The Kid from House Rock Built presents his 5 Fight Songs for Getting Your Swole On. Get cracking! There’s hang cleans to be done, son! BARWIS SEES ALL.

We don’t know about the rest of you, but we are definitely that guy at the gymnasium with the iPod zoning out, trying to forget they are surrounded by the interminably douchy after work crowd day in and day out. Please let our doughy dilligent self through to the real weights please, as we’d like to put in our time and get the fuck out. Thanks, guy doing uneccessarily heavy shoulder shrugs 2 inches from the rest of the rack.

Regardless, our workout mix is always gingerly sprinkled with 5 times the US government’s daily recommended dosage of college fight songs. We have to say that there are just some songs that pick you right the fuck up like that barely legal caffeine-guarana-panther testicle poison they sell next to the towel bin. So, we pay tribute to our 5 favorite allies on the warrior’s trail to jacked-uped-ness.

Honorable Mention: Rudy Montage

We’re not talking about the sappy Zamfir in the pines panflute nonsense, but we have to show our love for the rambling blue-collar ballad of a scrappy little lad that tries so big. We’re especially fond of the corresponding movie sequence that let’s us see Samwise Gangee get the everloving crap kicked out of him by Polish immigrants.

Dont just stand there trying to think! Let’s hit those ropes! Jump to 1:35

Aggie War Hymn

Let’s just get up front about things and say that most fight songs are rather upbeat and happy tunes. We’re looking squarely at the Texas Longhorns working on that railroad of theirs all the livelong day, but we have to say the militant beat of the Aggie War Hymn has a great cadence for any number of ridiculously exerting activites. It almost has a smattering of the theme from Rocky if you try to hear it.

[Fighting Redacted] War Chant

A close runner-up to the kickass of the Florida State theme, your Rose Bowl runners-up have a catchy tune for you to feed the warrior within. Find a version with about 40 drums too many and go nuts. Its not REALLY a war chant, but we’ll take what we can get. In the WWE of fight songs as costumed wrestlers, [Fighting Redacted] are Tatanka.


The noble buffalo approves.

Florida State War Chant

The Undefeated of all savage war cries. Conjuring images of painted horses and flaming spears surely add to its majesty, but the endless drone of the Seminole legions is the true source of its domination. A long staple of opposing team weight rooms to get them fired up for games of the centuries. Load the spacehip with the rocket fuel! Load it with the warriors!


Needs more tassels, but yes: a good swole song nonetheless.

Southern Cal, the Only Song They Know

Its boring, and its slow. It’s the only song they know, and it will strike fear into the hearts of any army about to be trampled under the Trojan heel. It is a sound of impending doom. Doomy Doom Doom DOOM to those that oppose them. To the faithful, it is the sound of endless victory. In both cases, it gets you the fuck up and ready to stab your foe with a trident, light his daughter on fire, and pillage the ever living crap out of his village.


Play another song sometime! PLEEEEEEASE!!!

The Union of Soviet Socialist Republics

There is nothing in this country’s collegiate pepidemiology that can compare, however, to the glorious anthem of the Soviet workers. There are at least two movies that are instantly awesome by their renditions of this hymn, The Hunt for Red October and Rocky IV, and it was really a tough call as to which version to highlight….but Drago has fireworks and a whole motherfucking battalion on his side. He must break you. We have absolutely no problem with a team like the Red Raiders adopting this as their unofficial song of pirate praise.

We use this version because it is immensely cool, and could not find footage of the crew of the Red October singing it as they go silent. That would have been indescribably cool–ed.