One time, I was trying to fix the HVAC in my house. I like to fix things because my father liked to fix things. One time he fixed a sick goat by throwing it off the roof of the house during an electrical storm. It hit the ground and stopped moving.


Fixed. Giggity.

I asked my father if the goat was “fixed,” and he said, “Son, ain’t nothing in this world that can fix a cantankerous goat or a laudanum-sippin’ woman. Except by violently throwing them off the roof.” That’s why I like to fix things.

[stares, attempts to spellbind audience.]

6.022 × 10 to the 23rd power. That’s Avocado’s Number.

[empty stares]

GIGGITY!

I also like teaching people to finish. When Casey–er, Jevan Snead throws away an orange juice bottle, he needs to finish throwing away that orange juice bottle. And when I say throw it away, I mean reach deep down in that trash can and make sure you get it all the way down in there with the trash. You can’t just float it on top. The wind could take it.

Then your trash has become garbage. And we don’t tolerate garbage here at Ole Miss. So get your hand in there with the diapers and the dirty needles. That’s how you win.

Needles. Diapers. Finish.

[Stares, attempts to spellbind audience]

HOOGITY BOOGITY NOSFERATU CANDANGIT FIGGITY BORACKUS MCCLAGGLEY OOGITY BOOGITY!!!

[silence. stares.]

You know what I like about Jerrell Powe?

[gestures with thumb on top of fist. squints.]

HE’S QUALIFIED GIGGITY GIGGITY GIGGITY!!!!

[thunderous applause.]