THE IOWA HAWKEYES LADIES' FOOTBALL CAMP

by Orson on Jul 22, 2008 11:25 AM EDT

Welcome to the Iowa football ladies clinic everyone. Please, be seated. A few notes before we start.

First, I'd like to welcome everyone here today. We work really hard to make a program that everyone can be proud of here at Iowa, and though we've had our struggles like any team, we believe you can be proud of that. We're your team, ladies, and you turning out to see us today and to participate in our clinic is a great compliment. We thank you.

Second, we will be engaging in some serious physical activity today, so note the water and gatorade stands along the back wall. There's also some bite-size protein bars back there if you need 'em, but go easy on them. They're bulky and tend to speed things up, if you know what I mean.

Now. Most other programs like to take advantage of this opportunity to parade shirtless players around like pieces of meat. This is unfair, I think: not only does it cheapen the bodies our players work so hard to build, but it leaves the ladies wanting something more, I think, for their hard-earned dollar than a bunch of guys in their underwear posing suggestively. I don't like it, and we won't do it here at Iowa.

I tell you what we will do, though.

Today, we're gonna give you the chance to fuck the Iowa Hawkeyes.

Now, if you'll look around, you'll notice the benches are covered with towels. We recommend you use them, since this is an athletic environment, and the last thing anyone needs here is a dose of MRSA. You've been issued Hawkeye lube tubes, each containing Astroglide, an offical sponsor of this clinic. Use them to prevent unpleasant chafing that might affect your performance.

These are elite athletes, ladies, so don't be afraid to push them. Many of you have been married for decades now, and if you're like most married people, a hearty nap and a DVD-accompanied buzz job from the Fukuoku 9000 is your sexual Happy Meal. I assure you, our boys are up to much, much more than that. Some of them already have children, in fact! Be sure to test their limits, because unless you've been going to Curves pretty religiously, you'll wear out before they do.

The benches are reserved for simple crouch missionary, which we perform with both feet on the floor here in Iowa City. We believe in five points of contact: the feet, the hands on the bar or on the bench, and of course, the genitals. Technique is key: as the partner, make sure you practice reps with your back flat to the bench, and with just a hint of tuck-under at the apex of the rep. Work with intensity and speed, and we'll see some results you'll be happy with, lady Hawkeyes.

Also: female superior is recommended on these benches, as well. Gentlemen, though I know you like to show off, please avoid overarching the back. We need you strong on the field, not injured in training.

Mats on the floor are reserved for rear entry submissive. Remember to watch the knees, which can abrade during vigorous training, and to support your elbows with a good shoulder press to prevent sagging. If you're not strong enough, employ the Nandi Plow mod, which our S&C coach Chris Doyle will be more than happy to demonstrate for those who need it.

For the more adventurous, we have Olympic cages, ropes, and pullup bars on the far side of the weight room. Remember: we encourage creative training, but also want you to be safe. For that purpose use the condoms provided in bowls around the room for your training.

Two things and then we're ready!

First: Finish the drill, ladies. But keep it sanitary, if you know what I mean. We use plenty of bleach here already, and need your cooperation to keep our supplies bills down. In football terms: no hits to the head or upper chest, gentlemen!

Second: Gentlemen, I repeat: ASK PERMISSION. We've had issues with this in the past.

Okay, who wants to be the first proud superfan? Volunteers? Not all at once, okay? LET'S GO LADIES! Don't just stand there looking at me! LET'S GO!

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Comments

I actually gasped when I clicked to the jump.

+100 to you sir

by mlmintampa on Jul 22, 2008 11:31 AM EDT reply actions

Well, that’s one way to support your alma mater.

by blon57 on Jul 22, 2008 11:31 AM EDT reply actions

Holy fucking sheeeeeee-it, Orson.

by Bobby Decatur on Jul 22, 2008 11:32 AM EDT reply actions

Well….done….sir.

by Geaux Irish on Jul 22, 2008 11:32 AM EDT reply actions

No words.

Other than to suggest that you, too, might be called in to testify at Iowa after this. Nice job O.

by Astro on Jul 22, 2008 11:32 AM EDT reply actions

Wow.

by spartanmike on Jul 22, 2008 11:34 AM EDT reply actions

Kirk Ferentz’s last-ditch effort to save his job, exhibit A.

by Digital Headbutt on Jul 22, 2008 11:35 AM EDT reply actions

(hurls)

by Digital Headbutt on Jul 22, 2008 11:36 AM EDT reply actions

Something about this strikes me as a little bit past the line.

by wooderson on Jul 22, 2008 11:36 AM EDT reply actions

Filed under: “wrong doesn’t describe our wrongness.”

Should also be filed under: “when photoshops would get us arrested.”

by dudis41 on Jul 22, 2008 11:38 AM EDT reply actions

Fantastic

by Rob on Jul 22, 2008 11:38 AM EDT reply actions

Mr. Swift would be proud. Great job.

I’m most distrubed by the last two sentences.

by Ryno on Jul 22, 2008 11:42 AM EDT reply actions

Hey, Kirk insisted that permission was required before the fucking could begin, so I think the message here is: lesson learned.

Awesome parody, by the way.

by Biggus Rickus on Jul 22, 2008 11:48 AM EDT reply actions

OOOOOOOOHHH MYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

by Mick Hubert on Jul 22, 2008 11:54 AM EDT reply actions

This post has renewed my faith in the internet.

by Dr. StrangeCock on Jul 22, 2008 11:55 AM EDT reply actions

Yuck.

by The Conscience of a Nation on Jul 22, 2008 11:59 AM EDT reply actions

I just looked again at the picture that ran with story. Does the black player have a chain around his neck? And he is walking through a gaggle of white women provocatively attentive? And I’m guessing it is an SEC school, i.e. deep southern part of the U.S.?

Politically incorrect doesn’t even start to describe that scene.

by blon57 on Jul 22, 2008 12:01 PM EDT reply actions

He thure is well built for a Wide Retheiver.

by OMAR on Jul 22, 2008 12:02 PM EDT reply actions

(slowly shakes head)
…
(starts laughing hysterically)

I’ve already accepted the fact that I’m going to hell. I might as well enjoy myself on the trip. I can only hope that there’s a Wisconsin MMA camp follow-up.

by White Speed Recieiver on Jul 22, 2008 12:03 PM EDT reply actions

#17…yes, on closer inspection, this is disturbing.

Supposedly this picture is from Clemson’s recent “Ladies Clinic.” But it could just as easily be a scene from the Clemson Community Theatre’s production of “Mandingo.”

by Dr. StrangeCock on Jul 22, 2008 12:04 PM EDT reply actions

blon:

It’s Clemson, close enough.

by dudis41 on Jul 22, 2008 12:05 PM EDT reply actions

- that has to be an SEC school. Those shades of orange don’t come far out of the South.

100 cocktails to you, Orson. Jesus, that was funny.

by Signal to Noise on Jul 22, 2008 12:05 PM EDT reply actions

Well, Ill be avoiding the bench press today at the gym…

by Bunie Perkins on Jul 22, 2008 12:07 PM EDT reply actions

and #21 — I thought it was Clemson, but wasn’t sure. Damn — chain around neck, students busted for blackface….man, oh man, that’s a bucket of politically incorrect right there.

by Signal to Noise on Jul 22, 2008 12:07 PM EDT reply actions

I’m thinking with the purple circle and orange tiger paw on the floor that’s “Clempson”

by The Deuce on Jul 22, 2008 12:07 PM EDT reply actions

100 cocktails just don’t cut it. 1,000, just barely. I laughed ’til I cried.

by jed on Jul 22, 2008 12:10 PM EDT reply actions

Orson, in the extremely unlikely event that Iowa plays in the Chik-Fil-A Bowl this year, I have a sneaking suspicion you won’t be invited to the Hawkeye Huddle.

by Oops Pow Surprise on Jul 22, 2008 12:11 PM EDT reply actions

#16

Yuk is right. I have a couple of friends (female) that attended a few of these and they told me what went on. Coaches must think women attend games just to ogle young, well-built men.

by blon57 on Jul 22, 2008 12:13 PM EDT reply actions

I should be horrified . . . no, OK, I am horrified. But also richly and robustly entertained. That’s OK, right?

by Doug on Jul 22, 2008 12:15 PM EDT reply actions

Remeber, rape is no laughing matter. Unless you’re raping a clown.

by AlanInDC on Jul 22, 2008 12:16 PM EDT reply actions

blon57 – have you ever hung around the ladies… website. It’s of the similar ilk.

by Ryno on Jul 22, 2008 12:17 PM EDT reply actions

I didn’t even need to read past the title for Awesome.

by Allahver Fist on Jul 22, 2008 12:24 PM EDT reply actions

Just to be fair to both sexes there shold be the same thing for heterosexual men to be able to go to a cheerleading camp to see cheerleaders walk around topless.

Oh, I forgot that there is already are places where one can see cheerleaders topless, porn films and strip clubs.

by Anonymous IV on Jul 22, 2008 12:49 PM EDT reply actions

When I read this part:

Now. Most other programs like to take advantage of this opportunity to parade shirtless players around like pieces of meat. This is unfair,

I had a totally different thought as to where Orson was going to go with it. I figured he would pull out Title IX and say that if the men have to take off their shirts and parade around, so should the ladies.

I underestimated Orson. Little did I know he would just take it to the extreme and go Debbie Does Dallas on us.

by Geaux Irish on Jul 22, 2008 12:53 PM EDT reply actions

I don’t see how this isn’t win – win for Iowa. Reduces the level of effort on covering up sexual assault, provides a change of pace from the pool boys for the lady boosters, and generates some residual income for the Athletic Department from the Cornfield Cougars and Midwest MILFs website.

After all, the middle aged husbands at home with the off-season package of Viagra and Barely Legal need to be able to live the full football fantasy, not just the part where they dream of being Joe Quarterback on the field. What better way than to see the missus working the end-around?

by DC Trojan on Jul 22, 2008 1:05 PM EDT reply actions

@ 17&20…..

You DO see the white boys in front of the black guy, don’t you?

And young black men have been known to wear chains, haven’t they?

Perhaps you’re blinded in your rush to find something “disturbing” or non-PC.

by Cannibal Sativa on Jul 22, 2008 1:20 PM EDT reply actions

And, DCT….

I hope you’ve trademarked Cornfield Cougars and Midwest Milfs already, before someone makes a fortune with similarly named porn sites.

by Cannibal Sativa on Jul 22, 2008 1:23 PM EDT reply actions

In related news, Va Tech enters the male show-off market…

http://withleather.uproxx.com/post.phtml?pk=6420

by Geaux Irish on Jul 22, 2008 1:28 PM EDT reply actions

#38-“We try to get these ladies so they can talk a little football, get up in the stands and say some things that would impress the men,” said head coach Frank Beamer.

That’s exactly why women are interested in football… to impress men. Please.

by blon57 on Jul 22, 2008 2:00 PM EDT reply actions

So f-ing funny.

by brenda on Jul 22, 2008 2:07 PM EDT reply actions

blon57,

You have to understand. Half of our feigned interests are designed to impress women, so we just assume you ladies do the same.

by Biggus Rickus on Jul 22, 2008 2:12 PM EDT reply actions

Boy Orson, any fear I had that I had you were starting to go soft after “A Word, Please” went out the window with that.

by John on Jul 22, 2008 2:21 PM EDT reply actions

#41

Only half?

by blon57 on Jul 22, 2008 2:36 PM EDT reply actions

blon,

The other half are split between our colleagues, bosses and possibly fathers. Though the number dedicated specifically to impressing women can exceed 50% depending on the man in question.

by Biggus Rickus on Jul 22, 2008 2:45 PM EDT reply actions