COUNTDOWN: 17
“If you are out of trouble, watch for danger.”
August 11, 2008
UCLA QUARTERBACK INJURIES: AN UNSETTLING COMPENDIUM
Far, far be it from us to mock injuries to college athletes, particularly those sustained by Bruins quarterbacks, all of whom seem to have been born under the same Mr. Glass constellation. But after learning that Ben Olson has injured himself again, this time while backing away from the center, we did a little digging through the UCLA medical archives, and there’s significant evidence to merit assigning minders to all incoming signal-callers:
2007: Recently unsealed medical records indicate that Patrick Cowan’s knee problems were an aggravation of a previous injury sustained while reenacting the mattress surfing scene from Disney’s Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement:
1991: Tommy Maddox sits out the entirety of spring practice after overturning a campus vending machine in an attempt to procure an extra can of Fresca.
1988: Troy Aikman is rushed to the hospital after ingesting a packet of silica gel he found in his new cleats, misses week of practice leading up to USC but recovers in time to take the field.
1984: Steve Bono undergoes season-ending surgery to his left foot after becoming entangled in a mall escalator.
1983: Rick Neuheisel is held out of the Arizona State game following a “Sun-In incident.”
1972: Mark Harmon misses four games with a sprained face.
1966: Gary Beban slices off entire left hand opening a can of pears, is held out of Rose Bowl.
1961: Billy Kilmer misses the College All-Star Game after dislocating his shoulder while removing tags from a new mattress.
1943: Records from this time period are spotty, indicating only that Bob Waterfield did not play in the first two games of the season due to “freckles”.
In all seriousness, for rills: This does suck, we’re in no way looking forward to playing a UCLA team that’s at anything less than full strength, because where’s the fun, and we wish a speedy and actual recovery to Olson and the rest of the Pac-10 QB casualties.
“YOU BETTER BURN SOME A T. BOONE’S MONEY”
You’ve probably deleted this nugget off the hard drive in preparation for the terrabytes of asswhip you’ll have to remember for this season, but one of the more decisive and shocking asswhippings of 2007 erupted from the teeny burg of Troy, Alabama, where the preseason top 25 pick Oklahoma State finished their early season implosion and fall from the rankings with a 41-23 drubbing of the Cowboys.
Troy, the tiny candiru of the college football world–little! savage! will swim up your penis and cripple you in ways far disproportional to its size!–is dealing with the win like they’ve been there before, of course, dismissing any talk of this year’s rematch as a “revenge game” as “just another football game,” and that “it’s gonna be a tough matchup no matter how it goes.”
Shit. Quick edit: they’re not doing that at all. Apologies. Larry Blakeney, head coach of Troy, is doing the exact opposite of that.
“They might have a bonfire and burn some of T. Boone’s money to get ready for the game,” Blakeney said, referring to Boone Pickens.
HOOOOWEEE!!! J.R.’s not going to like that. Wind-powered robots are on the way to Larry Blakeney’s house at this instant to tear him limb from limb. Remember, Larry, the key to escaping them is to run perpendicular to the wind. Wind-powered robots hate it when you do that.
The robots are on their way. You have 32 minutes to live, weather permitting.
WE’RE ALLERGIC TO SOBRIETY AND HARD WORK. DOCTOR’S ORDERS.
This is undoubtedly the strangest career-ending football condition you could conceive of besides the physically impossible, like “pregnancy” or “vertigo of the testes.”
Ole Miss offensive lineman Kermit Tyler, a freshman from New Orleans, has been diagnosed with an allergic reaction to strenuous exercise.
Haha, go ahead and laugh, but Kermit is flat done for football thanks to what appears to be exercise-induced anaphylaxis, which is not one of those funny hee-hee allergies like the one your dad gets where his eyes swell shut, you knock him to the floor, and then steal his wallet and head to Biloxi as fast as Greyhound will take you. Nooo, this is the unfun chokey kind that could, in theory, kill someone.
Houston Nutt will honor the scholarship because he’s not evil. Bravo for him.
Is there a fun note in all this? Certainly. Exercise induced anaphylaxis is listed on about.com on the same page with “itchy pants syndrome,” which you didn’t know you had, but suspected after that last trip to Ibiza and its unfortunate, antibiotic-consuming aftermath.
BTW: This is your first result for “exercise allergy” on image search. (SFW) Norman Rockwell’s idea of a doctor was sick, sir, simply sick.
WELCOME TO TASTE PURGATORY. YOU’RE IN.
Don’t watch this whole thing, but like a particularly fishy drink at a particularly fishy bar, please dip your finger in it, taste the GHB, and then cease consumption.
OPS found this, and he has his own endorsement of its daring. We’d like to offer a dissenting opinion on this and suggest that setting Creed’s “Arms Wide Open” to the breath-seizing grace of one of the greatest football players of all time in motion is comparable to:
—”Hey, that Van Gogh you have? I improved it by adding my initials to it using a barbecue scraper and my own feces.”
—”You know what would make this romantic evening of breathtaking lovemaking perfect? DUTCH OVEN!”
—”You know what would go with that grey suit and those killer Ferragamos, baby? Your monthly battle panties worn on the outside of your skirt.”
—”I love your script, but I’ve built in a little part for my close personal friend, David Caruso.”
GEORGIA BEGINS SEASON WITH HUMILIATING LOSS
Georgia began their campaign for a national title in college football with a disheartening loss to the nation of Russia over the weekend, according to international observers and correspondents on the ground.
Using a powerful ground game and a dominating aerial assault, the Russians broke through the vaunted Georgia line “with the ease of a hot knife through butter,” according to Major General Vassily Pretsky at a press conference in Moscow on Sunday night.
“We have neutralized the their offensive front with tanks and missiles, and eliminated any threat through the air with a concentrated assault on their defenses. There was little challenge in the matter for us.”
“Surrender, Bulldogs of Georgia, before we run out of the mercy we have displayed thus far.”
Coach Mark Richt was evac’d to a waiting mobile hospital in Landstuhl, Germany, and is listed in stable condition with multiple bullet wounds. Quarterback Matthew Stafford, and running back Knowshon Moreno are currently listed as “DL, Missing in Action.” Defensive tackle Jeff Owens is listed as “knee, missile; 3-4 weeks.”
Linebacker Rennie Curran alone was reachable by text message, and described his situation as “Bad, but I’m from Liberia, so it’s all relative. Holding steady near Viliskinsk, send Muscle Milk, Ripped Fuel, and protein bars. Good on ammo.”
The game was a rout from the beginning. (more…)
CURIOUS INDEX, 8/11/2008
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Final Destination: Los Angeles qb edition. Something evil craves knee ligaments and the tender flesh of quarterbacks in Los Angeles, and it will not be stopped by your laughable red no-contact jerseys. Mark Sanchez dislocated his kneecap after allegedly doing a merry carioca shuffle during warm-ups, proving that Fred Astaire was more of an athletic badass than you know, and also knocking Mitch Mustain up to the likely starting spot at USC. (Houston Nutt thinks he has no potential as a starter, FYI.) Sanchez could be out for up to eight weeks. Meanwhile, UCLA’s Ben Olson broke his foot pulling back from center on a snap, leaving UCLA hedging between redshirt freshman Patrick Forcier and juco transfer Kevin Craft. Forcier can run, meaning he’ll start no one really likes to see humans chased by wild animals and ripped apart, and UCLA’s offensive line woes could translate into just such a scene for a less-than-fleet qb. (There is some way to blame this on Karl Dorrell. Scientists, to the lab!) Hunter Cantwell enjoys killing animals. Louisville quarterback Hunter Cantwell really enjoys killing frogs, a hobby that may sound unusual if you haven’t ever hung around rednecks, who really enjoy killing anything that moves and eating it after applying salt, pepper, and batter.
After his early pocket mishaps, Cantwell ended up skewering more than a dozen bullfrogs. Their rear legs were cut off with shears and placed in plastic bags with ice. Cantwell took a big bag home to his freezer and later emptied its contents in a frying pan. Reportedly, it tasted like chicken. “That’s a pretty good meal right there,” he said as he surveyed his bounty. We got this from Flubby, who said this wouldn’t dispel any stereotypes about the state of Kentucky. Au contraire: Hunter’s teeth are intact and sparkling, no one in the story is smoking cigarettes from their mouth and ears simultaneously, and the story does not contain a single horse race anywhere in it. (Thankfully, we might add; given the context, it would end with Cantwell frying up a generous slab of horse steak and announcing its similarity to his other favorite meat, venison.) Civilization marches forward: further proof. Chik-Fil-A becomes a sponsor of College Gameday. We cannot wait to see Chris Fowler turn his nose up at the fatty fattening fat delicious goodness of a nugget platter being passed around the desk only to watch Corso and Herbstreit maw down like starved yard dogs on the deliciousness. Holy Jebus Bikerface is Chik-Fil-A good. Matt Grothe knows this all too well. Being the man of inestimable tastes he is, of course USF qb Matt Grothe made deposits to S. Truett Cathy’s retirement fund. He made daily deposits, actually, resulting in Grothe–who already resembles Chet from Weird Science–rounding out into a nicely padded 220 pound value meal toward the end of last season. “I love Chick-fil-A,” Grothe said. “A No. 5, 12 piece nuggets, large combo with a sweet tea - it doesn’t get no better than that.” Grothe now only eats there once a week, and has shaved the “Gro-Hawk.” We don’t even know who you are anymore, sir. Good times, for a change. Whatever kept Sammie Stroughter off the field last year is done, and he’s back ripping off 60 yard TDs in practice for Oregon State. A guy with a name like that deserves any and all surplus rooting you care to heap his way. |
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