VISITING LECTURER: NORTH CAROLINA
Teams: there are a lot of them. North Carolina is one of them, here previewed by Mike of Tarheel Mania, a man who thanks to years of John Bunting appreciates a good mustache like Khalid Sheikh Mohammed appreciates a good waterboarding. Enjoy.
Tailgunner Spongebob says UNC is lookin’ up.One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
1. SpongeBob Yellow. This is to say that we are highly optimistic (and ready…and ready…) about our situation and potential despite the fact that, given the complete picture, things aren’t as hot as we believe. Nevertheless, SpongeBob is a very happy invertebrate. It’s all about perspective. And if all goes awry, we’ll just deploy the Conch Signal to Roy Williams come November. Tyler Hansbrough kinda looks like a fish anyway.
Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?
2. Russia, 1996. Currently a chaotic irrelevance. Our victories and losses in battle have led to the fall and rise of programs (e.g. Florida State, Miami wins; Rutgers, USF losses). Once a rising power on the verge of being at the top, our efforts were thwarted by the capitalist pigs in Tallahassee. In 1996 and 1997, UNC went 21-3; two of those losses were to the Seminoles. I can never forgive FSU for November 8th, 1997. We were #5 in the nation, poised to make a run for the national championship. We had just beaten Clemson in Death Valley for the first time since the Lawrence Taylor era. We had the #2 team in the land on our own turf and on one else in our way. To this day it is the Kenan Stadium attendance record and the only time Lee Corso has ever set foot in the People’s Republic of Chapel Hill. We watched, poised to finally stamp our place in the national college football landscape. Then…disaster struck. We were crushed by a score of 20-3. Looking back, it’s ridiculous to be in the Orange Bowl if you have the two-QB system of Chris Keldorf and Oscar Davenport…but the #1 defense in the nation got lit up by Thad Busby! THAD —-ING BUSBY I TELL YOU!
Now is excuse to post Yeltsin drunk.
Much like the Kremlin, we’re having a bit of trouble letting go of the recent past…but I digress. Point is, we never were the same after that. Both the fearless leaders of the program and athletic department left, the broken republic was left in the hands of an incompetent buffoon (TORRRRRRRRRBUUUUUUUUSSSSSSHHH!!!) and what remained was an entity desperately clinging to relevance…give us a bowl game, any bowl game. By now the full fallout has become clear. But now some enterprising oligarchs are looking to make their money, and in doing so may one day bring us to prominence again. After a narrow overtime win against Duke, at HOME, there’s nowhere to go but up. And this time, capitalist pigs, we intend to beat you at your own game. ???? ????? ??????! (The Heels of the Tar Go!)
Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.
Hakeem Nicks, WR-He is the closest that UNC has come to a 1,000 yard receiving season. That’s right, UNC has as many 1,000 yard receivers in their history as Joe Paterno has neurons that belong to his original body. (Because he’s a zombie! Get it?…/crickets) Nicks, with his spectacular agility, awareness, and Velcro hands will anchor a receiving corps that will make the job of T.J. Yates—or whomever plays QB this season—a bit easier.
Quantavius Sturdivant, LB-A highly touted freshman, Quantavius started the last five games for the Heels, and this year he is expected to fill the void at linebacker left by talented senior Durell Mapp. Linebacker is where UNC has the least amount of depth, so Quantavius may see every down this season and rack up more than 150 tackles. And if nothing else, he has the best full name of any player in the ACC. Calling him Quan is soooooooooo inside the box.
Deunta Williams, FS- 2nd team all-conference and ACC Defensive Freshman of the Year, Williams had 57 tackles and led the Heels in interceptions with three. That may not seem like much, but since the Julius Peppers era most of our defensive backs have had raw chickens for hands. He’s one of the best DBs UNC has had in a while.
Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.
Sept. 20th vs. Va. Tech-We were on the road against the ACC champions last year, playing badly, making all kinds of mistakes…and still came thisclose to beating the Hokies. Tech needs to be on upset alert for this one. It’s one of our three toughest games in 2008…and in the wide open (read: terrible) ACC landscape, it’s pretty winnable.
Nov. 22nd vs. NC State- HATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATEHATE. Well, it’s not that we hate the Wolfpack per se-in fact, we’re technically part of the same University system. So really, they’re a brother to us. An odd, unkempt, ugly, “special” brother whom we would like to pummel given any opportune moment…but a brother nonetheless.
Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.
Nov. 29th vs. Duke. Don’t watch this game. It’s the law in Jefferson County, Kentucky.
Amongst the Mt. Rushmore of Duke jokes, the legal precedent of “Duke Sucks” has to be right up there with J.J. Redick’s poetry [http://tarheelmania.wordpress.com/], Kyle Singler’s addiction to puppy tartare, and Carl Franks.
Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?
Two things. First is anything resembling a running game. Despite having 27 1,000 yard rushing seasons in school history, we haven’t had such a running back since 1997. Greg Little and Jamal Womble may help fix that, but still…when you’re waxing nostalgic about John Linton, you’ve got issues.
Our second biggest weakness is at linebacker. Not so much for lack of production as lack of depth. Quantavius, Chase Rice, and Mark Paschal are all serviceable LB’s, but UNC has almost no experienced help behind them.
Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious, do it.
I’m not a Buffett aficionado, so I can only go by song titles. After much deliberation (10 minutes on Wikipedia), I’ll go with “Please Don’t Bring Me Candy.” Mostly because keeping Marvin Austin away from carbs is a pretty good idea.
If this were UVa, however, only one song is an acceptable answer: “Pencil Thin Moustache”.
Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.
7. The Tar Heels will stay close in just about every game, within single digits either direction. However, they will manage to botch 2-3 of those games due to a singular act of stupidity, digging themselves in a deep hole to begin the game.
TJ YATES WILL NOT THROW A PICK ON THE OPENING DRIVE. TJ YATES WILL NOT THROW A PICK ON THE OPENING DRIVE. TJ YATES WILL NOT THROW A PICK ON THE OPENING DRIVE…
For further reading on the North Carolina Tar Heels, please check out Tarheel Mania. Marvin Austin does not at all kind of look like Tracy Chapman. Nope.
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Wow. That’s a lot of information.
My college sports consciousness begins when I moved to Chapel Hill in ‘95 (age
and watched UNC lose 28-12 to Florida State in the pouring rain. The weather was bad enough to keep people at home (and make UNC miss an extra point), and I was in the visitor’s section. It seemed to me that there were more FSU fans than Carolina fans that day. I was probably right.
In short, this is mostly new information to me. Thank you for the history lesson.
Ironically, Clemson was the first ACC basketball game I ever saw at the Dean Dome. You can probably guess how that went.
In Hatfield’s defense, McCleon was an All-American QB in high school.
Comment by Digital Headbutt — August 2, 2008 @ 6:09 pm
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Actually, you defeated Southern Cal in the Pigskin Classic in ‘93 to open the season. I don’t think you played any Pac 10 schools in ‘96. I recall you playing Louisville and Syracuse in ‘96 for OOC. I don’t recall your other opponent.
You beat USC handily in Anaheim, as I recall. Never understood why Carolina kept alternating Jason Stanicek and Mike Thomas, as Stanicek was the far better QB. They should have just let Thomas punt, which he was great at.
Mack Brown had these 2 year spurts at Carolina that got him to Texas.
First, in ‘92 and ‘93, you guys were pretty good. You were far better than us, but we beat you 40-7 in ‘92 at home, Natrone Means was injured in the game and we saw Curtis Johnson break a 80+ yard run for your only TD.
Then in ‘93 you beat us 24-0 in Chapel Hill. You wore all blue, looked like the Smurfs, and scored all 24 in the 1st Half.
We had Dexter McCleon, a converted safety, playing QB. He played for the Rams for many seasons.
Screw you, Ken Hatfield. What a putz.
Due to adding FSU to the family, we had to play you in Chapel Hill in both ‘93 and ‘94. We upset you in ‘94.
I was at both games, but I remember it more for the Blue-White games I got to see before and after, depending on the year, the football game.
I was sitting in the lowers at the Dean Dome in ‘94 when I heard two Rams Clubbers talking. This was after you had won the national title and had Stackhouse, Wallace, and McInnis in as freshmen.
One of them said, “who do you think will win tonight,” the other responded…
“I don’t know but I would bet you $10K that I could take either squad and finish in the top 10.”
Bill Curley disagreed with the above, even though you finished the regular season at #1.
Comment by Coop — August 2, 2008 @ 10:51 am
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They were both insanely good. I completely forgot about the Syracuse game, and now it reminds me that we blew out a Pac-10 team as well (Cal?). As bad a head coach as he was, Torbush was one of the best defensive coordinators in the business. Looking back, Heels football fans were quite spoiled by the ‘96 and ‘97 teams. And you’re right…Jon Linton was no Leon Johnson.
But the most impressive factoid to take from this is that you’re the first college football fanatic from Duke whom I’ve ever met.
Comment by Digital Headbutt — August 1, 2008 @ 10:04 pm
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I would argue that the ‘96 Carolina team was far better than the ‘97 Carolina team.
You missed Leon Johnson in ‘97, big time. He was the epitome of an all-purpose RB.
You embarrassed Clemson, who gamely lost to LSU in a Peach Bowl contest we had no business being at. LSU was something like 9-2 that year and Clemson was something like 6-5, including a loss to South Carolina, which is inexcusable.
You went up to Syracuse when they were a top 10 team and embarrassed them. I remember listening to Woody Durham and Mick Mixon call it. Glad that Mick is calling the Panthers games, now, FYI.
You killed everybody that year, and outplayed FSU. You also really outplayed UVa. That was ridiculous.
Anyway, what you are also forgetting is how Tennessee wet the bed in ‘96 versus Memphis to guarantee they would go to another Citrus Bowl under Peyton and Fulmer. Hence the classic Spurrier joke, “you can’t spell Citrus…” Losing to Memphis cost an at large Orange Bowl berth for the Vols.
Carolina, at 10-1 would have gone to the Orange, I know I know Carolina does not draw enough fans, blah blah blah…
but every Orange Bowl rep was at the Carolina/UVa game to go to the Carolina locker room and offer you guys the Orange Bowl slot.
And, you still had to play Duke, as I recall.
Anyway, Mack Brown and Greg Davis and Carl Torbush, in my opinion, don’t get enough credit for the job they did at Carolina.
That defense, with Bly, Brian Simmons, K Mays, the CB from Shelby who fooled around with an underaged girl, the white LB from Burlington who ended up being drafted by the Bills, etc etc etc…
they were impressive.
Speaking as someone who has a degree from that school 12 miles down 15-150…
Carolina was darn good those two years, but more so in ‘96.
But, yeah, dear Lord did NasCarl suck as head coach.
Comment by Coop — August 1, 2008 @ 9:47 am
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Coop: Yeah, that was the game that got me hooked to Carolina football when I was a kid. I don’t forgive Florida State for ‘96 either, but our expectations weren’t nearly as high as they were in ‘97. We we in Tallahassee, and despite being shut out we were pretty happy to have played tough against them and hold them to 13 points on the road.Besides, it was September. Losing 20-3… at home… to the same team… as the #5 team in the country at 8-0… in November… in the biggest game in school history… with no one else standing in your way on the road to the Orange Bowl… is pretty demoralizing.
Evan: I’m a Carolina alum. What kind of a fan would I be if I let that incident pass unmentioned?
Comment by Digital Headbutt — August 1, 2008 @ 8:57 am