced me that his analysis is beyond reproach.
August 15th, 2008 at 12:59 pm
8
Ground0EastLansing says:
Les Miles is not impressed.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:00 pm
9
Signal to Noise says:
Five balls but he still can’t reach a one of ‘em.
(I fucking hate Whitlock and his blame hip-hop for everything ways.)
August 15th, 2008 at 1:16 pm
10
Diallo says:
Hate is such a strong word, Signal. How about, “I fucking despise that motherfucker with every fiber of my being.” See, much better.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:23 pm
11
hobeg8r says:
Unrelated post…but since I don’t think I will be seeing any clarification from main stream news about CI’s rent issue, this is from the G”ville Sun:
(Cornelius) Ingram wants to set the record straight. His rent was paid and two roommates told him they were paid through the end of September. Turns out they were not. Ingram’s mind has been a little cluttered since the day of the knee injury. He has paid up and is now moving out to live with his family in Hawthorne while rehabilitating after surgery.
The landlord is still a scumbag.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:31 pm
12
AlanInDC says:
@#7
If memory serves me, Whitlock went to high school with Jeff George, hence the unmerciless ball washing he gives him whenever possible.
Hey, at least it’s a little positive press for the Cards.
August 15th, 2008 at 1:39 pm
13
Brian O'Blivion says:
Ball State Insurrection is not a bad band name, but it doesn’t beat my buddy’s band name in college, Free Beer. They played to huge crowds, who actually found out they were pretty good, after the initial letdown that beer wasn’t actually free. Sometimes they played parties where the beer was actually free, and the posters for those parties were pretty funny.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:57 pm
14
twogreattastes says:
Between David Letterman and Whitlock, Ball State is getting more positive press than they deserve. Sure, they almost beat Nebraska last year, but getting excited about almost beating 2007 Nebraska is like bragging that your mom says you’re the second most handsome guy in school.
August 15th, 2008 at 3:59 pm
15
meatybob says:
#14
Withlock went to Ball State? Well, nuthin wrong a little homerism.
August 15th, 2008 at 6:56 pm
16
shanensga says:
So the guy loves His Alma Mater and his High School QB. Nothing wrong with that. The main stream media joined in the hype for June Jones and the Warriors and rammed Them down Our throats last year. Thus forcing Me to sit through the worst, and longest, third quarter of football in my life. I never thought I would leave the Sugar Bowl early, especially with UGA winning, but Burbon St beckoned. This years Boise State is last year’s Hawaii. That being said, the guy can write. I would trade Terrance Moore for Him any day.
August 16th, 2008 at 5:38 am
17
AlanInDC says:
16:
But would you trade Terrance Mann?
\
People will come Ray…
August 16th, 2008 at 8:46 am
18
Kyle says:
No offense to Big Sexy, whose work I love, but Central Michigan is going to wax Ball State. Dan Lefevour is like Tim Tebow, only not as holy.
August 16th, 2008 at 2:11 pm
19
DevilGrad says:
Re #15: Big Sexy didn’t just go to Ball State, he played for Ball State, and he’s still a big enough Cards fan to post occasionally on the Ball State fan board. Every sportswriter is entitled to one or two blind spots, and at least his are different than most.
That said, Nate Davis *is* one hell of a player (though not, as noted above, as good as LeFevour — who scares the hell out of this Miami fan).
August 18th, 2008 at 7:32 am
20
D.N. Nation says:
@#4:
“Sure, they beat a Pitt team that had no business being in the BCS, but they surely were one of the five best teams that year.”
Oh really? Utah’s best wins in 2004: At home against a flaky aTm team. At home against a crappy UNC team. And…that’s it. Utah was one of the 25 best teams that year, and maybe even the 15 best teams that year, but had they played anyone with a pulse in the Fiesta Bowl, their Hawaiiness would have been revealed for all to see.
August 18th, 2008 at 8:47 am
21
shanensga says:
17, Hell yes I would trade terrance Mann, I built it and nobodyshowed up!
August 18th, 2008 at 9:31 am
22
Papa Lou BSU says:
Ah yes, we have D.N. Nation, yet another fan who believes brand names actually outweigh the play on the field. Therefore, any success by a non-BCS club is dismissed as a one-time fluke, and any flops by a non-BCS team are evidence that *no non-BCS team should ever be given another shot on the national stage ever, ever again.*
Ooooh, how edgy. You sure put us in our place!
August 18th, 2008 at 11:07 am
23
D.N. Nation says:
Papa Lou- Seeing how I’m a fan of a team who authored both the 2005 Boise Beatdown and the 2008 Hawaii Hilarity, I kinda automatically have to look at the Mid! Major! Du! Jooooooooooour!!!!!! with a wary eye.
Also, the fact remains: Utah didn’t play anyone in 2004. Not a soul. Not a single win of more than remote relevance.
August 18th, 2008 at 3:13 pm