625 pounds of bench press later, and that would be this show just getting warmed up, asshole. Our guest will be Matt Hayes of the Sporting News, who we once called “a dick” in the spaces of this site. He’ll be talking about all kinds of things college football-related, including his recent visits to West Virginia, SEC Media Days, and about the joy of calling a jackass blogger “a colleague.”
Join us here at 9:00 p.m. Who needs four questions when you’re thirty days away from college football. Waku waku time needs no structure.
One time, I was trying to fix the HVAC in my house. I like to fix things because my father liked to fix things. One time he fixed a sick goat by throwing it off the roof of the house during an electrical storm. It hit the ground and stopped moving.
Fixed. Giggity.
I asked my father if the goat was “fixed,” and he said, “Son, ain’t nothing in this world that can fix a cantankerous goat or a laudanum-sippin’ woman. Except by violently throwing them off the roof.” That’s why I like to fix things.
[stares, attempts to spellbind audience.]
6.022 × 10 to the 23rd power. That’s Avocado’s Number.
This week’s extremely lively Fulmer Cupdate is brought to you by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson and just as fast with the returns for scores. Clarifications, corrections, and gross errors follow.
Arkansas bumps up four for their DUI charge for Marques Wade this weekend, a reminder that if you are going to drive drunk, be sure not to break serveral standing rules on top of the basic law you’re already breaking, e.g. being tanked, underage, and almost hitting a cop. It’s one thing to rob a bank; it’s another to do it while double-parked and driving on expired tags while smoking indoors, sir.
Oregon picks up two points for linebacker Kevin Garrett’s DUI this past weekend. “There was resistance,” said a local policeman regarding the arrest, but after the B-52s were called in and little bit of cleanup work followed from the Predator drones, Garrett simmered down and went along with it. imagine, recruit: your personalized comic book could include a testy DUI!
Mizzou receives a correction for one point left off of their tally for Jeremy Burge leaving the scene of an accident after hitting a mailbox. Don’t ever, ever cross the USPS. They will find you, son. They will. And when they do…you will wait in line as one cashier works and three others fiddle with their autoscales. Welcome to hell, Jeremy Burge. You should think about this next time you try to run over an innocent mailbox.
Kentucky picks up one point for their third-string qb getting into a fight outside of a Lexington restaurant. Following the arrest of qb Curtis Pulley this past weekend, Kentucky’s only recent arrest-free qb, Brian Mike Hartline, got baked, put in an old copy of Interstella 5555 and ate an entire quart of ice cream just because he could. I’m not in jail, right? Captain Starter’s having a little in-house oven action, okay? Ssshhhhhh. This is my favorite part. The part with the guitar ship. YEahhhh NOM NOM NOM NOM NOM.
This is Alabama’s to lose. Mizzou and West Virginia are both right there, but Jimmy Johns, touted as a championship-caliber player coming into Bama, may have proved to be just that–albeit, in ways they never could have expected.
Double dipping from the same post here, but something else from the Dave Matter’s Mizzou football blog stuck in our mental craw this morning:
Speaking of Pelini, I’m not the first person to point this out, but I can’t look at him without thinking of the actor Tim Blake Nelson. I’d pay money to hear Pelini lean into a microphone and say, “We thought you was a toad!”
If Tim Blake Nelson spent his free hours pounding face with kneecap in the Octagon, then yes, certainly, there’s a similarity. To be truly scientific, though, there’s only one way to test these things: in a lab. Paging Dr. Freek; you’re needed in the semiotics wing. (For added verisimilitude, play the embedded mp3 below it while watching.)
L’il Red, btw, is going to be the site equivalent of Pedobear or the Bear in Harvey Birdman this year: he’s going to pop up wherever he damn likes, thank you very much. Just consider yourself warned, since his gaze and spastic walk will haunt your sleepless nights whether you like it or not.
REEEEEEEEEMIIIIIIIIX!!! Take him out of the ballgame, y’all.
Still looking for new Reveille; best mascot in college football still waiting for call back. The Aggies still look for MAUAJI, DESTROYER OF FOES. They do not want a collie, as they are all, underneath the short ties and bowl cuts, BLOODHAPPY KILLERS. They need MAUAJI. All
they need do is call his name, and of course, provide competitive package for handler, Steve.
Mauaji awaits. Call his name.
We, too, are experts in this field. Ron Brown, after faking his own death in a fiery plane crash and escaping from a living hell as Commerce Secretary and Clinton flunky, became a football coach, a profession that not only allowed him to mold young lives, but also to indulge in his many interests as a renaissance man. See Nebraska’s media guide for evidence:
“Brown is an outspoken advocate on many issues, including adoption, abstinence, and drug and alcohol education, race relations and pornography, to name a few.”
We know porno. In fact, our areas of specialty include seventies porno, early transitional video, and mid-90s gonzo, in particular the early groundbreaking work of Lexington Steele and Sledge Hammer. See our thesis, “Stretched to the Limits: Vaginal Torsion as a Metaphor for Interracial Porn Race Relations in 90s Adult Video.”
As far as drug and alcohol education, well, we can educate youth on these, as well. (”Kids, don’t smoke weed and do meth at the same time. You’d be better off duct taping your face to a detuned television and sticking your feet in beehive slippers.”) As far as abstinence, well…that’s why we’re not coaching at Nebraska, we guess.
Toxic mouthgards? Rub some dirt in ‘em. Oh, wait… Arkansas youth football starts the season with toxic mouthguards. It’s not my fault I threw that interception, coach. Blame the exotic bacterial infection that’s digesting my brain instead.
Broseph! They’re gonna kiss! AOL has girlz! They might kiss! Maybe they’ll all kiss Erin Andrews and FIRE THUR LAZRS 2GETHR! YEAH SHOOP DA WHOOP!!! 9/11 didn’t happen YES IT DID UR A TERRORIST FUCK U NO FUCK U FAGG!!!
Good to see AOL’s finally let the commenters take over the hivemind, there. The sponsorship from Buttfuckers can’t be far off now.
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
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Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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