SNAFU’D
Apologies–EDSBS Live must wait due to technical difficulties. Back in force next week.
July 22, 2008
COUNTDOWN: 37
Hide not your talents. They for use were made. What’s a sundial in the shade?
R.I.P., ESTELLE GETTY: GAME RESPECTS GAME.
Nothing is more gangsta than a tough old woman, a maxim that if accepted means The Golden Girls? Like Escobar quadrupled, those ladies.
Thus we pour out a bottle of our finest for our homegirl and pimpette Estelle Getty, who died today. We’ll mourn ya till we join ya, playa. In the meantime, we’ve always got the remixed Estelle Getty workout video to remember you by.
VISITING LECTURER: KENTUCKY
Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Evan and Thomas from something called Kentucky Sports Radio. Below, their bullet-point primer of the Mildcats. Do enjoy.
One: what color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
We would say black, as in our program is perpetually falling in a never-ending black hole of despair, but black’s a shade, not a color. Or black is every color. Or black is the absence of color…
Anyway, I guess black can also be associated with goth, or to a lesser extent, emo. Maybe we’re just trying to act out just enough to get noticed. The last two seasons were our rebellious years; we trudged away from our normal role of folding late in games and actually beat teams. Some even convincingly!
Thus, we’ve sold our tight girl-jeans to Plato’s Closet and picked up some more traditional clothing, and we may even stop slashing our wrists a bit. We’ve succumbed to the norm, and have decided to actually look like a football team. Instead of allowing the Devery Henderson’s of the world to slip behind our defensive secondary, we’re chopping Charles Scott at the line of scrimmage on fourth down and the game on the line. Will it take? We hope so. Jet-black hair dye is expensive.
Two: What historical nation and period do you resemble most right now?
Um, wow. So we’re guessing the first two questions are here for us to flex our intellectual muscles, huh? We’re severely lacking in that department
To answer the question, though, we’d say we are in a stage similar to that of colonial America. See, the traditional SEC powers are the Brits: all-controlling, mean, brutal, and unforgiving. We are merely peasants, looking for someone or something to rally around. That “thing” is the LSU upset last year, or, our Boston Tea Party. That “person” is Rich Brooks. He is our Paul Revere, our Ben Franklin, our Thomas Jefferson. Plus, he seems fairly close to those folks in age.
We are in the midst of our own uprising. No one thinks it possible but us. With all due respect (well, none I guess) to Ole Miss, at this time, we are the rebels.
Had a little coachy named Paul Revere…
ATTN: TALK RADIO: THIS IS NOT REAL.
To avoid a repeat of the Sam Bradford/cocaine/fake webpage debacle that sent lawsuits flying, we’ll put this disclaimer up for the benefit of talk radio.
THIS IS NOT REAL IT IS A SATIRE AND NO THAT IS NOT REAL IT IS A JOKE.
Okay, now. Enjoy that charming mock-up of an article that, if you hold onto it for fifteen years or so, will make for easy filing for some happy stringer. But pity Bowden not: not only was he one of the two or three finest football coaches of his generation, he also got away with a life of thievery, lies, and hamburglary scot-free. Want proof? Your honor, we call on Youtube.
Once more for talk radio: BOBBY BOWDEN NOT HAMBURGLAR!!! GO TALK ABOUT FARVREVERRERE.
ADVENTURES IN TIME WITH L’IL RED
It was just an ordinary day on the plains of Nebraska…
…when suddenly our hero, L’il Red, fell into that darned old wormhole yet again…
SCHNELLENBERGER INVADES PHILIPPINES, SUN BELT
That’s Howard Schnellenberger. He freed the Philippines and busted Chinese heads in Korea while you were just bad theory, son. He built a steam engine that ran on his own sweat, strapped it to some oil barrels, and made dolphins waterski behind him. He’s seen more life in the past year than you’ll see in eighty. We should also mention that he’s 247 years old and just push jerked 350 pounds while having a casual phone conversation with his close personal friend Otto von Bismarck this morning? Yeah, Bismarck’s dead and “that’s impossible!” but it’s limited thinking like that that keeps you a slave to your own mediocrity, sir.
The Dapper Don’s FAU Owls are picked first in the Sun Belt for 2008. Second place will be occupied by no team, and will instead be claimed by a rotating pair of suspenders taken from Schnelly’s closet. Third place will be left blank out of respect…and fear.
You know the “owls” refers to “burrowing owls,” right? No? Jumping Jesus on a pogo stick! Everyone knows a burrowing owl lives in a hole in the ground… (more…)
THE IOWA HAWKEYES LADIES’ FOOTBALL CAMP
Welcome to the Iowa football ladies clinic everyone. Please, be seated. A few notes before we start.
First, I’d like to welcome everyone here today. We work really hard to make a program that everyone can be proud of here at Iowa, and though we’ve had our struggles like any team, we believe you can be proud of that. We’re your team, ladies, and you turning out to see us today and to participate in our clinic is a great compliment. We thank you.
Second, we will be engaging in some serious physical activity today, so note the water and gatorade stands along the back wall. There’s also some bite-size protein bars back there if you need ‘em, but go easy on them. They’re bulky and tend to speed things up, if you know what I mean.
Now. Most other programs like to take advantage of this opportunity to parade shirtless players around like pieces of meat. This is unfair, I think: not only does it cheapen the bodies our players work so hard to build, but it leaves the ladies wanting something more, I think, for their hard-earned dollar than a bunch of guys in their underwear posing suggestively. I don’t like it, and we won’t do it here at Iowa.
I tell you what we will do, though.
CURIOUS INDEX, 7/22/2008
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We, for ourselves, welcome our new quote overlord Les Miles. From the Wiz: Les Miles takes the Spurrier crown for pithy press conference pissantry. There was no question the attendees still bask in last November’s victory over former LSU head coach and Tide boss Nick Saban, and Miles brought down the house when he urged the faithful “not to make too much of that game as it seems like a lot of teams in Louisiana beat that team,” referencing Alabama’s shocking subsequent loss to Louisiana-Monroe.
I hate you. No, you can’t hear why I do. George O’Leary and the rest of the UCF football staff aren’t talking to the Orlando Sentinel, citing “inaccuracies” in the paper’s coverage of Ereck Plancher’s death. Which ones? O’Leary won’t say, which is a neat trick scammed from the angry preschooler playbook. Nappies and some time with Dora the Explorer required immediately. Pretty soon, he’s gettin’ a Flowbee so he doesn’t have to worry about haircuts, neither. Al Groh likes the ACC’s move to provide suggested biweekly injury reports. Why? Because it saves you bugging his ass, of course. “I don’t have any problem with it,” says Virginia coach Al Groh. “That means I don’t have to answer those stupid questions during the week.” Al Groh, of course, has always hated football, and is the guy in all commercials who really is tired of the simple task a superfluous gadget can save you the trouble of doing. Our colleague Dave Curtis dittoes calls for Ferentz’s resignation, though he’s skeptical; given the pattern thus far at Iowa, what makes anyone think Ferentz won’t get the chance to plausibly deny and then coach the upoming season? It’s never too early to enrage your opponent.A sport for all seasons, really: Notre Dame commit Cierre Wood is already taunting his future rivals from the comfort of a high school. “We are going to be good and Notre Dame football will be back. And I guarantee that we will beat USC the next three years.” Rey heard that. Fake your own death immediately. There’s ways, you know, of doing these things. |
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