Teams: there are a lot of them. Consider Southern Miss, here previewed by Matt Hinton, a.k.a. SMQ, who we’re gonna go ahead and run while he’s still free content. Enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

In studies, workers in offices painted blue complained the room was too cold; when the same room was painted a warm peach, even though the temperature was the same, they tended to start removing jackets and sweaters.

Did someone say…blue?

Apologies–we couldn’t help ourselves. Good luck getting that out of your head. We recommend a claw hammer for the job.

For some USM partisans, blue — that is, the conservative, consistent, running-and-defense pastiche of the Jeff Bower era — was just fine. (more…)

Courtesy of last night’s Colbert Report: Genghis Juan McCain.

Happy Mustache Wednesday, motherfuckers!

For full video of the segment–where mustache-wearing is ascribed to getting babes, wealth, and having the power to melt clocks.

(more…)

Really?

Kendall Washington, redshirt freshman, puts West Virginia in a tie for the Fulmer Cup.

CANTON The man told police the masked robber came to his bedroom as he slept, demanded money and jewelry, then shot him twice.

The victim couldn’t see the gunman’s face, but city police have charged former St. Thomas Aquinas High School football star Kendall M. Washington with aggravated robbery and felonious assault. A grand jury now will take a look at the evidence to see if he should stand trial.

Blanket allegedlys all around, but: breaking into someone’s house, stealing things at gunpoint, and then shooting someone in the head in front of their five year-old means large, large points no matter what the charges. Currently, as it stands, Washington’s charged with aggravated burglary and felonious assault. Under FC rules as they stand:

Grand Larceny: 4 points. We use this as a catchall for players being involved in crime so outrageous and well-planned it can only be described as ‘nefarious,’ ‘professional,’ or ‘legislation.’ Applies to large drug rings, chop shop operations, and the Haitian human trafficking ring that’s been run out of the Miami locker room since ‘93. (We kid! They didn’t get that thing humming ’til ‘95 at the earliest.)

Assault doesn’t seem to cover this; nor does generic burglary charges. Therefore, we award four points for each charge, and a bonus point for, well, HOLY HELL IN FRONT OF A FIVE-YEAR OLD CHILD? That’s Killing Joke Joker territory, there.

The total comes to nine points total, a sum which places in WVU in a tie for the lead in the Fulmer Cup. That’s not score manipulation to tie things up and make some excitement in the idle days of late July; if anything, that’s some circumspect scoring for a crime of astonishingly random, nasty cruelty.

Computer slightly possessed this a.m.

EDSBS Live returns tonight, and it’s gonna be strong, son. How strong? Rylan Reed of Texas Tech strong.

625 pounds of bench press later, and that would be this show just getting warmed up, asshole. Our guest will be Matt Hayes of the Sporting News, who we once called “a dick” in the spaces of this site. He’ll be talking about all kinds of things college football-related, including his recent visits to West Virginia, SEC Media Days, and about the joy of calling a jackass blogger “a colleague.”

Join us here at 9:00 p.m. Who needs four questions when you’re thirty days away from college football. Waku waku time needs no structure.

Get it? Because it’s pork! The Congressional Bowl is coming, even if you didn’t want it to.

One time, I was trying to fix the HVAC in my house. I like to fix things because my father liked to fix things. One time he fixed a sick goat by throwing it off the roof of the house during an electrical storm. It hit the ground and stopped moving.

Fixed. Giggity.

I asked my father if the goat was “fixed,” and he said, “Son, ain’t nothing in this world that can fix a cantankerous goat or a laudanum-sippin’ woman. Except by violently throwing them off the roof.” That’s why I like to fix things.

[stares, attempts to spellbind audience.]

6.022 × 10 to the 23rd power. That’s Avocado’s Number.

[empty stares]

GIGGITY! (more…)

This week’s extremely lively Fulmer Cupdate is brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson and just as fast with the returns for scores. Clarifications, corrections, and gross errors follow.

Arkansas bumps up four for their DUI charge for Marques Wade this weekend, a reminder that if you are going to drive drunk, be sure not to break serveral standing rules on top of the basic law you’re already breaking, e.g. being tanked, underage, and almost hitting a cop. It’s one thing to rob a bank; it’s another to do it while double-parked and driving on expired tags while smoking indoors, sir.

Oregon picks up two points for linebacker Kevin Garrett’s DUI this past weekend. “There was resistance,” said a local policeman regarding the arrest, but after the B-52s were called in and little bit of cleanup work followed from the Predator drones, Garrett simmered down and went along with it. imagine, recruit: your personalized comic book could include a testy DUI!

Mizzou receives a correction for one point left off of their tally for Jeremy Burge leaving the scene of an accident after hitting a mailbox. Don’t ever, ever cross the USPS. They will find you, son. They will. And when they do…you will wait in line as one cashier works and three others fiddle with their autoscales. Welcome to hell, Jeremy Burge. You should think about this next time you try to run over an innocent mailbox.

Kentucky picks up one point for their third-string qb getting into a fight outside of a Lexington restaurant. Following the arrest of qb Curtis Pulley this past weekend, Kentucky’s only recent arrest-free qb, Brian Mike Hartline, got baked, put in an old copy of Interstella 5555 and ate an entire quart of ice cream just because he could. I’m not in jail, right? Captain Starter’s having a little in-house oven action, okay? Ssshhhhhh. This is my favorite part. The part with the guitar ship. YEahhhh NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

South Carolina has one point go up in smoke due to the dismissal of simple marijuana possession charges against Dion Lecorn. What do you mean, ‘Where’s the weed?’ (Cough cough cough cough…)

This is Alabama’s to lose. Mizzou and West Virginia are both right there, but Jimmy Johns, touted as a championship-caliber player coming into Bama, may have proved to be just that–albeit, in ways they never could have expected.

Double dipping from the same post here, but something else from the Dave Matter’s Mizzou football blog stuck in our mental craw this morning:

Speaking of Pelini, I’m not the first person to point this out, but I can’t look at him without thinking of the actor Tim Blake Nelson. I’d pay money to hear Pelini lean into a microphone and say, “We thought you was a toad!”

If Tim Blake Nelson spent his free hours pounding face with kneecap in the Octagon, then yes, certainly, there’s a similarity. To be truly scientific, though, there’s only one way to test these things: in a lab. Paging Dr. Freek; you’re needed in the semiotics wing. (For added verisimilitude, play the embedded mp3 below it while watching.)

MP3 File

L’il Red, btw, is going to be the site equivalent of Pedobear or the Bear in Harvey Birdman this year: he’s going to pop up wherever he damn likes, thank you very much. Just consider yourself warned, since his gaze and spastic walk will haunt your sleepless nights whether you like it or not.