THE THEORY OF CHASE DANIEL

by Orson on Aug 7, 2008 12:23 PM EDT

Chase Daniel threw for 33 TDs last year, lead Missouri to its best finish of the Gary Pinkel era, and managed to fool the entirety of college football into thinking he was a humble 21 year old, and not the 37 year-old pizza deliveryman riding the most improbable streak of late-blooming athletic talent the world has ever seen since the rise (pun) of Shigeo Tokuda.

Not that anyone's lying here, but consider the carefully

An outstanding all-around athlete who is also a First-Team all-district pitcher/outfielder in baseball, and a member of his school's sprint relay team in track

What's missing form this statement? The tag words ...in 1989, of course. We are more than happy to believe Daniel is a stellar athlete, since that's apparent to anyone who's watched him drop the hammer on finely tuned throttle of the Mizzou offense. (Zero to forty points: four quarters. Standard road conditions and hopelessly waving Big 12 dbs apply.)

What we will not do is ignore the fact that Daniel looks, for lack of a more delicate word, a bit schlubby for a Big 12 qb. He's a Chris Leak-six footer with a bit of spare flub about the middle and the chinstrap beard of a Sunglass Hut romeo who specializes in picking up high school women. (OMG! He has a SPORTS CAR AND HIS OWN APARTMENT!!11!!!)

He looks (conservatively) five years older than his surrounding cast, and saying we don't think that every time he plays is like saying somewhere, deep in our dark soul, we don't want Nick Saban to skydive into Tiger Stadium for his own safety this season trailing a long plume of red and white smoke from a lit Crimson Tide-themed flare he's holding. We're fine with lying to ourselves, but to you? Never. We swear.

Daniel, living the dream as he is, is officially on our list of "People We Love" as an atypical-looking successful college qb along with Freddie Kitchens, Rohan "Skinny Wickets" Davey, and Jared Lorenzen. We're not alone in this: Daniel earned the cover of SI's Big 12 Edition, and they're of a similar mind on their theories surrounding Daniel's origins.

For the record, Daniel has gone to a goatee for 2008. When the chips are down, though, we know Daniel will go return to the chinstrap whether he likes it or not. Its magic is powerful and undeniable. Look for it to spontaneously reform itself from the goatee's hair when the Tigers need some comeback juju down by two TDs late to a conference rival.

(Oh, apologies! Chase Daniel looks like a killing machine! GRRR!! MUSCLES AND BEARDS!!!)

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Comments

’Gotta love a guy that looks like an average joe. No pretense.

Now, about that 74 year old porn star… Who would want to see the geriatric set having sex? I could have gone without ever visiting that link.

by blon57 on Aug 7, 2008 12:46 PM EDT reply actions

Bravo, Orson. +1

by haybeav on Aug 7, 2008 12:47 PM EDT reply actions

Look at it this way—if you’re 90, that’s some barely legal shit there.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Aug 7, 2008 12:49 PM EDT reply actions

If you’re 90 and still looking at porn, you are either 1) crazy or 2) in incredible health for your age. I mean, seriously, what 90 year old is going to pop viagra so he can look at 70 year tits? Hugh Hefner laughs at Japan while surrounded by naked 27 year old models and bottles of fine Scotch.

by carlinthemarlin on Aug 7, 2008 12:55 PM EDT reply actions

Well, if you keep working out at the gym, you can have income in your retirement years.

by blon57 on Aug 7, 2008 1:16 PM EDT reply actions

There needs to be a refresher of the old ‘People We Love’ post before the season starts. That was one of the best posts you ever did, Orson…

by DC Domer on Aug 7, 2008 1:58 PM EDT reply actions

Orson,

Thank you for 1) the term “Sunglass Hut Romeo” and 2) the image of Saban parachuting into Tiger Stadium.

by TIGERinATL on Aug 7, 2008 1:59 PM EDT reply actions

In truth, SunGlass hut Romeo shares a townhome with “Overly ripped, HGH using Footlocker Manager” and “Desperate to become a Sous Chef Cinnabon Glazer”

by Ryno on Aug 7, 2008 2:13 PM EDT reply actions

Go watch the tape of the second half of the Big XII title game last year and tell me you still like Chase. He is a whiny bitch and completely took his team out of the game when OU got in his head.

by Jayhox on Aug 7, 2008 3:22 PM EDT reply actions

#9: Jayhox? in MY EDSBS? It’s more likely than you think. See you tomorrow.

And…hey, there’s nothing wrong with the mighty chinstrap, as long as the wearer is fully aware that it makes him (or her, I suppose) look kind of silly. I myself am fully aware I look like a biker bar bouncer/ Limp Bizkit roadie with it, yet I do not care, because I do not have a tribal and/or barbed wire tattoo.

by PeteJayhawk on Aug 7, 2008 3:54 PM EDT reply actions

That fat toad still has nightmares of Curtis Lofton.

by texuxx on Aug 7, 2008 3:58 PM EDT reply actions

37 year old pizza delivery guy?! I was wondering what Taylor Negron was up to lately. That sneaky guy pretending to be a Big 12 quarterback. I guess it’s better than being a mailman, Chevy Chase’s snooty friend or a liquor store clerk.

by Dante on Aug 7, 2008 4:08 PM EDT reply actions

@12 — What about Exploded Kidnapper of Bruce Willis’s Daughter? Negron was a tour de force in that role.

by The Song of Hiawatha Francisco on Aug 7, 2008 4:24 PM EDT reply actions

Fat quarterbacks. Just one thing that the SEC does better. I’m lookin’ at you Jared Lorenzon. Because, seriously, how could anyone miss you?

by IvoryTower on Aug 7, 2008 5:45 PM EDT reply actions

“Sunglass Hut Romeo”? I like it. It’s kinda like “Six Flags good-lookin’” (for those who may not have a Six Flags nearby, picture almost any reasonably attractive coed in Gainesville — orange skin and yella hair, or vice versa, if she’s doing her part to bolster the “party school” rep).

by NCT on Aug 7, 2008 8:55 PM EDT reply actions