PEPPER THE NOTRE DAME COMEBACK DOLPHIN
Charlie Weis thrashes in his dreams on a hot night in South Bend, Indiana.
CW: No, no…stop saying that! STOP SAYING THAT!!!
Weis bolts up in bed, sitting up and fully awake.
Mrs CW: You all right, honey?
CW: It’s horrible. Just horrible. He won’t stop talking. He just keep saying “Wake up the echoes!” and “Foam shillelaghs for everyone!” And he speaks in this voice…
Mrs. CW: You’re just working too hard, honey. It’s just a dream.
CW: …it sounds like he’s underwater. And he’s…British. I don’t get it.
Mrs. CW: Why don’t you go downstairs and have a glass of milk, honey. That’ll help.
CW: I’ll…I’ll do that. I’ll be back.
Charlie Weis pads down the stairs in his shorts. He opens the fridge; its white lights casts an unearthly pallor over the kitchen tiles.
CW: Milk, my ass…let’s see where I put that sandwich…
Pepper, the Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin: ‘Allo there, guv’nah!
CW: OH SWEET JESUS AAAAAAIIIIIGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!
Charlie drops his sandwich and runs into the bathroom. He slips on his Notre Dame sweatshorts and windbreaker top hurriedly, jumps in his car, and speeds to McDonald’s.
CW: Just some coffee…yeah, it’s late enough to start working…I’ll just get in a few hours…let my thoughts clear up…have I looked at Michigan’s tape lately? Anything new? I’m thinking about a few slants, then a draw, then sluggo to the weak side, then I’ll start out the second half running toss sweeps…yeah, that’s it Charlie….
McDonald’s employee: May I help you?
CW: Just a large coffee. That’s all I’m getting, thanks.
EMP: Would you like to try our new EggMcMuffin bites for just 99 cents?
CW: (sigh.)
Charlie drives around.
EMP: That’s one order of EggMcMuffin bites and a large coffee. That’ll be $2.79…COACH WEIS!!!
CW: Hey, how ya doin’? Good to see ya this morning….
CW: AAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!
Pepper: Charlie WAKE UP THE ECHOES it’s comeback time Charlie national championships lesssgo NBC is waitin’ guvnah Jimmy Clausen eight Heismans beat USC I have foam shillelaghs for everyone, Charlie! SHILLELAGHS FOR EVERYONE!!!
Emp: Coach, I…
Charlie peels out of the parking lot and drives at eighty-five miles an hour to the Notre Dame football offices.
CW: Okay….just some…yes. I just need some work. I’ll check out the voluntary workouts. Yes, that’s exactly what I’ll do. Ah, the practice field, where it all goes away. It’s just about football here. Just about football…
Assistants: Coach, you feelin’ all right?
Weis: I gotta talk to someone about this. Someone I can trust.
Weis walks across campus to the chapel and finds Father Thomas, who for some reason looks a lot like a Greek Orthodox priest, but isn’t actually, and let’s see you try to find a confessional photo on the fly with just the right angles for a proper piece of farkery, eh?
Weis: Father, I’m seeing things. I don’t know what’s happening, but I keep seeing a dolphin in a blue tuxedo with a green shirt and bowtie. He sounds like he’s talking underwater, and he won’t stop talking about our football season in unreasonable terms. He’s…he’s…
The priest looks shaken, but unsurprised.
Father Thomas: My son, I fear you are not alone in this. Others, before, have heard him too.
Weis: Then Father, what do I–
Father Thomas: Oh, Holtz still talks to him. I’d just–
Weis: NO! NO NO NO NO OH GOD NO!!!!
Pepper: Allo, Charlie!
Weis: NOOoooooooooooo…..
Weis runs at a slow, labored trot out of the church. Puzzled bystanders watch as Weis gets in the nearest administration golf cart.
ND Administrator: You’ll have to sign for that, Charlie!
Weis drives himself to the office of Dr. Oliver Fallon, respected local psychiatrist.
Weis: Doc, I don’t know if I’m even making sense anymore…
Dr. Fallon: Now, now. Let’s just get you to lie down here and we’ll see what is happening, Coach. Stress puts a strain on all of us, and we all react in very different, often surprising ways.
Weis: I just…I just…
Dr. Fallon: There, there. Just get comfortable. Now we’re going to do something I like to do with my patients to get them relaxed and ready to talk about their feelings and what’s going on Charlie.
Weis: Okay, okay. I’m…ready.
Dr. Fallon: Very good. Now look into the spinning disc. Now, just listen to the tone of my voice, Charlie. Just the tones, the relaxing, even tones. Feel your weight sink into the couch. It should feel like you’re sinking into the earth, like all the weight of the world is just falling away from you, like the stress and anxiety of the day is just washing away from you like the tide, Charlie. Now look at the disc and tell me what you see, Charlie?
Weis: I see…NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!
Dr. Fallon hits the intercom. BEEP!
Nurse: Yes, Dr. Fallon?
Dr. Fallon: We’re gonna need the Willingham cocktail in here. A full dose and a half. STAT.
Nurse: With the Thorazine, sir?
Weis (screaming): The bowtie! WHY DOES HE HAVE A BOWTIE!!!
Dr. Fallon: Oh, yes. And be a dear and bring the taser just in case, will you?
Nurse: Of course, Dr. Fallon.
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1
Pirate Petey says:
slow.clap.clap.clap.clap
Bra-fucking-vo
July 21st, 2008 at 10:19 am
2
Rob says:
Oh wow
July 21st, 2008 at 10:21 am
3
UFJim says:
lol @ this
also, “notre dame” and “comeback” is something is still mildly unbelieveable to me
July 21st, 2008 at 10:22 am
4
sonofsamford says:
Pennywise fears Pepper.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:26 am
5
PeteJayhawk says:
Weis wears that damned headset when he’s giving Mrs. Weis the business.
Break out the mindbleach.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:31 am
6
Oops Pow Surprise says:
That last “Freudian issues” killed me.
As did everything else.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:35 am
7
Digital Headbutt says:
The headset never, ever comes off. Coach Weis must be prepared for battle at all times.
Also, it makes a great place to secretly store and sip beer.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:37 am
8
sonofsamford says:
#5
He’s been sporting those since that Sham-Wow infomercial went on full rotation.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:39 am
9
Sherlock's sidekick says:
Charlie’s lost a lot of weight in that picture. There should be several layers and the stomach should hang at least a foot below the waste. Plus, I expect he has genuine DDD breasts.
July 21st, 2008 at 10:39 am
10
Erdinger says:
this is the funniest thing i’ve ever seen on EDSBS
July 21st, 2008 at 10:43 am
11
Digital Headbutt says:
#8: Charlie needs less sleaze and more eye-twitching.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:00 am
12
PW says:
I can help but worry, given ND’s recent shittiness, that it won’t be long before Weis goes the way of Ryan Perriloux, Marques Slocum, and The Orgeron. What will we do then?
July 21st, 2008 at 11:03 am
13
Atlantadomer says:
Tommy Kilborne would like to remind Pepper to “act like we’ve been here before” when ND goes 12-0.
Something also tells me that the Willingham cocktail would be manufactured by Callaway or Nike Golf and not Pfizer.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:08 am
14
yoyofutbawl says:
Is there a Nobel Prize for trashing ND? There should be.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:17 am
15
Mr. Pelican Pants says:
I imagine Pepper to have the accent of a Charles Dickens street urchin……
July 21st, 2008 at 11:28 am
16
sullivan013 says:
Funny, the voice I imagined was Eric Idle, stuck up on a cross alongside of Brian at the end of “Life of Brian”,
“Aw, Cheer up Charlie!”
“Some things in life are bad
They can really make you mad
Other things just make you swear and curse.
When you’re chewing on life’s gristle
Don’t grumble, give a whistle
And this’ll help things turn out for the best…”
July 21st, 2008 at 11:46 am
17
Brian O'Blivion says:
13 – I’m not sure what was funnier, that Tommy Kilborne letter, or the commenters who thought he was a real Domer fan.
July 21st, 2008 at 12:10 pm
18
Kenny says:
Regis wants us all to win …
July 21st, 2008 at 12:59 pm
19
mobboss says:
Man, Tah-noo-tah would kill that dolphin; or, alternatively, train it into a f*ck dolphin, you know, whichever.
July 21st, 2008 at 2:16 pm
20
NDEddieMac says:
@17: I get the joke, but I dont care, fucking hilarious Orson. Long live Pepper the Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin
July 21st, 2008 at 3:23 pm
21
I'm Loling says:
This is the funniest thing on here since Tuberville chop-blocked Osama.
July 21st, 2008 at 3:29 pm
22
VandyJ says:
further proof, if any were needed, that LSUfreek is America’s greatest treasure. Although I would hate to see what kind of clowns came to his birthday party as a child…
July 21st, 2008 at 5:56 pm
23
Year2-Dave says:
This all reminds me of the Charlie the Unicorn videos on YouTube.
“Oh when you’re down and looking for some cheering up
Just head right on up to the Candy Mountain cave…”
July 21st, 2008 at 6:21 pm
24
socalbryan says:
Well done sirs, well done.
July 21st, 2008 at 11:47 pm
25
JTG says:
UFJim @ #3, that’s because last time I recall that we played Florida, we started off kicking your ass early and never let up, so a comeback was totally unnecessary.
Yes, I realize that was now 16 years ago.
And I do bow to the greatness of Pepper, the Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin, and can’t understand why I can’t buy any of his shirts in the ND Bookstore!
July 22nd, 2008 at 1:52 am
26
Subway Domer says:
Holy Christ!
Am I a bad Catholic and Irish fan if I just pissed myself in laughter?
Thank Luther I’m not Catholic.
July 22nd, 2008 at 8:24 am
27
al-d says:
@25
funny i remember the gators being up as late as the third quarter and something like 13-0 at the half and moving the ball at will between the twenties (before kicking like 5 fgs) before losing our top two tacklers to injury and being incapable of stopping the run the last quarter and a half.
July 22nd, 2008 at 2:09 pm