SPREAD HD: A UNICORN WITH A TELEVISION HEAD

by Orson on Aug 12, 2008 10:43 AM EDT

1994: Fashion mistakes were made.

We hate split offensive play-calling systems. Despise them. Loathe them. Think they should be thrown into the flames with our old high school yearbooks and that collarless button-down we misguidedly purchased in 1994. ("Dude, it's like a dai-shiki you can tuck in. Exotic, but still formal.")

This likely comes from watching the [REDACTED]/Fedora/Locksley monstrosity at Florida in the early '00s, which even to the untrained eye had an incoherence to it that, at critical moments devolved into dada. Our third bubble-screen in a row? Really? When they just stopped the first two? A draw on third down? Daring! Even when you're working with top-grade quality, the gangbang approach to in-game strategy seems ineffective at best, especially in terms of setting up defenses for plays later in the game.

Enter Penn State, where Jay Paterno* governs the pass game, Galen Hall** governs the run game, and the end product sort of sits there and cooks at a lukewarm temperature the health department suggests is unsafe for human consumption.

Penn State's last offensive pulse beat somewhere around 2005 when Michael Robinson, unleashed by some cribbed spread-option zone read hoodoo, took Penn State to the Orange Bowl and rewrote the code of reality by making announcers pity a Minnesota safety for a hit he took from a quarterback.

Brian has already laid to waste JayPa's* record as a quarterbacks coach. (Hint: it's worse than mediocre, meaning leaning toward "poor.") There's little in the way of excuse, since Penn State has consistently taken quality sirloin talent at quarterback and parlayed it into steak finger performance at the college level.

With beloved whipping boy and bookie's worst enemy Anthony Morelli gone,

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So, is that Nike wearin HD head havin unicorn from the movie Silent Hill?
Just a quick note on Obama, his crazy Rev. Wright is gonna release his “tell all” book in October, just in time to torpedo the Obama election, just to get even for being rebuked by Obama. Friends are fun. And Madden 2009,I got it, and you still cant run between the tackles…. :(

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Aug 12, 2008 10:53 AM EDT reply actions

again, Holly tosses down the creative gauntlet to LSUfreek… what’cha gonna do now, punk?

by InsaneCoachPosse on Aug 12, 2008 10:53 AM EDT reply actions

All I want is for JoPa to have more overall wins than Bobba at reFSU when the final tally is made. Nothing worse than a ‘mole with something apparently positive to crow about. If it takes jet-packs and lasers, so be it…so far PSU has yet to break out the cryogenic equipment for JoPa…it has worked wonders for the cadaver that is Bobba. Hell, reFSU makes him look like he’s actually walking and talking.

by sb on Aug 12, 2008 10:55 AM EDT reply actions

Can Jopa even handle half of the play calling anymore? Will he ever quit or will they have to haul his carcass out of the stadium? Maybe if Bobby Bowden quits after this year Jopa will hang it up after he has the unassailable total wins record.

by kyle8 on Aug 12, 2008 10:56 AM EDT reply actions

AOL would not have been the place for a picture like that. Pretty sure the interwebs would have melted from furious comment rage.

by Ryno on Aug 12, 2008 11:02 AM EDT reply actions

A Dalek?

100 cocktails to you, sir.

by Maize n Brew Dave on Aug 12, 2008 11:16 AM EDT reply actions

When Dick Rod was at WVU, he ran a ton of bubble screens, QB draws and QB Iso’s with Owen Schmitt leading up through the middle.

That bubble screen has to be the worst play in football.

Never did work against South Florida. I wonder how it’s going to look against OSU.

by TC#27 on Aug 12, 2008 11:27 AM EDT reply actions

That guy could totally play Ian Ziering’s dad.

by Rich on Aug 12, 2008 11:41 AM EDT reply actions

I told my buddy’s in college not to buy those cadet collar shirts…. they wouldn’t listen.

by Mark D on Aug 12, 2008 11:48 AM EDT reply actions

Steve Garvey never looked so handsome.

by Kernel on Aug 12, 2008 11:57 AM EDT reply actions

hey Maize n Brew Dave – was that a compliment that Holly is now “one of the boys” or did you not notice the initials in the corner of the photo?

by InsaneCoachPosse on Aug 12, 2008 11:57 AM EDT reply actions

Even in 1994, that was not considered fashionable, except among the “elite” douchebags.

by meatybob on Aug 12, 2008 12:03 PM EDT reply actions

im sorry, but the technology in that picture (steampunk or not) is too far advanced to be on the psu sideline.

by jd on Aug 12, 2008 12:18 PM EDT reply actions

Something along these lines was recently canonized to Goodwillmortality from our high school collection circa the same time I spent 2nd period BC Cal scribbling mock formations for the Rams to use Eric Crouch in our own mad scientist wide receiver/qb/A-1-forefather offensive sexsplosion. (Awful fashion + suboptimal offense)^2 == Trend of two!

by WorstFan on Aug 12, 2008 12:39 PM EDT reply actions

You S.E.C. guys are wacked out!

Why drag Larry “The Hat” Fedora into your past Florida nightmare(s)-

He was only in residence in Gainesville from 2002-2004.

Under Florida Head Coach “Name Redacted”, he was Offensive Run Game Coordinator in ’02, Offensive Perimeter Game coordinator in ’03 and finally got the keys to the new shiny car as the full blown Offensive Coordinator in ’04.

Gee, I would hate to have an offense like Fedora’s at Florida in 2004——-

His 2004 Florida offense ranked first in the SEC in six categories: passing offense (271.1 ypg), total offense (426.9 ypg), third-down conversion percentage (47.8), touchdown passes (29), pass attempts (407) and pass completions (243).

Fedoras 2004 Florida offense was the first in conference history to feature the top passer, top rusher, top receiver and top player in total offense.

And just the second in SEC history to feature the leagues top passer and top rusher.

Boy that would suck…

by Pete Taylor on Aug 12, 2008 12:41 PM EDT reply actions

Pete-

Fedora was never an issue. In fact, ’04 was the only time the offense under [NAME REDACTED] had any kind of a coherent identity, mostly because he stopped messing around with play delegation and just let Fedora do most of the work. Prior to that it had been a mesh of Zaunbrecher, Fedora, Locksley, and occasionally [REDACTED] himself.

No issues with Fedora…just the management thereof.

by Orson Swindle on Aug 12, 2008 12:56 PM EDT reply actions

If youre wondering what this will all look like, it will be like a rare, mystical unicorn with an HDTV for a face tuned to an Obama commercial with black Nikes on and the Apollo moon lander sewn onto it.

Sentences like these are what keep me coming back.

by Land of Os(borne) on Aug 12, 2008 1:59 PM EDT reply actions

Pete-

Orson hit it on the head, that offense was less than the sum of its parts, all those stats just emphasize the absolute absurdity of the frequent WTF moments that occurred during those years, and general consensus and history seem to be proving out that Fedora was the least to blame, if at all, for those moments…

by Ltrain on Aug 12, 2008 2:05 PM EDT reply actions