Surrealist curveball: Santana shreds! Bad guitar dubbed over clips of wankery=us spitting our drank all over the screen.

The devastating ACL tear of the day goes to Illinois DT Sirod Williams, who illustrated the primary structural defect in the human body yesterday in practice. Williams represents a significant loss for the Illini, who started 12 of 13 games last year at tackle. Beano Cook, who we really respect when he’s not attempting to stab us in our sleep, talks on the ESPN Podcast about how he thinks this is all weightlifting’s fault. Mass is mass is mass: you may as well blame a combo of HFCS, genetics, and the weakness of the knee ligament for the injuries. If anything, we’d wager weightlifting to a certain degree limits knee injuries by strengthening the muscles around the leg.

If they want a new DT, the Illini might just keep getting Will Davis to consume 6,000 calories a day, or to even begin eating with Michael Phelps. We don’t believe it, though, since this quote:

“And also protein shakes. I was throwing ice cream in it and things like that, and that was hitting about 1,200 calories just in one shake. I was drinking those about three times a day, too, just straight out the blender.”

…is obviously lifted directly from D’Angelo’s blog, HowIwentfrombeingunholyrippedandcooltobeingfatandinvisible.blogspot.com. Plagiarism, ho!

Josh Jarboe transfers to Troy, where he’ll get a second chance and hopefully avoid doing anything as heinous as rapping in cliches. See, if he’d spit some original fire? No complaint from David Boren, who appreciates the real live pulse of America’s pre-eminent musical form of our era as much as the next playa. But that weak knockoff Dirty South shit? The Sooners can’t put up with that. Ronnie Wilson says he found the punishment harsh, and recommends shooting it with a knockoff AK-47.

Can I pay you with shards of my ACL? Florida TE Cornelius Ingram is behind on his rent and faces eviction. As someone who struggled to even put on pants in college, we sympathize, CI.

Stop, chop, and roll. 3rd Saturday in Blogtober, we are clapping in your general direction for this.