EASTERN KENTUCKY PLAYER STEALS, IS, DOUCHEBAG

by Orson on Jul 23, 2008 3:13 PM EDT

Inside the bag: charger, spray, and this.

The Eastern Kentucky football player whose flight from a Wal-Mart ended up tearing the tip off a sixty-seven year old woman's thumb had his reasons for leaving the scene quickly. Not only was he stealing, but Davin Walker had another secret: he was in possession of cleansing products for his lady's spiritual ladyflower, clearly something embarrassing enough to risk breaking the law over.

Walker dropped his backpack on the way out of the Wal-Mart, presumably in between allegedly shoplifting and inadvertently ripping the thumb off an old lady. Inside said backpack:

The backpack contained a cell phone battery charger, a box of douches and a bottle of feminine hygiene spray, Adkins said.

The real victim here? Walker's girlfriend. Florence King wrote in an essay once about the virtues of dating a redneck. The redneck, while perusing the aisles of a grocery store, saw floral-scented douches lined up in row on the shelf and asked in a booming voice to no one in particular, "What's wrong with pussy, dammit?"

Here here, Earl. An acceptance of well-maintained but au naturel hoo-ha could very well have saved the thumb tips of countless old ladies around the Wal-Marted exurbs of this fine nation of ours, or at the least would have saved Davin Walker from assault and shoplifting charges. Until then, the makers of FDS, Femaspray, and "Gee, Your Twat Smells Great!" will continue to reap profit from the quiet tyranny of vaginophobia.

(HT: Alan.)

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Comments

" a box of douches"

He swears they were DUTCHIES!

by Unsilent Majority on Jul 23, 2008 3:19 PM EDT reply actions

Sir —

I’m sure you can enlist plenty of recruits in your campaign to stamp out vaginophobia.

by DevilGrad on Jul 23, 2008 3:28 PM EDT reply actions

“Pass the douches on the left hand side…”

I wonder whatever happened to Musical Youth.

by The underrated Sorola Palmer on Jul 23, 2008 3:35 PM EDT reply actions

Best post of the day. The caption of the Bayless picture is the icing on the cake.

Also, that last product in your feminine hygiene list sounds like a perfect product spoof for SNL.

by Geaux Irish on Jul 23, 2008 3:40 PM EDT reply actions

I was so fine until "Gee, Your Twat Smells Great! Once again, getting the coffee of the computer screen and keyboard… my boss might be getting suspicious…….. But of course I composed myself until I saw the Skip Bayless picture and caption….. crap… heading to the bosses office….

by The Holy Grail on Jul 23, 2008 3:42 PM EDT reply actions

Oh. My. God.

by The Great Barstoolio on Jul 23, 2008 3:44 PM EDT reply actions

Are they really sure it was for his girlfriend?

by blon57 on Jul 23, 2008 3:48 PM EDT reply actions

Ah, the Eastern Kentucky Clam Trap. Who can forget such an odor?

by NewAZTiger on Jul 23, 2008 3:50 PM EDT reply actions

It’s a sad day when colleges won’t even pay their players enough to afford douche.

by Biggus Rickus on Jul 23, 2008 3:51 PM EDT reply actions

I think my Stone Mountain childhood has me using slang that is out of date. Is the term “cooter” still widely used and accepted

In college – Pink Taco was the choice term. I always feel so behind in the trends.

by Ryno on Jul 23, 2008 3:57 PM EDT reply actions

Biggus -

EKU is FCS (1-AA) not FBS (1-A) so the pay grade is lighter. I’m not even sure he is FC eligible.

by Crabapple Buck on Jul 23, 2008 4:01 PM EDT reply actions

It says Walker is a Freshman from Miami. Amazed that Da U passed up on him. I mean I know it doesn’t rise to the level of pinching a loaf in some co-ed’s hamper but stealing douches from Wal-Mart certainly gets points for originality.

by Not Baghead on Jul 23, 2008 4:03 PM EDT reply actions

When did Kentucky get a Wal-Mart?

by intellidouche on Jul 23, 2008 4:14 PM EDT reply actions

re: Skip Bayless

When print reporters go bad…

I used to read his column in the Dallas Morning News years ago and he was a very good writer/reporter. Now I can’t stand to listen to him on ESPN.

by blon57 on Jul 23, 2008 4:14 PM EDT reply actions

Well, other than the Troy Aikman was gay fiasco.

by blon57 on Jul 23, 2008 4:15 PM EDT reply actions

Crapapple,

One of the umpteen thousand lawyers who frequent this site needs to look into correcting that disparity. Get all class-actiony and shit.

by Biggus Rickus on Jul 23, 2008 4:16 PM EDT reply actions

I can’t find it on the YouTube for some reason, but I recall that George Carlin said that if he made a FDS, he’d call it Sprunt, and that you could find it next to the Red Flag tampons.

by TLH Gator on Jul 23, 2008 4:18 PM EDT reply actions

What is this world coming to? First, we have a Purdue football player stealing condoms. Now, douches. Can tampon thievery be far behind? I see a pattern here.

On the other hand, they sound like they would make great husbands – [other than the stealing part].

by hobeg8r on Jul 23, 2008 4:22 PM EDT reply actions

Biggus -

The problem with counting FBS guys in the Fulmer Cup is that Jax St would be a prohibitive favorite with the addition of Perriloux and his tendency to go on sprees. While it would be cool to see how the ‘little guys’ stack up, I could see an accounting nightmare that I could not put on our exalted ruler Orson.or Bryan. Cause if Bryan had to keep up with RP, he would be too busy to take advantage of being hung like Reggie F’in Nelson.

Besides Biggus, isn’t it a lot more fun to see Alabama try to claim another National Championship from the Fulmer Cup?

by Crabapple Buck on Jul 23, 2008 4:30 PM EDT reply actions

I don’t know why but this whole sordid tale made me think of Monty Python.

“Oh, what sad times are these when passing ruffians can rip the tips off old ladies’ thumbs at will. There is a pestilence upon this land. Nothing is sacred. Even those who arrange and design douches are under considerable economic stress at this period in history.”

“Did you say . . . ‘douches’?”

“Yes. Douches are my trade. I am a doucher. My name is Roger the Doucher. I arrange, design, and sell douches.”

by Doug on Jul 23, 2008 4:32 PM EDT reply actions

See #7. Women don’t use this stuff unless they are 65+.

by blon57 on Jul 23, 2008 4:32 PM EDT reply actions

So Doug, in your little parody, did Roger the Doucher provide a suitable douche for “The Knights who say ewwwww”?

by hunglikehussain on Jul 23, 2008 4:48 PM EDT reply actions

blon57 @ 21 – so are you suggesting that Davin Walker is dating a GILF?

by DC Trojan on Jul 23, 2008 4:58 PM EDT reply actions

When you care enough to steal the very best…

by Bagger Douche on Jul 23, 2008 5:00 PM EDT reply actions

#23

I don’t know what he is doing. This is a strange story.

by blon57 on Jul 23, 2008 5:18 PM EDT reply actions

Of course, the true unspoken tragedy here is the fact that feminine hygiene gets it’s own section in the grocery store, while male hygiene products have to share a shelf with foot powder.

by Chas on Jul 23, 2008 5:18 PM EDT reply actions