Please welcome our guest The Kid, who you may recognize from Fire Mark May and various other pieces of exceptional ADD theater. With apologies to A.J. Daulerio, we’re going to have him set the odds on the tightest coaching nooses for 2008. Enjoy.

The summer has reached its All Star Break. We’re way way past the eternal hope of spring practice, we’re well into the dregs of voluntary workouts, early commits, and sweaty middle aged men taking bootleg photos of younger sweatier men at two a days is not that far around the corner. Hovering just around the 40 day mark, and we’re playing Noah. Its time to start building that Ark. Bring me two of every internet rumor! Bring me that ooey gooey mortar with which to build my caulk my flood faring vessel so I can storm the coming deluge of hysteria. Its time to start getting crazy. Its time to get pumped about football. 2009 has taken up its permanent home in the Xbox, and there’s nothing left to do but sit and wait.

HOWEVER! We can start throwing around some gentlemanly wagers, so let’s start laying the lines, collecting the vig, and keeping that book of mine all nice and tidy. In what I hope will be recurring as long as I’m allowed on the blogosphere’s cool kids table, I’ll be offering up the odds for a number of college football propositions. Starting things off on the right foot, right there at the tippy tippy top, Im going to set my aims on the CEOs, the Big Men, the head coaches of these fine programs of ours.

We’ve all been there. Hell, I’ve been there more times in the past 8 years than I care to fathom. The coaching search has taken on its own sort of biblical journey in my life, so much that I created my own freaking religion to celebrate the last one, but what I’m really trying to say to a good number of you breaking in the new top guys is that I’ve been there! I feel your pain, and I know exactly what it feels like to start out with so much uncertainty, so many expectatios, all the while worried that you’re teetering on the edge of the abyss and one man, ONE MAN, can pull you out of its gaping maw. The equally dark flip side to all of this is that little voice in the back of your head, a tiny tiny TINY needling voice somewhere in your subconscious that tells you that one day very soon, the honeymoon will be over.


A coach’s best friend, especially if they like being drawn and quartered.

This brings us to the first round of The Odds: Which fanbase sharpens the pitchforks first?

You know, SEC, I’m looking squarely at YOU, but its just not that simple is it? There’s plenty of guys out there who may not exactly have worn out their welcome, but maybe its time for that seat to start getting warm for the very first time. Logic and Reason be damned. We’re pricing in the overall insanity of a collected Team Nation when we set the lines, and let’s not forget the meat grinder that is going to be this season. It’s just bound to chew up and spit out those shiny new toys as fast as it shat them out at the end of last season. Its cold, its unforgiving, its merciless. I love it.

Rich Rodriguez, Michigan 5:4

This is the only photo of him we should ever use.

It goes without saying that the big old spotlight is going shine firmly on Coach Buyout for a good long time while he’s at that University of Meeechigan of his. Karma is a bitch, sir. You may have that big old paycheck of yours, but with it comes the hordes of corn and blue that want you to paste Ohio State. They’d also like a trophy for it. Hell, its the Big Ten, every win is a trophy! Meanwhile, that offense is going to have some growing pains and 3-9 Notre Dame is not an automatic win. Here’s hoping you get the lead out by Week 2, or that smug sense of Midwestern entitlement is going to rear its ugly head real fast. It should also take that long for the Mountaineers to locate, travel to, and burn down your new house.

Charlie Weis, Notre Dame, Even

Now, I know what you’re going to say. Traitor. Heretic. Episcopalian. Let’s take a step back and realize that not every Irish fan is the most rational when it comes to their team. For every diehard posting all the news thats fit to print (as long as it says we’re improving), there’s scores of hand wringers ready to say the sky is falling. This will be the case until someone actually wins a bowl game and/or national title. These are really the only two (one?) concrete ways to end the unending Notre Dame Comeback Tour in my lifetime. Look. I’m not saying the Irish will be bad. I’m not saying Weis turns it around this year. What I am saying is that somehow, someway, EVERYBODY WILL PANIC at some point in the season. You can practically set your watch to it.

Bobby Petrino, Arkansas 3:1

Getting the belt: not always pretty.

WOOOOOOOOOOO! We’re saying that in the Ric Flair fashion and not the traditional Pig Sooey! The Hogs subtract one Humanity Advanced, drop a close one or two, and the crazy parents start rearing their gly heads again. I’m not going to put it past Mrs. Mustain to stop her handiwork until the entire state burns down, and there’s always the decent chance that Houston Nutt finds some way to win over at Ole Miss. That, my friends, would be a big ol’ beefy forearm to the bread basket. WOOOOOO!

Rick Neuheisel, UCLA 8:1

What kind of oddsmaker would I be if I didn’t bring up my favorite? I know its a long shot. The warming glow of Golden Boy out there in Westwood is sure to last a long time, especially coming out of the zealous Fire Dorell crusade. BUT, I have to say that shiny new coach or not, getting one’s ass kicked by Southern Cal sure has to grind one’s gears. The ridiculous mojo that was Karl is no more, so the Bruins are definitely mortal against the Trojans, and Pete Carroll is sure to want to exact sweet, loving revenge at the hands of his least favorite spoilers. Its going to be a lot like “300.” This will not be quick, and you will not enjoy it. Optimism fades real quick when the Humanitarian finds a way to hang 60 on you.

When we think “Southern California” and 300, we tend to think of other things, actually.—ed.