GEORGIA BEGINS SEASON WITH HUMILIATING LOSS
by Orson on Aug 11, 2008 10:49 AM EDT
61 comments
Georgia began their campaign for a national title in college football with a disheartening loss to the nation of Russia over the weekend, according to international observers and correspondents on the ground.
Using a powerful ground game and a dominating aerial assault, the Russians broke through the vaunted Georgia line "with the ease of a hot knife through butter," according to Major General Vassily Pretsky at a press conference in Moscow on Sunday night.
"We have neutralized the their offensive front with tanks and missiles, and eliminated any threat through the air with a concentrated assault on their defenses. There was little challenge in the matter for us."
"Surrender, Bulldogs of Georgia, before we run out of the mercy we have displayed thus far."
Coach Mark Richt was evac'd to a waiting mobile hospital in Landstuhl, Germany, and is listed in stable condition with multiple bullet wounds. Quarterback Matthew Stafford, and running back Knowshon Moreno are currently listed as "DL, Missing in Action." Defensive tackle Jeff Owens is listed as "knee, missile; 3-4 weeks."
Linebacker Rennie Curran alone was reachable by text message, and described his situation as "Bad, but I'm from Liberia, so it's all relative. Holding steady near Viliskinsk, send Muscle Milk, Ripped Fuel, and protein bars. Good on ammo."
The game was a rout from the beginning.
At the kick, Russian tanks broke through Georgia's defense and rolled around seemingly at will, knocking down apartment complexes, flattening homes, and neutralizing the all-important run game of the Bulldogs completely.
Larry Munson was overheard as his booth was overrun by Russian troops. "They have stepped on my face with hobnailed boots and broken my nose. Literally. The Gators are one thing, but these guys are, if you'll pardon my French, real assholes." The transmission was then cut off shortly after these remarks.
Georgia Athletic Director Damon Evans said the defeat was a natural consequence of an increased emphasis on beefing up Georgia's national and international profile with more out-of-conference games.
"This kind of thing happens with out-of-conference games. You want to play the best. You want to test yourself against the same guys who shocked the world at Stalingrad and at Kursk. We'll grow as a team because of this. We'll learn. We'll get through the rest of our SEC schedule, provided we can recover our team from the piles of rubble they're currently hiding under."
Ennis Johnson, a 46 year old resident of Canton, Georgia, expressed his heartbreak over the ruination of Georgia's national title chances over a cup of coffee and a generous serving of scattered, smothered, chunked, diced and peppered hash browns at a local Waffle House.
"I knew we had a tough schedule, but Russia? I didn't even know they had a team."
"This is what happens when you leave the South. I told my friends this would happen," added fellow Waffle House regular Robert "Bud" Taylor, 41.
"They torched us through the air. Russians can't even make concrete right, much less throw a football. Just imagine what Rudy Carpenter will do to us."
Taylor looked down at his eggs, and then stared out the window. Tears filled his eyes.
"Tech sucks."
Experts found the scheduling of the game surprising. They were even more shocked by the results.
"The speed of the Russians really surprised them," said analyst Mark May of ESPN. "They were much faster and stronger than Georgia expected, and really put pressure on the front four with their rushing attack."
May paused. "They also had tanks. That helped, too."
Lou Holtz, who works with May as a commentator for ESPN's College Football Preview, responded to questions with "TO THE BUNKER! THE SPANISH HAVE ARRIVED!!!" His whereabouts are currently unknown.
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Why is Knowshon running from Phil Loadholt?
by OPS on Aug 11, 2008 10:54 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Too bad there’s no plucky nation named Ann Arbor.
Because…..WOLVERINES!!
Get it?
GET IT??
….I’ll show myself out.
by Holly on Aug 11, 2008 10:57 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
“send Muscle Milk, Ripped Fuel, and protein bars. Good on ammo.
is going to be my new automatic response to “How are you doing?”
Also Waffle house = a tech invention, and I am appalled at what you are insinuating with that location. Not denying it, just appalled…
by Jonathan on Aug 11, 2008 11:02 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
don’t worry Holly – no matter how big of a NCAAF fan I become, “WOLVERINES!” will always make me think of Red Dawn before Michigan.
by EAJ on Aug 11, 2008 11:05 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Evil Richt is gonna nuke somebody’s ass. You think Kim Jong Il is a bad motherfucker!?!? Wait about 3 weeks so Richt can grow a mustache and it’s fucking on like neckbone.
by Spooky Juice on Aug 11, 2008 11:09 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Orson,
Being a video gamer myself, I find it both amazing and freaky that Tom Clancy’s game, Ghost Recon, which came out in 2001, predicted this Russia vs Georgia scenario, and the fictional date in the future when it takes place?
August 2008!……..Now why can Tom Clancy just write a book or invent a game where the terrorist turn themselves in 2009?
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Aug 11, 2008 11:14 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
After this you just have to ask yourself, why the hell didn’t we schedule France instead?
And in the wise words of Bud Taylor…Tech sucks
by 7-5 on Aug 11, 2008 11:15 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Eleventy bajillion cocktails for this!
You know, I’m not sure who I’d root for in that game. I mean, yeah, Bulldogs are Americans, and the Russians are dirty Commie swine. But IT’S GEORGIA… I’m going to have to think about this.
To hell with Georgia and Russia!
by Matt on Aug 11, 2008 11:15 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I was wondering who’d write this story. Well done. Mark May’s analysis was spot-on.
by Biggus Rickus on Aug 11, 2008 11:16 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Comrade Swindle,
In my country, you lose to mother Russia,
you end up harvesting snowflakes in SIBERIA.
Dah.
Georgia, Russia make you their little babushka.
by Mr. Pelican Pants on Aug 11, 2008 11:21 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
If only the UGA had concentrated more on asymetrical warfare instead of Cover 2.
It also begs the question of whether the off-season problems and looking toward the cocktail party, led Georgia to look past Russian Military.
by crane on Aug 11, 2008 11:25 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I am sure that Herbstreet and May would still predict a 20 point USC victory over the Russians because of the “reds” one dimensional attack.
by meatybob on Aug 11, 2008 11:28 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
This is all that treasonous asshole Jimmy Carter’s fault. He smuggled and leaked the Georgia battle plans to the Russkies.
by yoyofutbawl on Aug 11, 2008 11:28 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I’ve heard that Saban is currently meeting with Stabler and Namath to form a unified front if Russia tries to schedule the Tide. There’s also been talk of a resurrection of “the Great One” to counter the offensive.
by Sean on Aug 11, 2008 11:29 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Just wait until we score our first touchdown — Richt is going to send the entire team right into Red fucking Square to dance around and celebrate. THEN we’ll see who plays better defense.
by Doug on Aug 11, 2008 11:33 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Has the Alabama plane been tracked heading to Moscow yet? I’m pretty sure Medvedev and Putin would not tolerate a loss to Lousiana-Monroe.
by Chips O'Toole on Aug 11, 2008 11:39 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
- Doug
I thought that was the reason for the invasion in the first place…
by dudis41 on Aug 11, 2008 11:42 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Just remember Tebow, in Soviet Union, you don’t read the sam linebacker, sam linebacker reads you.
Also, in Soviet Union, you do not circumcize the filipino kids, filipino kids circumcize you.
by MaconDawg on Aug 11, 2008 11:44 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Two things:
1. Brent Musberger thinks that Russia will have a problem dealing with James Laurinitis. Also, his dad might have been a wrestler or something.
2. I would love to hear a Lou Holtz pep talk for Russia.
by scalz1 on Aug 11, 2008 11:50 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
My love for you is ticking clock, Ber-serker.
Would you like to making faulk, Ber-serker.
Did he say making faulk?
by Ltrain on Aug 11, 2008 12:07 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Clancy also presages the use of airlines as terrorist weapons in Debt of Honor. I believe it was written in 93 or 94.
by moochy on Aug 11, 2008 12:08 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
This will be the first time that idiot Mark May has been correct concerning the Dawgs. What is his problem?
O, where did you get a photo of the fire station at Five Points?
by hunglikehussein on Aug 11, 2008 12:14 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Sheer brilliance, comrade Orson!
“neutralized the their offensive front” confuses me though
by Iosef Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili on Aug 11, 2008 12:15 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Herbstreit said the Russian fans were overserved…on vodka.
by Will (the other one) on Aug 11, 2008 12:28 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
#17, scoring points early in Russia means nothing. Once you are in the game and it becomes long and nasty those weather conditions will kill you.
by Anonymous IV on Aug 11, 2008 12:30 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
That’s what Georgia gets for playing its first game against South Ossetia.
Further proof that scheduling directional schools only serves to bite you in the end.
by Expat Ohioan on Aug 11, 2008 12:33 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
To the history buffs out there: Wasn’t Stalin of Georgian decent?
I can’t remember and wikipedia can’t be trusted
by Ryno on Aug 11, 2008 12:36 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I see Lou Holtz wearing one of those pointy hats that the kaisers used to wear in said bunker. Or dressed like a character from Gilbert & Sullivan’s “H.M.S. Pinafore”.
by Emotional Fescue on Aug 11, 2008 12:36 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Colt Brennan has no comment on this story.
by spartymike on Aug 11, 2008 12:39 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Holy shit, this almost got me fired. I was kind of smiling along as I read it, then I hit Lou Holtz’s piece and cracked up with my boss walking behind me. I hope I disguised it as coughing well enough to allay suspicion.
by Mike on Aug 11, 2008 12:45 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Was Stalin of Georgian descent?
He was from Georgia, but word on the street is that he was ethnically S. Ossettian.
Talking to Soviet era Russian about Stalin always reminded me of conversations with Woody Hayes era buckeye fans. Or Bobby Knight/Indiana fans.
- Comrade Dzhugashvili probably knows better.
by D. Tensor on Aug 11, 2008 1:09 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Wait tll November 1st, then they will be completely dismantled by the aerial bombs of Teabow and company! No ones dances in our endzone!
by Charles on Aug 11, 2008 1:21 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
If LSU freek had superimposed a clip of Knowshon doing the Soulja Boy in front of the tank my life would have been complete.
by Dawg 05 on Aug 11, 2008 1:33 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Actually, Chuck, Georgia did dance in your endzone. Poorly, yes, but dance it was – and it apparently will not go unforgotten. It was a big deal!
I had my suspicions that Knowshon is not the equal of Herschel. You see, if Herschel was in that photo he would be running at the tank. Now, a year ago I would have said this is because HW is the Greatest College Football Player of His Era™, but now I think it’s probably because his inner-kamakazi took over.
by Gen. Stoopnagle on Aug 11, 2008 1:33 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I have always known that Al Ford was a communist and it was his crappy officiating that cost the Dawgs the games…..
by Statesboro Dawg on Aug 11, 2008 1:36 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
News Flash:
Vladimer Putin was just seen in a “spoils of war” Chic-fil-A located outside of Bogart, Ga.
Future plans are to invade Kentukistan and defeat “The Colonel.”
by hunglikehussein on Aug 11, 2008 1:42 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
It’s also a little know fact that Ty Willingham’s brother has been in charge of military recruitment in Gerogia for the last three years.
by Expat Ohioan on Aug 11, 2008 2:16 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Sneaky Russkie bastards caught us between Uga’s!
by NRBQ on Aug 11, 2008 2:32 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
General Kaspirov: Who is this evil Richt from Oooh-Gah?
Evil Richt: It’s Uggg—Uhhh. Uggg-Uhhhh!
General Kaspirov: No, it Ooooohhh-Gah, as in Bel-U-Ga.
General Kaspirov: We have ways of making you pronounce UGA, comrade.
by Palouse on Aug 11, 2008 3:51 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Holtz quote should read, “…THE THPANITH HAVE ARRIVED”
by Trippe on Aug 11, 2008 4:10 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
the pic alone is hilarious. good stuff!
by DawgInFla on Aug 11, 2008 4:19 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Kinda reminds me of a moment back in ’89, when Bush 41 sent troops into Panama City, and the office of Georgia S.S.R. Politburo member Sam Nunn got a call from a woman asking if it was safe to go to Destin.
by donkeydawg on Aug 11, 2008 4:24 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
#31, #37 – Yes he was, but he turned his back on that when he took power. Georgia had split off after the revolution and Stalin was the one that sent the red army in to crush the independent republic that had formed. He also worked to eradicate their native culture in favor of the mainline russian culture that was built in to soviet rule, which was true of all the lands united into the usssr actually.
Whether or not he ever renounced his past I couldn’t say… I remember a good bit of my history, but not that much.
by Iosef Vissarionovich Dzhugashvili on Aug 11, 2008 4:36 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
The Russians used their superior intelligence gathering and targeted known UGA marshalling areas. With lightning efficiency, Russian spetnatz forces destroyed The Varsity and the Clarke County Jail, thereby nullifying any hope of a Bulldog rally.
by EaglePecker on Aug 11, 2008 8:28 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
The Russians obviously didn’t realize that Georgia had a freshman named Rambo on the roster.
Russian Commander: Who do you think this man is? God?
Col. Trautman: No, God would have mercy. He won’t.
by Columbus Dawg on Aug 11, 2008 9:11 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
I can’t find Stalin on my roster, is he from Ocilla?
by 80dawg on Aug 11, 2008 9:48 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Trinton Sturdivant didn’t see that Russian sniper in the corner of the stadium today that took out his knee. Damn!
by Meg on Aug 11, 2008 9:58 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
- — Nah, France would have been a no-win scenario. If you beat ‘em, everybody says, “Big deal; you and every other two-bit rabble with a tank, a Mauser, or a really big stick and testicles.” And god forbid you lose to them, then you’ll NEVER hear the end of it. Of course, they’d love you in Ann Arbor for knocking them off the “laughingstock” perch.
Besides, ever since Napoleon retired after the embarassing loss @ THE Coalition, the “Fleeing Frogs” have been murder on a team’s SoS. Just look what they did to Germany’s championship hopes . . . twice.
by Joey on Aug 11, 2008 10:39 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
So, We are invaded from the North again. Wasn’t burning Atlanta enough for you Yankee bastards? Now You have to mess with Knowshon? Well enough is enough! I am coming for You and You had damn well better give back My Great Grandma’s spoons!
by shanensga on Aug 12, 2008 8:54 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Penn Wagers was recently seen running a gulag in Northern Siberia (or Eastern South Carolina…same difference)….then all of a sudden he’s in Moscow refereeing? Somethin’ ain’t right in Red Land folks cause i’m pretty sure that Rashad Jones late hit on a tank was incidental contact….at least for the tank.
by FerrolDawg on Aug 12, 2008 2:42 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
Nuts!
And – not peaanuts.
This all Jimmy Carter’s fault. The Ruskies found out he lives in Georgia and knew what a spineless bed-wetting wimp he has been his whole life.
They wouldn’t have stood a chance in Athens where 90,000 well-lubed Bulldog fans lined up single file for one-on-one rasslin matches with with a sober LSU bengal in a cage.
The mother f—-ing commies dared not to cross into the USA State of Georgia.
If the Russians were scared of Pittsburgh Steelers fans during the Cold War, they’ve never seen the Ft. Benning Rangers go through every enemy the USA faced for the last century. Talk about hot knives cutting through butter……………. the butter and the Ruskies will get whipped.
Tanks? Bring em on! Bring more of em on! We’ll send up just one stealth fighter from Dobbins AFB just outside of Atlanta and he’ll knock out every one sitting in a Red Army tin lizzy faster than you can say “Star Wars”.
As for the Georgia Bulldogs, I don’t care if they win one – or 21 games. The Russians can go straight to Hell!
by Ron Boggs on Aug 12, 2008 3:44 PM EDT reply actions 0 recs
This bothered me until we got revenge in the Olympics. Georgia 3, Russia 2…in beach volleyball.
by hometeamdawg on Aug 13, 2008 8:04 AM EDT reply actions 0 recs
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