You might be happy telling the world to sod off in the world’s first train designed for misanthropes (present!,) but even then there’s no excuse getting the distanced quasi-human contact you crave by listening to EDSBS Live tonight. Our special guest will be TOTAL SELLOUT Matt Hinton, a.k.a. Sunday Morning Quarterback, who may be known by his Christian name now that he will be writing for Yahoo.com as their college football blogger. Hopefully we’ll have his standard intro ready and cued up.

Topics will include college football, college football, college football, college football, college football, college football, college football, college football,webcam spy hacker college football, college football, college football, college football, college football, college football, college football, college football, college football, college football, and college football.

What? We’re not selling subliminal ads on EDSBS? Now run along, we’ll see you at 9:00 EST.

TO: The administration at the University of Notre Dame.

CC: Chicago Tribune, The Big Lead, Defamer

RE: Jimmy Clausen

We believe we have found photos far more incirminating than those that led to your justified investigation of the shameful behavior of Jimmy HUSEIN Clausen. Please forward this to all your friends and family. Let them judge for themselves if this is what you want representing our country at quarterback. All of them can be found with the google and are REAL.

(more…)

Rich Brooks thinks you’re bullshit. And Curtis Pulley? He’s bullshit, too. That’s fine. All this bullshit saves him some bullshit time later on figuring out which quarterback to play so he can get other bullshit out of the way.

(Sighs.) Bullshit. All is bullshit. I’m Ecclesiastes now. Who, for the record, was bullshit, too.

Don’t even get Rich Brooks started on team photos, you cringing little milksop.

Every now and then Notre Dame’s administration does something so absolutely bitchwhittled it boggles the mind and forces us to do things like make up completely fake words like “bitchwhittled” to capture just how stupid, misguided, and heavy-handed said thing is.

This? Astonishingly bitchwhittled. The litmus test for something being bitchwhittled is imagining Betty White, and then imagining Betty White seeing the event/affair/concept in question, and then imagining if she would discharge bullets into said thing.

For the record, Betty White thinks this thing is utterly bitchwhittled.

Big ups to fate for making us defend something a Clausen didn’t even clearly do, though it’s probably a good guess he’s drinking beer there, which underage college students do frequently. Though, it should be noted, they usually don’t have a special garment for beer drinking, though that is kind of a cool idea. “Beersworthy! Fetch me my drinking jacket!”

(HT: Deadspin, which is kind of like shouting out the water company for your last glass of H2O, but there we are.)

Somali 1975 Barry Switzer thinks you’ve gone soft, son.

We sometimes think of the Big 12 as the sister conference to the SEC, and for a number of very good reasons. They, too, care a lot about football, sometimes to the point of ripping each others testicles off. Their constituency, like SEC fans, often exhibit social behaviors that cost them teeth, houses, sobriety, and most painfully, their cable television. (Read: both trashy.) And most importantly, they’re the only conference that can actually (in a vestigial fashion, at least) trump the academic skullduggery of SEC schools.

(Also, Big 12 fans lack teeth in numbers almost comparable to SEC fans, and are second in terms of college football fans and their frequency being seen on television running shirtless down dirt roads with a police spotlight on them. They’re first in being interviewed after tornadoes, but lag in being interviewed after tornadoes while shirtless.)

Yet, there are some differences at the root of things between the conferences. Like, say, the issuance of apologies between schools in the short matter of a few years over past conflicts. Oklahoma is holding a ceremony this year to commemorate the “Game of the Century” in 1971, which if you watch on ESPN Classic is actually one of the few vintage games that will grab a modern viewer by the shorthairs and force you to watch it. (It looks like the Ragnarok of football games, a hard-pounding contest under grave, apocalyptic skies between two teams hitting each other very, very hard.)

The Game of this Century in question: the 30-3 dishumiliarrassment of Nebraska by Oklahoma, the same one where Bill “Fucking hillbillies” earned his nickname buy calling Oklahoma fans “fucking hillbillies.” This created “bad blood” between teams, which for some reason is…a problem?

Just look at the intro, for Switzer’s sake:

The last time Nebraska played at Owen Field, atypical bad blood spoiled the night.

Bad blood is…atypical? Do not…grok. As an SEC fan, we consider wanting opposing kickers to be thrown head first into whirling helicopter blades to be a mere start on enmity, not a problem to be corrected. We also think your books on dinosaurs are charming, as they clearly fall for the tricks Satan has played on you and your “scientists.” (Kansas, you’re feeling us here. We know it. You’re like Cobb County with corn and half as many people, baby.)

Gotta make time to get time. We’re big on that here at Illinoize. Players do homework while they lift weights, brush their teeth while waterskiing, and do Kegels when they’re in class. [NAME REDACTED]’s doing ‘em right now. Feels great.

Gotta multitask. Gotta do squats and study at the same time. Watch this.

BLOCK!! What’s the biggest challenge in theorizing political science?

Eric Block, Illini OL and Poli Sci Major: (grunting 600 pound squat) Grr…the…inabilty to…predict or model…outcomes of multivariate…AAHAIIIIIGGHGHH…situations….

[drops weight, collapses holding back in ominous way, twitches.]

[REDACTED]: Wrong! HA! Don’t even know if he is. Walk it off, Block! Likin’ the effort.

Wantin’ the fans to wave towels. Wantin’ ‘em to get excited. Wantin’ ‘em to multi-task. People get excited about things. ‘Scuse me.

[Tackles copy machine, rips it in half and drinks ink cartridge.]

WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNN!!!!!!!

See? Excited. People get excited ’bout a lotta things. Football. Family. Arson. Lotsa things. What’s better than football? Glad I asked. Football…and towels. And football towels.

[REDACTED'S] got it goin’ on. The [REDACTED ZONE]’s like a big spirit helicopter. First it lifts you. Then the whole stadium takes off. We’re floatin’. Recruits love it. Big floatin’ stadium. Unless the fans stop spinnin’ the towels. Then we fall. Maybe die.

LIIIIIIIIIIIIFT!!!! [push jerks a 350 pound mahogany desk over his head twelve times, spilling post-its and energy drink cans in wild maelstrom from it in the process.]

Gotta take some chances in life, though. Gotta go for two at one point in the game where it makes no sense to go for two. Gotta rugby punt. Gotta shake things up. Gotta keep the opposition on their toes. Gotta beat Ohio State and lose to Northwestern. Gotta have a gas fight with total strangers at a gas station and dare someone to light a match once in a while.

(Yup. The gas fight. So many flames. So much screaming. Didn’t even see it coming. Five dead in Joliet. Likin’ it. So did the recruits. “Nico Bellic, man!” Whoever that is.)

COMPEEEEEEEEEEETE!!!! [passes out from lack of food or water, as he has forgotten to ingest either for three days straight.]

(HT: RL)

PS. No idea what this is about. Illegal licensure. Wrong name. Not gettin’ it.