Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Evan and Thomas from something called Kentucky Sports Radio.  Below, their bullet-point primer of the Mildcats.  Do enjoy.

One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:

We would say black, as in our program is perpetually falling in a never-ending black hole of despair, but black’s a shade, not a color. Or black is every color. Or black is the absence of color…

Anyway, I guess black can also be associated with goth, or to a lesser extent, emo. Maybe we’re just trying to act out just enough to get noticed. The last two seasons were our rebellious years; we trudged away from our normal role of folding late in games and actually beat teams. Some even convincingly!

Thus, we’ve sold our tight girl-jeans to Plato’s Closet and picked up some more traditional clothing, and we may even stop slashing our wrists a bit. We’ve succumbed to the norm, and have decided to actually look like a football team. Instead of allowing the Devery Henderson’s of the world to slip behind our defensive secondary, we’re chopping Charles Scott at the line of scrimmage on fourth down and the game on the line. Will it take? We hope so. Jet-black hair dye is expensive.

Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?

Um, wow. So we’re guessing the first two questions are here for us to flex our intellectual muscles, huh? We’re severely lacking in that department
To answer the question, though, we’d say we are in a stage similar to that of colonial America. See, the traditional SEC powers are the Brits: all-controlling, mean, brutal, and unforgiving. We are merely peasants, looking for someone or something to rally around. That “thing” is the LSU upset last year, or, our Boston Tea Party. That “person” is Rich Brooks. He is our Paul Revere, our Ben Franklin, our Thomas Jefferson. Plus, he seems fairly close to those folks in age.
We are in the midst of our own uprising. No one thinks it possible but us. With all due respect (well, none I guess) to Ole Miss, at this time, we are the rebels.

Had a little coachy named Paul Revere…

Three: You have important players. Discuss a few of them hastily.

Dicky Lyons Jr. - Mr. Lyons, as I will ask you to call him this season, has developed quite nicely since he arrived on campus. Originally brought in and given the number 12 and the responsibility of trying to look like former Cat Derek Abney as much as possible, Mr. Lyons is now a serious threat at wideout. Plus, he’ll knock your block off. Now, after combining for over 100 catches, 1400 yards and 16 touchdowns the past two seasons, it’s time for Mr. Lyons to show whether or not he can lead an inexperienced cast of wideouts. The fate of Mr. Lyons might just be up to…
Mitus Harley – The quarterback competition between sophomore Michael Hartline and redshirt junior Curtis Pulley hasn’t left a clear-cut starter yet and that’s pretty ok with the staff. They’re toying with the idea of a two-quarterback system, or the super quarterback known as “Mitus Harley” for those of you TMZ addicts. Pulley’s scrambling ability is certainly intriguing, but failing to distinguish himself just like in 2006 with Andre Woodson makes you wonder if he’s better off with another year at WR. A developing story to keep your eye on.

Jeremy Jarmon -Being a talented defensive player at Kentucky can seem like a completely thankless job, especially with the wealth of talent employed by almost every university in the conference. However, Jarmon has elicited some offseason praise, after tallying nine sacks a year ago in his sophomore season. A prototypical speed-rusher, Jarmon comes off the corner, using his 4.7-40 time and strength to blaze his way to punishing quarterbacks.
Trevard Lindley -Lindley is the first true lock-down corner at Kentucky since, um, [error 404: file not found]. Another guy who is gathering some offseason pub, Lindley has been a terror at corner, even though he is often matched up with the opponents biggest threat receiver. Had a huge pick to lock up the Georgia upset his freshman year, and snagged one against LSU and Louisville as well.

Four: Name two games we might actually want to watch featuring your team.

Louisville: Never will you see a basketball state get so turned upside down for a football game. Even if Mike Patrick and Dick Vitale spewed their pro-ACC garbage at you for weeks, you still couldn’t get hyped for a Duke-North Carolina football game. Not the case with these two basketball schools. A definite sports boner for any Bluegrass resident.
Tennessee: Dear God, are you there? It’s me TJ. And I need a win against the Vols this year. Our beloved Cats have suffered 23 consecutive defeats [LOLZ!!1 --ed.] at the hands of the orange-clad inbreds from the south and it seems like each year they get closer and closer to breaking through. After a two-point loss in four overtimes last year, Kentucky can’t snatch defeat from jaws of victory again, can they? Either way, these games are usually close and passionate because of Senior Day, if nothing else. This year it will be at Tennessee, which means the players who haven’t been arrested yet will be honored.

Four-A: Save us all some time and mention the game we’re better off NOT watching.

Norfolk State. Don’t be confused by that 8-3 record from 2007. The Cats second opponent of the season played one team from a BCS conference last year (an overrated Rutgers team) and got pasted 59-0. At least Western Kentucky will bring a crowd that scores high on the tailgating and skirts scale. Norfolk State brings it weak.

Five: Every hero forgets something in their toolbelt. What does your team lack?

Usually, when we were forced to read that trite hack Shakespeare in high school, every hero had one fatal flaw: hubris. However, for Kentucky, our fatal flaw in recent years has not been excessive pride, but an alarming lack thereof. That will happen when you’ve failed to beat your rival for over 20 years. Though confidence is intangible and thus impossible to carry in one’s toolbelt, it has certainly been lacking over the last few decades of Wildcat football. More recently, a belief that we can compete with the best has been apparent, and the results have been evident. That confidence must now continue to permeate the masses at Commonwealth—along with the Beam.

Six: Describe your team with a Jimmy Buffett song. No, we’re serious–do it.

Ok, Jimmy Buffett sucks and I’ve tried to put all of his songs out of my head so I’m going to stray a bit. [Might I recommend "Truckstop Salvation"?  --ed.] Kentucky’s 2008 team can be best represented by Jermaine Jackson’s “Let’s Get Serious”. After decades of living in the shadow of the greatest of all-time (UK basketball) Kentucky football has decided to get S-E-R-I-O-U-S and start acting like an SEC team. Finally free of the shackles of probation and equipped with facilities that actually give off the illusion of program in the finest conference in the land, Kentucky is ready to make a statement. Let’s just hope that they make that statement and don’t disappear into oblivion after peaking at #8 like Jermaine’s song did back in 1980.

Seven: We’re master wagerers. Give us a bet to place for up to ten dollars about your team.

Bet on power, respect, hustle, heart and dedication. Believe in blue. Bet on another bowl for the Cats.

For further serious reading on Kentucky, the Library of Congress recommends Kentucky Sports Radio, which is a blog, we think.