TOWEL REDACTED

by Orson on Aug 5, 2008 11:04 AM EDT

Gotta make time to get time. We're big on that here at Illinoize. Players do homework while they lift weights, brush their teeth while waterskiing, and do Kegels when they're in class. [NAME REDACTED]'s doing 'em right now. Feels great.

Gotta multitask. Gotta do squats and study at the same time. Watch this.

BLOCK!! What's the biggest challenge in theorizing political science?

Eric Block, Illini OL and Poli Sci Major: (grunting 600 pound squat) Grr...the...inabilty to...predict or model...outcomes of multivariate...AAHAIIIIIGGHGHH...situations....

[drops weight, collapses holding back in ominous way, twitches.]

[REDACTED]: Wrong! HA! Don't even know if he is. Walk it off, Block! Likin' the effort.

Wantin' the fans to wave towels. Wantin' 'em to get excited. Wantin' 'em to multi-task. People get excited about things. 'Scuse me.

[Tackles copy machine, rips it in half and drinks ink cartridge.]

WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

See? Excited. People get excited 'bout a lotta things. Football. Family. Arson. Lotsa things. What's better than football? Glad I asked. Football...and towels. And football towels.

[REDACTED'S] got it goin' on. The [REDACTED ZONE]'s like a big spirit helicopter. First it lifts you. Then the whole stadium takes off. We're floatin'. Recruits love it. Big floatin' stadium. Unless the fans stop spinnin' the towels. Then we fall. Maybe die.

LIIIIIIIIIIIIFT!!!! [push jerks a 350 pound mahogany desk over his head twelve times, spilling post-its and energy drink cans in wild maelstrom from it in the process.]

Gotta take some chances in life, though. Gotta go for two at one point in the game where it makes no sense to go for two. Gotta rugby punt. Gotta shake things up. Gotta keep the opposition on their toes. Gotta beat Ohio State and lose to Northwestern. Gotta have a gas fight with total strangers at a gas station and dare someone to light a match once in a while.

(Yup. The gas fight. So many flames. So much screaming. Didn't even see it coming. Five dead in Joliet. Likin' it. So did the recruits. "Nico Bellic, man!" Whoever that is.)

COMPEEEEEEEEEEETE!!!! [passes out from lack of food or water, as he has forgotten to ingest either for three days straight.]

(HT: RL)

PS. No idea what this is about. Illegal licensure. Wrong name. Not gettin' it.

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Comments

An OL named “Block”?
Seriously?

If he played for ND he’d be named “Sack”.

by GamecockTony on Aug 5, 2008 11:18 AM EDT reply actions

That two point conversion…I hadn’t thought of that for at least six months. Now I remember why I drank so heavily between 2002-2004!

Hate has no expiration date.

by Pinto on Aug 5, 2008 11:19 AM EDT reply actions

Between the [REDACTED] zone towels and the key plays at Michigan, I don’t know how they’ll handle all that excitement.

by Brian O'Blivion on Aug 5, 2008 11:48 AM EDT reply actions

[REDACTED] towels not approved for any marine towing whatsoever.

by brougham on Aug 5, 2008 11:49 AM EDT reply actions

The Illinois rally towel! Perfect for wiping your fingerprints off the steering wheel when you drive blind-ass drunk from a bar in Urbana into a tree, then abandon the car, leaving your teammate for dead inside!

by Papa Lou BSU on Aug 5, 2008 12:05 PM EDT reply actions

The sweat rag, held aloft and gyrated, is truly the lowest common denominator of ways to express support for your alma mater. Even the lowly air horn, while crude, has some utility in its potential to distract an opponent from performing at an optimum level. This vulgar practice likely originated in western Kentucky, and has since spilled across the border into Illinois and migrated north. It is only a matter of time before Madison and South Bend, too, are infected. Sound the alarm!

by Lawboy on Aug 5, 2008 12:16 PM EDT reply actions