HOLY SMOKING HELL SLOW DOWN GENTLEMEN

by Orson on Jul 28, 2008 4:46 PM EDT

Last night, we couldn't sleep. Rolled over: 4:35 on the dot. We ran through all the usual suspects as far as insomnia. Terrifying dreams about spiders wielding knives? Negative. Gassy? No more so than usual. Giddy about college football being close enough to touch with our trembling mindfingers? Of course, but that doesn't keep us from sleeping, sometimes even during actual college football games in season.*

What was waking us up in the middle of the night? It wasn't obvious until emails began pouring into our inbox this afternoon. College football players had been arrested at a gay bar, and we weren't writing about it, dammit.

First, Virginia earns a total of five points for their unsuccessful foray into Charlottesville gay nightlife. First, there's the crime of the mug shot hair, an atrocity. Second, if you're going to steal something at a gay club, sweetie, make sure it's someone's heart, not a few beers from behind the bar. Third, if you're going to attempt to outrun someone after stealing beer, make sure it's not gay guys, because they go to the gym almost as often as football players, and are often more aerodynamic due to the body waxing. Hetero-fouls to both of you gentlemen, and with four misdemeanor charges and a bonus point for being in a gay club, that's five earned the fabu way, Cavaliers.

(The mascot? Doesn't make this funnier. Nope. Not at all.)

Most students can afford two hundred bucks a month in gas, sure. Ohio State earns two points for generic, unremarkable DUI, an appropriate charge for a generic, unremarkable Ohio. Worthington's Ohio State file photo, however, is both ungeneric and un-unremarkable. Really, if Worthington had rolled down the window with this look on his face, what lady wouldn't have let him off with a warning and her cell phone number written on the back of a traffic ticket?

Only the most exotic and sensuous oils will cover your body when you are with me. Both of you, I mean. Whaddya mean there's only one of you?

Worthington, an 11 game starter last season, blew somewhere between a 0.08 and a 0.17, meaning he was tipsy, but not in Pete Doherty territory or anything. He was also driving a white Escalade at the time, which Ohio State supporters will assume came based on parental contributions or projected NFL money, and which everyone else will assume came from Maurice Clarett Motors of Greater Columbus. We have no idea where the car actually came from, but we know exactly what everyone will think no matter what we say, so there you are.

Finally, Kentucky's Curtis Pulley is, yes, making the job easier for Kentucky coaches trying to decide who to name starter for the Wildcats. Two FC points for various driving-related offenses for Kentucky as a result, and points for Mike Hartline in the qb race in Lexington, as well. Asked to comment, Rich Brooks made a colorful agricultural metaphor, and then refused to answer any further questions on the matter.

*Note: second-tier Big Ten games only. Don't act like you don't do the same.

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Comments

I guess the new “Project Runway” is the landing strip on Will Barker’s head.

by DevilGrad on Jul 28, 2008 4:53 PM EDT reply actions

Re: Worthington-

Pretty sure dealerships are giving Escalades away nowadays, what with their 3 gallons to a mile efficiency…Now if he were driving a Prius I’d call shenanigans…

Plus, dude’s 6’7 280 lbs, can’t be too many vehicles he can even fit into…

by Pants McPants on Jul 28, 2008 5:04 PM EDT reply actions

I need to get a ruling on what would qualify for a “top-tier” Big 10 (11) game.

Isn’t the ONLY one tOSU v. Michigan? And that one is very iffy.

by Two Dogs on Jul 28, 2008 5:04 PM EDT reply actions

Is an OSU player being arrested really news worthy?

Now if he actually misses any game time because of the arrest, now that would be note worthy.

by akaRonMexico on Jul 28, 2008 5:13 PM EDT reply actions

Damn the inequity in the Fulmer Cup Scoring………Virginia is receiving (pun intended) a load of “most favored credits” due to the “Gay” time had by all……….Recommended scoring:

Mohawk Man Barker – PI (2 pts)
Larceny (1 pt)
Poor 40 time (1 pt)

Barker’s Bitch Roberts – PI (2 pts)
                                        Larceny (1 pt)
                                        MIP (1 pt)
                                        Fake ID (1pt)
                                        Poor 40 time (1 pt)

Total Damage 10 pts

by Hogblog on Jul 28, 2008 5:14 PM EDT reply actions

Wait, Club 216 is a gay bar? That’s not what you told me last night, dammit.

[/bar’d]

by Eirishis on Jul 28, 2008 5:15 PM EDT reply actions

Smoove B will be unable to attend the first game of the season ladies, due to an unforeseen conflagration with a lawman, but Smoove will most definitely spend that time freaking you in the most erotic manner possible.

by SmoothJimmyApollo on Jul 28, 2008 5:21 PM EDT reply actions

There are few sedatives in this world stronger than Penn State vs Michigan State after eating a big lunch.

by Year2-Dave on Jul 28, 2008 5:42 PM EDT reply actions

@8 You gotta admit the 2004 Iowa-Penn State (6-4 Hawkeyes), really sets the bar for fucking somnambulance.

by Der Schatten on Jul 28, 2008 5:45 PM EDT reply actions

It is late in the fourth quarter for the Fulmer Cup and players are in the hurry up 2 minute offense. While our boys at tOSU are trying, it will be too little too late. We go 3 years without a problem and get pinched twice in 2 weeks. WTF?

My predicition on this offense is maybe a game or two suspension and a crimp in playing time for the year.

by Crabapple Buck on Jul 28, 2008 6:06 PM EDT reply actions

Actually tOSU could actually be on the right track for a real MNC run if this keeps up. This can prove that they can come from behind. Or is that UVA…oops, wait…,what?
That picture, Worthington looks like he is winking and blowing a kiss, just for you occiffer….

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jul 28, 2008 6:22 PM EDT reply actions

Techinically, Worthington is 20 yrs old (not the 35 you might assume) and his BAC could be anywhere from 0.01 to a 0.17.

Who drives on Ohio State’s campus anyway? You can cover campus in normally under 35 minutes. Unless you have to go to West Campus, then good luck. I see why he was driving.

by PoeMcFuckinNoe on Jul 28, 2008 6:41 PM EDT reply actions

Also, when was the last time a team won the National Championship win no Fulmer Cup points?

by PoeMcFuckinNoe on Jul 28, 2008 6:43 PM EDT reply actions

The Peter Lalich Escapade late last week get no mention?I think our QB getting busted for using a fake should get at least a point or 2… Come on guys

by BCAPPS on Jul 28, 2008 6:49 PM EDT reply actions

BCAPPS- please don’t lobby for points. Please?

by now_a_hoo on Jul 28, 2008 7:21 PM EDT reply actions

Where’s the dbag Buckeye fan who was ripping apart Kevin Grady when he had his little incident? Guy was also bragging about how OSU hadn’t had any players get in trouble for a while…since then Eugene Clifford has been given the boot and now Worthington. Oops.

by Cbus=shithole on Jul 28, 2008 8:58 PM EDT reply actions

to be fair, kevin grady was really, really, really, really, REALLY drunk

by bup bup bup on Jul 28, 2008 10:35 PM EDT reply actions

Half-assed effort in Fulmer cups points for the Buckeyes. FnC and pedestrian DUI, just a very lackluster off-season. Watching the Outside the Lines story on PSU and their 47 players charged with crimes since 2002 makes tOSU’s efforts seem quite pathetic. Mix in a gang beating and/or credit card fraud charge (bonus for credit of a deceased person), c’mon. I could deal without more gay bar infractions though, the ‘being-out-run-by-pretty-boy-bobbi’ risk is just too high and utterly embarassing.

by COB on Jul 28, 2008 10:56 PM EDT reply actions

It’s Jarrell Powe that’s keeping you up at night. He’s the spawn of Rulon Gardner and a half mongoose half hammerhead shark who was raised by Steve Emtman that is 400 lbs and has quit eating babies dipped in gravy and switched to QB’s because “they taste like chicken”….he eats commas as well

by putters on Jul 28, 2008 11:41 PM EDT reply actions

I can’t wait to play UVA this year. The signs and chants write themselves.

by Yappo on Jul 29, 2008 12:24 AM EDT reply actions

@16—

I’m the dbag you are looking for!

I believe what I said initially was welcome to the world of college football as all 119 other teams know it. It’s a slimy place, son. see ya’ in november.

by Bomb Ann Arbor Now on Jul 29, 2008 7:41 AM EDT reply actions

It’s ho-hum police blotter incidents like this that make Fulmer Cup style points so critically important. Kevin Grady blew something like a 3.18 × 10^7. The guy’s exhalations were actually classified as a munition by the US government.

Worthington, from what I’ve read, blew a .08 ten days before his 21st birthday. The guy is screwed for underage consumption, certainly. But thankfully the Fulmer Cup is wise enough to recognize the difference between true achievement and simple youth.

by Busted Draft Pick on Jul 29, 2008 9:20 AM EDT reply actions

So I can trust you to stay awake during a second tier ACC game? Like, say, UNC-NC State?

by Digital Headbutt on Jul 29, 2008 9:33 AM EDT reply actions

Hey “cbus=******” You do realize anyone who would actually think it is cool or funny to choose a moniker like that is automatically a grade A douchebag by definition, correct? Of course you don’t, you stupid fuck.

And akaRon- OSU has had very few problems with the law in the last few years (couple DUIs, a $20 solicitation) and the players have been punished for them. Maybe you should stick to the same old “poop in a cooler” jokes you’ve been recycling for the last 3 years on NDNation, where your bitterness over OSU’s success and the Domers absolute suckitude still have a lapping audience. Obviously, the city of Columbus must’ve killed your Dad but it’s time to move on man.

Freaking morons.

by Pants McPants on Jul 29, 2008 9:58 AM EDT reply actions

Columbus didn’t kill my dad, but it nearly killed me. I spent a couple of years there one summer. Never again.

As far as I’m concerned “cbus=shithole” is off the hook. Truth is a defense to libel in all 50 states.

by DevilGrad on Jul 29, 2008 10:20 AM EDT reply actions

Club 216 rules clearly state that membership is 50 bucks and you may bring your own hard licker…

http://www.club216.com/files/membership/membership.html-ssi

by godawg on Jul 29, 2008 10:28 AM EDT reply actions

Expect more Fulmer Cup points for OSU courtesy of Doug Worthington — this will not turn out to be ‘just’ a DUI.

See here:

http://wtvn.com/cc-common/news/sections/newsarticle.html?feed=&article=4015199

I’ll emphasize the statement, “Police also say Worthington’s Cadillac Escalade had license plates that were registered to another vehicle.”

by Anon on Jul 29, 2008 11:00 AM EDT reply actions

“Hey cbus=****** You do realize anyone who would actually think it is cool or funny to choose a moniker like that is automatically a grade A douchebag by definition, correct? Of course you dont, you stupid fuck.”

Yeah, that is NOT cool, man.

Sincerely,
Bomb Ann Arbor Now

by Cheeburger on Jul 29, 2008 1:59 PM EDT reply actions

…uh, is that mascot a Cavalier or a butt pirate? Same thing? Oh, sorry.

by sb on Jul 29, 2008 3:19 PM EDT reply actions

@ 27

The only problem with that theory is that Escalades and cash are normally reserved for impact players. Moreover, you may know them as the guys that gets stars under them in NCAA 2009. Troy Smith, Reggie Bush, Percy Harvin, etc.

Not a middle of the road DE parading as a DT.

by Poe McKnoe on Jul 29, 2008 7:38 PM EDT reply actions

pants @ #24…your pettiness is showing…I have seen vehement responses and even some that were justified, but, wtf, dude…did he hit a nerve or what? Especially after youse guys just tripped over dicks thrice in a row (two f-ball and one-bball) for the natty champs…sucks hard and understandably so. My buddhist psychic lesbian friend says “Let it go and gain the world”…so maybe that might help…and no, I have yet to get into her pants, but here’s to hopin’…

That cavalier still looks like a butt-pirate…

by sb on Jul 29, 2008 8:07 PM EDT reply actions

RE: 31. If finishing second is tripping over dicks, what is the rest of the NCAA? I see your logic, only one team proves worthiness and the rest of the teams should fold their programs…of course. I would rather trip over the dick and finish second then finish third and end up with it your mouth.

by COB on Jul 30, 2008 6:58 PM EDT reply actions