“’Tis the maddest trick a man can ever play in his whole life, to let his breath sneak out of his body without any more ado, and without so much as a rap o’er the pate, or a kick of the guts; to go out like the snuff of a farthing candle, and die merely of the mulligrubs, or the sullens.”
An item in Monday’s Curious Index reported that snack-sized LSU sprinter Trindon Holliday has been clocked in the school’s by school scientists running a sub-4.0 40 in full pads and cleats. We neglected to fully source the circumstances of this athletic feat, and have since learned that Holliday may have accomplished this time with what the biology department is calling “gravitational assistance.”
We regret the error.
On Wednesday, we reported that Mullah Ibn-Al Ali Qutewa of Pakistan, a radical Muslim cleric currently believed to be residing somewhere in the Hunza valley according to the CIA, had pronounced a fatwa and called for the death of Texas Tech head football coach Mike Leach. This was an error in translation, as “dirka dirka jihad football coach” actually translates to “Wipeout host John Henson, who according to Qutewa “is no Vic Fucking Romano or Kenny Blankenship, and will never be, you revisionist infidel assholes.”
Leach has since spoken to Qutewa, and will take an ultralight to visit the fugitive cleric in the pre-bowl season break, inshallah. Henson, meanwhile, is “safely ensconced inside an elaborate obstacle course,” according to ABC officials.
We regret the error.
Monday’s biographical profile of USC head coach Pete Carroll (more…)
A powerful high-caliber recruit who shot into the starting lineup as a left guard on the 2006 national title team, Ronnie Wilson will be reinstated at Florida as a walk-on on the defensive tackle position*.
Wilson, who spent over a year away from the team following an incident where the lineman discharged an AK-47 in a downtown Gainesville parking lot**, aims to help the Gators reload on the defensive line. The d-line will need significant firepower this season to assist a secondary still reeling from being shot to pieces by opposing quarterbacks in 2007. Wilson, a 6′4″, 310 pound former starting guard, could provide some substantial fire along the line, though there is a firefight of competition surrounding the spot.*** He’ll have to acquire all the skills d-lineman need: looking down the barrel of an onrushing offensive lineman, shooting the gap, and strafing through blocks in rapid-fire fashion to bring down his target.
Given the current state of Florida’s defensive line, we predict Wilson will rise with a bullet to the top of the depth chart!**** Go Gators!*****
*Really? Reeeeeeeeally? Agog. Agape. Not with surprise, but with disgust, since we sort of expected him to be back on the team in November of 2007. By that standard, we should be happy, if that “standard” didn’t mean “bitter sarcasm,” and it does.
**Fucking around and just discharging a weapon? We could live with that. We could, really. Everyone has a gun in Florida. Alligators have guns. Possums do, too, though really they mostly prefer poisoning their rivals, which explains why you see them lying around half-dead all the time. It’s kind of a passion of theirs.
But discharging a machine gun because you feel threatened, or even just carrying one around in your trunk? That’s a behavioral dealbreaker, or rephrased: should have been a behavioral dealbreaker.
***Because vaunted frosh Omar Hunter allegedly already hurt his back weightlifting. The noise you hear is us punting the nearest puppy into a bug zapper. No, we don’t feel better after that.
****Purchase smoke machines and military fatigues immediately. We’re da U now, and will have to live with it. Jacked Jesus on a pogo stick; having a cyborg as your coach has its drawbacks, but this is the greatest one by far. Well, that and his plan to exterminate the human race one fleshy weakling at a time. That’s a potentially inconvenient bit, too.
*****Only possible upside: Ronnie Wilson can wear 47 if Brandon Antwine’s willing to switch jerseys.
How magnificently skewed is the American South? We even have black dudes named “Cooter.” Who, ironically enough, hails from Mocksville, North Carolina. He joins other collegiate athletes from the pantheon of appropriately paired name/hometown combos like Phartric Windley of Gas Hollow, Kentucky and Dick Handler of Stainsheet, Mississippi.
You’ll never believe this, but this is the cleanest image Google has on page one that isn’t a woman’s vagina or Ben Jones for the search term “Cooter.”
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New Verbiage: Cat Lassie Syndrome. For the upcoming season, we present new terminology for understanding and describing your team’s position. For example: what happens when your coach sees your team crushed under a tree, and obviously in need of help, and yet does nothing? Obviously, you are suffering from Cat Lassie Syndrome. We’re looking at you, Greg Robinson. We made an unfair comment, and apologize, which probably means it’s true. Pat White apologizes for suggesting that the baseball coach at West Virginia was a racist. This means we instantly suspects the comment is true, fair, and accurate, and thus required immediate correction and apology. Nat Lite? Who says we pay players. Maurkice Pouncey, Florida lineman, proves that at least one college player isn’t getting paid under the table, since only the most uncivilized donkey would, with a decent beer allowance, opt to ingest the carcinogenic swillpiss that is Natty Lite. According to the traffic ticket, Pouncey, who started at guard as a true freshman and recently turned 19, had in his possession an opened can of Natural Lite beer when the vehicle he was traveling in was pulled over for driving without a tag light. Even qualifying Natural Lite as alcohol is a bit of a stretch, though if the ticket were issued for “open container of barely-ingestable pre-urine,” we would approve. One point goes to Florida in the Fulmer Cup, who needs to up the supplementals to bump the players up to Coors Light at the least. Now let us praise the WWL. Our latest Sporting News column’s latest affront to logic and grammar is a comparison of Lee Corso to a bear with vertigo. Enjoy? Urban Meyer called the punishment “harsh.” Alabama’s Prince Hall will serve a three game suspension beginning with Alabama’s game against Clemson. This affront to a titan of black freemasonry will not be tolerated. |
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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