This week’s extremely lively Fulmer Cupdate is brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson and just as fast with the returns for scores. Clarifications, corrections, and gross errors follow.

Arkansas bumps up four for their DUI charge for Marques Wade this weekend, a reminder that if you are going to drive drunk, be sure not to break serveral standing rules on top of the basic law you’re already breaking, e.g. being tanked, underage, and almost hitting a cop. It’s one thing to rob a bank; it’s another to do it while double-parked and driving on expired tags while smoking indoors, sir.

Oregon picks up two points for linebacker Kevin Garrett’s DUI this past weekend. “There was resistance,” said a local policeman regarding the arrest, but after the B-52s were called in and little bit of cleanup work followed from the Predator drones, Garrett simmered down and went along with it. imagine, recruit: your personalized comic book could include a testy DUI!

Mizzou receives a correction for one point left off of their tally for Jeremy Burge leaving the scene of an accident after hitting a mailbox. Don’t ever, ever cross the USPS. They will find you, son. They will. And when they do…you will wait in line as one cashier works and three others fiddle with their autoscales. Welcome to hell, Jeremy Burge. You should think about this next time you try to run over an innocent mailbox.

Kentucky picks up one point for their third-string qb getting into a fight outside of a Lexington restaurant. Following the arrest of qb Curtis Pulley this past weekend, Kentucky’s only recent arrest-free qb, Brian Mike Hartline, got baked, put in an old copy of Interstella 5555 and ate an entire quart of ice cream just because he could. I’m not in jail, right? Captain Starter’s having a little in-house oven action, okay? Ssshhhhhh. This is my favorite part. The part with the guitar ship. YEahhhh NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.

South Carolina has one point go up in smoke due to the dismissal of simple marijuana possession charges against Dion Lecorn. What do you mean, ‘Where’s the weed?’ (Cough cough cough cough…)

This is Alabama’s to lose. Mizzou and West Virginia are both right there, but Jimmy Johns, touted as a championship-caliber player coming into Bama, may have proved to be just that–albeit, in ways they never could have expected.