Welcome to the Iowa football ladies clinic everyone. Please, be seated. A few notes before we start.

First, I’d like to welcome everyone here today. We work really hard to make a program that everyone can be proud of here at Iowa, and though we’ve had our struggles like any team, we believe you can be proud of that. We’re your team, ladies, and you turning out to see us today and to participate in our clinic is a great compliment. We thank you.

Second, we will be engaging in some serious physical activity today, so note the water and gatorade stands along the back wall. There’s also some bite-size protein bars back there if you need ‘em, but go easy on them. They’re bulky and tend to speed things up, if you know what I mean.

Now. Most other programs like to take advantage of this opportunity to parade shirtless players around like pieces of meat. This is unfair, I think: not only does it cheapen the bodies our players work so hard to build, but it leaves the ladies wanting something more, I think, for their hard-earned dollar than a bunch of guys in their underwear posing suggestively. I don’t like it, and we won’t do it here at Iowa.

I tell you what we will do, though.

Today, we’re gonna give you the chance to fuck the Iowa Hawkeyes.

Now, if you’ll look around, you’ll notice the benches are covered with towels. We recommend you use them, since this is an athletic environment, and the last thing anyone needs here is a dose of MRSA. You’ve been issued Hawkeye lube tubes, each containing Astroglide, an offical sponsor of this clinic. Use them to prevent unpleasant chafing that might affect your performance.

These are elite athletes, ladies, so don’t be afraid to push them. Many of you have been married for decades now, and if you’re like most married people, a hearty nap and a DVD-accompanied buzz job from the Fukuoku 9000 is your sexual Happy Meal. I assure you, our boys are up to much, much more than that. Some of them already have children, in fact! Be sure to test their limits, because unless you’ve been going to Curves pretty religiously, you’ll wear out before they do.

The benches are reserved for simple crouch missionary, which we perform with both feet on the floor here in Iowa City. We believe in five points of contact: the feet, the hands on the bar or on the bench, and of course, the genitals. Technique is key: as the partner, make sure you practice reps with your back flat to the bench, and with just a hint of tuck-under at the apex of the rep. Work with intensity and speed, and we’ll see some results you’ll be happy with, lady Hawkeyes.

Also: female superior is recommended on these benches, as well. Gentlemen, though I know you like to show off, please avoid overarching the back. We need you strong on the field, not injured in training.

Mats on the floor are reserved for rear entry submissive. Remember to watch the knees, which can abrade during vigorous training, and to support your elbows with a good shoulder press to prevent sagging. If you’re not strong enough, employ the Nandi Plow mod, which our S&C coach Chris Doyle will be more than happy to demonstrate for those who need it.

For the more adventurous, we have Olympic cages, ropes, and pullup bars on the far side of the weight room. Remember: we encourage creative training, but also want you to be safe. For that purpose use the condoms provided in bowls around the room for your training.

Two things and then we’re ready!

First: Finish the drill, ladies. But keep it sanitary, if you know what I mean. We use plenty of bleach here already, and need your cooperation to keep our supplies bills down. In football terms: no hits to the head or upper chest, gentlemen!

Second: Gentlemen, I repeat: ASK PERMISSION. We’ve had issues with this in the past.

Okay, who wants to be the first proud superfan? Volunteers? Not all at once, okay? LET’S GO LADIES! Don’t just stand there looking at me! LET’S GO!