“Nothing shows a man’s character more than what he laughs at.”

Blogtoberfest: witty title goes here!

Number three in your hearts, number one in your pants. Trev loves us, even though we have to work harder to win his love.

He’s obviously never read us in a full mid-season espresso lather…not yet, that is.

Baby Rhino’s gonna be on the cover of Men’s Fitness, sandwiched right between the article on flatter abs now! and better sex now! and be a UFC champion AND a high-performing CEO now! Friends of the Program has the full workout plan, of course.

Your visual Michigan calendar appears here. Apologies, Yvgeni, we have no idea where the first [NAME REDACTED] post is.

Ted Miller is ripping it at his ESPN blog, and brings you (more…)

Forbes named Nick Saban the most powerful coach in college football, which Forbes being Forbes, they did based primarily on the salary paid to him. In case you haven’t heard, that total is somewhere between $4 million and $5 million a year in total compensation, not counting his killer robot Cybertyde, the space elevator to Alabama’s Orbital Running Lab (zero gs=zero knee joint stress), and the membership to the Exotic Meat of the Month Club. (This month’s installment: Panda for the Olympics!)

How powerful is Saban? So powerful he can pull the first version of the Forbes cover, which he objected to quite strenously.

You get an LSU guy to do the farkin’, you get Saban as Lollipop Guild.

The Forbes article also figures out the most underpaid and overpaid coaches, and you’ll be shocked at how well your expectations line up with their results, especially on the overpaid side. The list includes your obvious ones–Kirk Ferentz, Greg Robinson, Al Groh, and Charlie Weis–but surprised us with the inclusion of Ralph Friedgen, who has been just 15-17 in conference over the past four years after a ripping start at Maryland, and should have been included, we suppose, and well aren’t you smart for seeing this when we didn’t, Jackass McSmartfartley?

(Note: when the the eventual obit for the Greg Robinson era is written, this must be the official picture for the story. There is no other choice.)

P.S. Ever the perfectionist, Freek has an additional Saban cover after the jump.
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OBEY.

Michigan State earns one of the weirdest Fulmer Cup scores of the year, and we mean weird in the “Orwellian legal language we don’t quite get” instead of the “steals gay sheep while drunk” mode. Three Spartan football players were cited for “failure to obey the police” on June 30th after they ran from policemen.

“The officers were on campus investigating a crime that had been reported to them, and they approached (the players), who took off running,” Dunnings said. “When the officers caught up with them, they said they never heard them say ‘Stop!’ But that kind of begs the question of why they ran.”

What were they hiding? What had they done? The mystery is bottomless! Theories!

–They found the entrance to T.J. Duckett’s Enchanted Ancient Bombproof Snack Bunker, and didn’t want anyone to know.

–Found Charles Rogers’ old weed stash. Believed they were running from “squirrels the size of the Sears Tower,” not policemen.

–Thought policemen were actually newly Barwis-ized Michigan football players.

–All three share a morbid fear of male strippers, and were only acting on instinct.

Who knows? The possibilities are LIMITLESS, we tell you, unlike Michigan State’s Fulmer Cup points, which in this case total three.

The Trojans are suffering through both the injury of their starting quarterback and an epidemic of some former Russian Military jock itch let loose upon their blue chip ladystands. Our take is over at the Sporting Blog, but here and only here can you purchase the shirt that, Trojans fans, you must be wearing when USC takes the field with a burning desire to compete and scratch away the memories of losing to Stanford.

Rubbing our whiskered chin, let’s revisit history here…Stanford has a toxic, staphylococcus-infested couch…time passes…then Stanford suddenly not only beats USC, but then the following spring USC comes down with an outbreak of jock itch so crippling it actually sidelines players? Jim Harbaugh bows to no man or bacterium. Let the conspiracy theories begin.

North Carolina fans are making very logical shirts involving greater than signs and names:

Yes, that makes perfect sense there.

(HT: Brahsome.)

Wisconsin is the drankinest drunkenest drunkass state in the union, and not by margins, either: the state’s binge drinking stats outpace other states by wide berths, an empirical fact anyone who’s ever been drinking in Milwaukee has intuited for themselves after vomiting into the lake at five in the morning under the watchful eye of a local who, nicely enough, has your vomit chaser waiting for you. (Secret: it’s more beer! You’re gonna die.)

But remember, Badgers, you’re not alcoholics. No, you’re professionals, and it shows. Only a student body used to multitasking under the influence of stunning amounts of booze would be able to do “Jump Around” without falling in waves to the floor and remember the intricacies of this fine chant, which we totally think you should blast at the top of you speaker so your boss can hear! (Don’t do this. Please.)

And this is precisely why we’ve never been to Camp Randall. In the drinking Olympiad that is a weekend in Madison, we’re terrified that even with the impressive amount of liver conditioning already under our belt we’d wind up being less Michael Phelps and more Ranos Baranyai going up against competition like that.

Wisconsin fans might have to double up on the scotch with scotch chasers, too: the Badgers’ first two games will be broadcast on the Big Ten Network, an option currently not standard on Wisconsin’s biggest cable networks. Jim Delany apologizes, suggests you do a shot on him this fall.