HOLY SMOKING HELL SLOW DOWN GENTLEMEN

Last night, we couldn't sleep. Rolled over: 4:35 on the dot. We ran through all the usual suspects as far as insomnia. Terrifying dreams about spiders wielding knives? Negative. Gassy? No more so than usual. Giddy about college football being close enough to touch with our trembling mindfingers? Of course, but that doesn't keep us from sleeping, sometimes even during actual college football games in season.*

What was waking us up in the middle of the night? It wasn't obvious until emails began pouring into our inbox this afternoon. College football players had been arrested at a gay bar, and we weren't writing about it, dammit.

First, Virginia earns a total of five points for their unsuccessful foray into Charlottesville gay nightlife. First, there's the crime of the mug shot hair, an atrocity. Second, if you're going to steal something at a gay club, sweetie, make sure it's someone's heart, not a few beers from behind the bar. Third, if you're going to attempt to outrun someone after stealing beer, make sure it's not gay guys, because they go to the gym almost as often as football players, and are often more aerodynamic due to the body waxing. Hetero-fouls to both of you gentlemen, and with four misdemeanor charges and a bonus point for being in a gay club, that's five earned the fabu way, Cavaliers.

(The mascot? Doesn't make this funnier. Nope. Not at all.)

Most students can afford two hundred bucks a month in gas, sure. Ohio State earns two points for generic, unremarkable DUI, an appropriate charge for a generic, unremarkable Ohio. Worthington's Ohio State file photo, however, is both ungeneric and un-unremarkable. Really, if Worthington had rolled down the window with this look on his face, what lady wouldn't have let him off with a warning and her cell phone number written on the back of a traffic ticket?


Only the most exotic and sensuous oils will cover your body when you are with me. Both of you, I mean. Whaddya mean there's only one of you?

Worthington, an 11 game starter last season, blew somewhere between a 0.08 and a 0.17, meaning he was tipsy, but not in Pete Doherty territory or anything. He was also driving a white Escalade at the time, which Ohio State supporters will assume came based on parental contributions or projected NFL money, and which everyone else will assume came from Maurice Clarett Motors of Greater Columbus. We have no idea where the car actually came from, but we know exactly what everyone will think no matter what we say, so there you are.

Finally, Kentucky's Curtis Pulley is, yes, making the job easier for Kentucky coaches trying to decide who to name starter for the Wildcats. Two FC points for various driving-related offenses for Kentucky as a result, and points for Mike Hartline in the qb race in Lexington, as well. Asked to comment, Rich Brooks made a colorful agricultural metaphor, and then refused to answer any further questions on the matter.

*Note: second-tier Big Ten games only. Don't act like you don't do the same.

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