“YOU BETTER BURN SOME A T. BOONE’S MONEY”
You’ve probably deleted this nugget off the hard drive in preparation for the terrabytes of asswhip you’ll have to remember for this season, but one of the more decisive and shocking asswhippings of 2007 erupted from the teeny burg of Troy, Alabama, where the preseason top 25 pick Oklahoma State finished their early season implosion and fall from the rankings with a 41-23 drubbing of the Cowboys.
Troy, the tiny candiru of the college football world–little! savage! will swim up your penis and cripple you in ways far disproportional to its size!–is dealing with the win like they’ve been there before, of course, dismissing any talk of this year’s rematch as a “revenge game” as “just another football game,” and that “it’s gonna be a tough matchup no matter how it goes.”
Shit. Quick edit: they’re not doing that at all. Apologies. Larry Blakeney, head coach of Troy, is doing the exact opposite of that.
“They might have a bonfire and burn some of T. Boone’s money to get ready for the game,” Blakeney said, referring to Boone Pickens.
HOOOOWEEE!!! J.R.’s not going to like that. Wind-powered robots are on the way to Larry Blakeney’s house at this instant to tear him limb from limb. Remember, Larry, the key to escaping them is to run perpendicular to the wind. Wind-powered robots hate it when you do that.
The robots are on their way. You have 32 minutes to live, weather permitting.
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1
Any help? says:
I thought the “guns up” was a Texas Tech hand signal. Does OK State do it too?
August 11th, 2008 at 2:02 pm
2
Chilltown says:
Larry is about to meet the worst kind of death imaginable: being hacked to pieces by a giant wind turbine.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:04 pm
3
Grimey says:
You don’t come to Movie Gallery Stadium talking trash. You’ll get your butt whooped.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
4
spartymike says:
Joke’s on Coach Larry when T. Boone lights up about five mill’ or so in $1s, $5s, and $10s he doesn’t feel like counting that weekend. The Coach Larry effigy alone will be a cool 500K.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:12 pm
5
blon57 says:
Enough about OU Lite today.
Move on, nothing to see here, folks. Literally.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:15 pm
6
Harris says:
Gotta hand it to Blakeney, HE’S A MAN! HE’S 40!
That will never get old.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:16 pm
7
Joel says:
I cannot think about the dickfish without involuntarily clutching my junk.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:22 pm
8
Doug says:
Waiting until your two-time Sun-Belt-Player-of-the-Year QB and rising-star offensive coordinator to depart before tweaking the Cowboys: Is anyone else having flashbacks to that “Bad Idea Jeans” SNL ad from the mid-’80s?
August 11th, 2008 at 2:27 pm
9
Brian O'Blivion says:
Are those pod people?
August 11th, 2008 at 2:28 pm
10
hunglikehussein says:
Interesting fact dept:
(1.) Alabama and Auburn have never played Troy in football.
(2.) Troy has a lifetime 7-2 record against Louisiana-Monroe.
Things that make you go Hmmmmm.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:37 pm
11
Bunkie Perkins says:
Other interesting facts dept:
Arsenio Hall cringed at that last comment.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:49 pm
12
them oklahoma says:
#5-
There can never be a quota on making fun of Aggie Lite/Dirt/Citrus Aggie/Crapface State. Yes, it is too easy and, yes, I have more fun laughing at the things texas players do in the offseason (and, many times, during the season). But, the fact stands that it is still and will always be a good time for all… maybe not the sheep. Those poor, poor sheep.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:53 pm
13
Stephen says:
There’s an old Jerry Clower joke that ends with the line “I just want to make sure he knows that I’m a bull” about a bull more afraid of taking it in the pooper than getting mauled by a larger, more dominant bull. Larry is kind of like that. He put up billboards on I-65 proclaiming anybody, anywhere advertising their games against tOSU, LSU, and OkState this year. Soon, I’m sure he’ll call out Auburn and Alabama.
Candiru. Great Venture Brothers gag involving that fish and testicular torsion. I’ll leave that for another day.
August 11th, 2008 at 2:56 pm
14
blon57 says:
#10
Louisiana-Monroe men’s sports has a recruiting budget of just over $87,000. This is the ENTIRE budget for men’s sports—football, basketball, etc.
Another thing that makes you go Hmmmmm….
August 11th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
15
CincySooner says:
Oklahoma St: Where $165 Million buys you 5th place in the Big XII South.
August 11th, 2008 at 3:02 pm
16
NewAZTiger says:
It’s a well known fact that FSU doesn’t always travel with it’s band.
It’s a little known fact that Oklahoma State doesn’t always travel with it’s defense.
August 11th, 2008 at 3:03 pm
17
NewAZTiger says:
#13: Blakeney’s at Troy and not the HC at AU because of the Eric Ramsey incident. I doubt he’d call out AU.
Calling out Bama isn’t even newsworthy any more, as Troy has been a better team than Bama for the last couple of years.
August 11th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
18
blon57 says:
#16
And sometimes, UT (Texas) leaves the offense at home, much like the UT/OU LIte game last year. Luckily they showed up during the fourth quarter, scored 21 points and we won.
A tad bit embarrassing, but it ended up in W column so I guess we shouldn’t complain.
August 11th, 2008 at 3:22 pm
19
twogreattastes says:
Last year, Nebraska traveled without its defense, and wouldn’t let it in the stadium during home games.
August 11th, 2008 at 3:43 pm
20
hunglikehussein says:
@17
NewAZTiger, that was just guilt by association (Pat “SGT. Schultz” Dye). LB wasn’t implicated in any of the *cough* incentive awards*cough*.
Or am I wrong? Seems like a good coach, helped make the transition to 1-A and has been there forever.
August 11th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
21
PeterPumpkinhead says:
Losing to LA-Monroe by 7 is embarrassing. (As is losing to Troy by 18). I’m in no way trying to play that down here. Not at all. The memory of sitting in the stands and watching that are permanently seared into my retinas.
I will point out, though, that the loss hinged on two bizarre fumbles by one Mr. J Johns, currently charged with several nefarious crimes (those of you who follow the Fulmer Cup are intimately aware, I’m sure). Do we think, while he was involved in dealing drugs, he also could have been involved in gambling? Anyone?
Just what kind of odds could you have gotten on LA-Monroe beating Bama straight up?
Again, I’m not excusing the loss in ANY WAY. It shouldn’t have been anywhere close enough for that kind of thing to matter. I’m jus’ sayin’.
August 11th, 2008 at 3:51 pm
22
Your Mom says:
@17:
If that were true about Blakeny and Ramsey, shouldn’t Larry be on AU’s payroll and not Troy’s?
August 11th, 2008 at 3:53 pm
23
Ben says:
I’M AN OILMAN! I’M 80!
August 11th, 2008 at 4:08 pm
24
Papa Lou BSU says:
“Waiting until your two-time Sun-Belt-Player-of-the-Year QB and rising-star offensive coordinator to depart before tweaking the Cowboys: Is anyone else having flashbacks to that “Bad Idea Jeans” SNL ad from the mid-’80s?”
Um, nope. Said Sun Belt team has already kicked Okie State’s asses up and down the field once. There’s no pressure on a non-BCS team traveling to a BCS stadium, so what has he got to lose? Oooh, the Cowboys might get mad and kick Troy’s butts in Stillwater? BFD. Aren’t they supposed to do that?
Troy can do no worse than a split here. Which means they’ve already won. Which means their coach can rightfully woof a little.
August 11th, 2008 at 4:39 pm
25
skinnyphatman says:
Those kids around T Boone must be some of his newer version cyborgs. Their stare is freaky, man!, like they are lookin into my soul!
/clutching knees, rocking, in a corner, “they can’t find me, they’re not real! they’re not real!”
August 11th, 2008 at 5:00 pm
26
Mr.Pelican Pants says:
That chick in the upper right looks eerily like
Natalee Hollaway, the Alabama chick that went missing in Aruba…..things that make you go hmmmmmmm
August 11th, 2008 at 5:42 pm
27
NewAZTiger says:
#19) Kevin Cosgrove is the greatest offensive coordinator in NCAA history.
August 11th, 2008 at 9:50 pm
28
hack says:
the thing i admire about troy is that they will play anyone, anywhere, anytime.
all those beatings they took as cupcake filling went along way to make them into scrappy little brawlers. Troy is kinda like the Tony Montana of college football.
“You know somethin’? You can send me anywhere. Here, there, this, that; it don’t matter. There’s nothing you can do to me that [ X ] has not done.”
X = just about every BCS school that has played Troy in the past.
August 12th, 2008 at 12:49 am
29
ChemE93 says:
hunglikehussein @20
LB was the major fall guy. He was the one caught on Ramsey’s jockrecorder (”keep it down home, ‘cuz”).
August 12th, 2008 at 8:16 am
30
Ted says:
Thanks for reminding me why I can’t even piss in the YMCA pool anymore.
August 12th, 2008 at 9:11 am
31
Nick Black says:
Rock and Roll adolescent hoodlums storm the streets of all nations. They rush into the Louvre and throw acid in the Mona Lisa’s face. They open zoos, insane asylums, prisons, burst water mains with air hammers, chop the floor out of passenger plane lavatories, shoot out lighthouses, file elevator cables to one thin wire, turn sewers into the water supply, throw sharks and sting rays, electric eels and candiru into swimming pools (the candiru is a small eel-like fish or worm about one-quarter inch through and two inches long patronizing certain rivers of ill repute in the Greater Amazon Basin, will dart up your prick or your asshole or a woman’s cunt faute de mieux, and hold himself there by sharp spines with precisely what motives is not known since no one has stepped forward to observe the candiru’s life-cycle in sito), in nautical costumes ram the Queen Mary full speed into New York Harbor, play chicken with passenger planes and busses, rush into hospitals in white coats carrying saws and axes and scalpels three feet long; throw paralytics out of iron lungs (mimic their suffocations flopping about on the floor and rolling their eyes up), administer injections with bicycle pumps, disconnect artificial kidneys, saw a woman in half with a two-man surgical saw, they drive herds of squealing pigs into the Curb, they shit on the floor of the United Nations and wipe their ass with treaties, pacts, alliances.
ahhh, vampire fish.
August 13th, 2008 at 11:50 pm