CURIOUS INDEX, 7/31/2008

by Orson on Jul 31, 2008 8:02 AM EDT

Damn you, youtube banditos. Had we not been busy researching our important upcoming paper on mesenchymal stem cells*, we would have been all over it. Apologies--that was Myron Rolle, not us. We were busy, really. Getting Nico Bellic laid doesn't happen all by itself, you know. It requires calling a virtual woman on an virtual phone, who then will go get hammered with you at a bar at 12:30 on a weekday afternoon, and will then tell you that you are "special," either meaning the video game is praising your character's sexual prowess, or calling him retarded.

Perhaps we are retarded: not checking Red Dirt Kings for one day cost us watching a video of Josh Jarboe popping lines like this in a cadence best described as "Federline'd":

If she want a barbecue I put my meat up on her grill.

As RDK points out, he's not the original playa from the himalaya, and will never be judging from the somewhat constipated flow. You may ask, "Lawya please, what do you know about rap?" We're white: who knows more about bad rap than a white guy, we ask? No one. As a race, we've been failing spectacularly in this field for years, and we may be cited individually as experts in inept hip-hop recitation.

Science backs us up since you may still watch the video of the red-dreaded Jarboe bustin' here, and observe the only guy who rocks out to Jarboe's electrifying soliloquy in the background:

Feel it! Feel it! Feel the vibration!

Correct: that's Jabob's Ladder Fred Durst back there. QEDMF. (Red Dirt Kings also points us to the new Johnsonville Brat-Burger. Your heart just hiccuped a little looking at that word.)

Speaking of hiccups: Life becomes stranger than fiction would care to make it at a rate equal to Time passing multiplied by Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Exhibit J, as in Jacksonville State, may be found here.

Catch Lefevour. Achingly bad punnery abounds when Dan Lefevour comes up. Catch the...um...illness.

We regret the error. All those responsible have been sacked, and those responsible for the sacking have been sacked. In addition to being wrong on the fumble call against Ohio State in the Illinois game, the Big Ten ref heading the crew had a history of bankruptcy, casino gambling, child abuse and allegations of sexual harassment, meaning he is unsuitable for collegiate officiating, but has a definite future in public service. Hey, if you're really good, you can have your own signed Beanie Wells jersey! Seized from your house by the Feds!

He likes to win. Houston Nutt's new press guide for Ole Miss is typically modest. Oh, sure, it's a fark, but you wouldn't be surprised.

*Oh, come now. You and we both know this is Florida State code for "The Physics of Gas Siphoning." To be fair, it is a much more lucrative field currently than blogging.

Tweet Comment 16 comments | 0 recs |

Do you like this story?

Comments

Fred Durst was in a movie I happened to see last night on Showtime. Two Durst sightings in less than 12 hours sort of creeps me out a bit.

by AlanInDC on Jul 31, 2008 8:51 AM EDT reply actions

I can’t tell you how happy I am that Jarboe left the state to…um…matriculate.

by Because They Can on Jul 31, 2008 9:06 AM EDT reply actions

Brat burgers aren’t especially new, but they are incredibly awesome and will definitely give me heart disease.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Jul 31, 2008 9:12 AM EDT reply actions

Color me unimpressed, Arkansas fans.

by JimHalpert on Jul 31, 2008 9:18 AM EDT reply actions

“I shoot your ass off like a damn pool table. "

by SocalBryan on Jul 31, 2008 9:52 AM EDT reply actions

in that lefevour link, there’s a comment about him being the best football player in michigan

it’s funny b/c it’s true

by okiedomer on Jul 31, 2008 9:56 AM EDT reply actions

Does Big Jim Delaney have any oversight regarding the refs in the Big Ten? If so, I would like to know how these bankruptcy filers, casino gamblers, child abusers, sexual harassers &c. fit into his long-term vision of the B10 as being so much smarter and packed with character than everyone else.

by Doug on Jul 31, 2008 10:16 AM EDT reply actions

Instead of MEMEMEMEMEMEME it should say GIGGETYGIGGETYGIGGETYGIGGGETY

by yoyofutbawl on Jul 31, 2008 10:28 AM EDT reply actions

“Jacobs Ladder Fred Durst”- thats pure comedy right there……
After listening to that rap, there is no way he scored above a 12 on his ACT or a 450 on his SAT..
Stoops should cut him loose so he can join Perriloux at Jax State…..all Jax State has to do is hang around and scoop up cast offs and pretty soon, they are #1

by Mr.Pelican Pants on Jul 31, 2008 11:23 AM EDT reply actions

How could Myron Rolle play for Bowden and still want to pursue a career in healthcare?

by Allahver Fist on Jul 31, 2008 11:57 AM EDT reply actions

Myron Rolle, you have single handedly offset many of the shenanigans and ill will of those who garner Fulmer Cup points. I think you for restoring my faith in the humanity of those who play college football.

… note – I said “many” – not “all” shenanigans. Kendall Washington is still a f*cked up dude.

by vegas_buckeye on Jul 31, 2008 12:06 PM EDT reply actions

The best part about the pedo-ref who ran the OSU-Illinois game is that the entire crew had been told that they were to be suspended and fired the… wait for it… WEEK BEFORE THE GAME.

So there you have it. The biggest game in the Big 10 that week was, knowingly, assigned to a bankrupt, child-molesting, woman-beating gambling addict with absolutely nothing to lose.

I ask you, what could go wrong?

by Busted Draft Pick on Jul 31, 2008 12:43 PM EDT reply actions

Let me see if I get this straight. Tressel didn’t ask for a review because he was wanting to save it because it was so early in the half. And he might need to use it to review another play? Coach – they got the ball at your 2 yd line instead of you getting it on your 20. I guess that explains why you went for it (4th & 1) in the UF/tOSU game.

by hobeg8r on Jul 31, 2008 2:43 PM EDT reply actions

hobeg8r – that wasn’t reviewable, because the play was whistled dead. This year, apparently, that will change (which of course will cause twice as many problems as it solves, RBs taking late hits after the whistle because they don’t want him challenging that he wasn’t out of bounds and such).

by SpartanDan on Jul 31, 2008 3:46 PM EDT reply actions

According to the Columbus paper:

“Tressel has said he was hesitant to use his one challenge early in a game, in case a more obvious opportunity arose later.”

Apparently, he thought it was reviewable, too.

by hobeg8r on Jul 31, 2008 4:31 PM EDT reply actions

Here’s my rap:

I knew you couldn’t resist my shit! I got the shakes that’ll make you quake. I got the fries that’ll cross your eyes. I got that burgers that’ll… I just got burgers.

It ain’t easy bein cheezy.

by Cheeseburger Eddy on Jul 31, 2008 6:09 PM EDT reply actions