FULMER CUPDATE: HALF-NAKED WON'T CUT IT HERE
by Orson on Jul 21, 2008 3:21 PM EDT
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PrintThis week's big board was put together by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F'n Nelson. We know this because, like the Ohio State Buckeyes, we meet regularly in our communal showers to discuss important matters.
It may be hard to notice or believe, what with the ugliness of a potentially regime-crashing scandal unfolding at Iowa, but a recruit displayed the kind of white-guy speed we only expect from Iowa football players and the occasional meth addict. In the case of the meth addict, we mean the kind of agility and speed one can only have bestowed on you by the power of a police helicopter lighting you at night in a high-speed foot chase.
Riley Reiff, who doesn't have the requisite barbed-wire bicep wreath yet but assuredly will in keeping with Iowa Honkie Lightning Bolt standards, led eight policemen on a 20 minute chase on foot while "half-naked." The article mentions the eight policemen to set up a Keystone Kops vibe, since if there is a God in Heaven this whole thing happened in double time to ragtime piano music.
Reiff proved to have a sense of humor once caught, since after causing mayhem in the kitchen of the Pita Pit and zipping around the entire city al fresco en parto, he refused a breathalyzer test, ostensibly because he found the request beyond reason and thus funny. Me? Drunk? How dare you sir! Where are my pants?
Reiff was an incoming freshman, though, and thus technically not eligible for points. It bears mention, though, because it is awesome and awesomely mentionable.
Arr! Say ahoy to me fist! ECU scores three points off an assault with serious injury charge. The victim was found in the street, meaning that if this did start in a bar, the answer to "How well did the victim follow Chuck Liddell's Barfighting tips?" is "Not well at all, sir."
Addendum: As for our likely winner going into the final month of competition, well...
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Riley Reiff – the definition of comedic release amidst a tragedy… and the fact I know that proves I retained knowledge gained from copying from the hot chick with black ring glasses that sat next to me in Eng. 101
by beckett on Jul 21, 2008 3:29 PM EDT reply actions
I think a larger question with the Reiff story is – “If a d-line man can outrun cops in Iowa for 20 minutes, why isnt Noel Devine totally ransacking the place?”
by beckett on Jul 21, 2008 3:32 PM EDT reply actions
I know they’re not a BCS conference, but C-USA still counts in the Fulmer Cup dammit.
by Brian O'Blivion on Jul 21, 2008 3:32 PM EDT reply actions
I counter your addendum with the following alternate suggestion- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYG1O6Okxvc
by Way Up North on Jul 21, 2008 3:37 PM EDT reply actions
Was Riley Reiff enrolled? If he was, then maybe points should count. If he just moved in to get ready for the next semester then no points. Inquiring minds want to know.
by Crabapple Buck on Jul 21, 2008 3:38 PM EDT reply actions
Just one man’s opinion, but if he ain’t high school, he’s university. The half-naked points should count.
by spartanmike on Jul 21, 2008 3:41 PM EDT reply actions
i can’t think of many more overrated musicians that neil young.
by gerry dorsey on Jul 21, 2008 3:42 PM EDT reply actions
-1 to the first “no homo” joke.
/realizes this isn’t Deadspin.
//Shit!
///gives up
////shits pants
by The Song of Hiawatha Francisco on Jul 21, 2008 3:44 PM EDT reply actions
Did he enroll early (spring semister or summer sessions)? If so they should count. If he’s only there awaiting the start of football practice and not officially enrolled, then I think he got away without FC points.
by NavyHusker on Jul 21, 2008 3:45 PM EDT reply actions
Neil Young is not overrated. You’re overrated!
by carlinthemarlin on Jul 21, 2008 3:47 PM EDT reply actions
From the article…“Kirk and his staff have worked extremely hard throughout the summer setting a tone and laying out expectations,” Barta wrote.
Well that explains everything, doesn’t it? Riley Reiff was just living up to his coach’s expectations.
by blon57 on Jul 21, 2008 3:50 PM EDT reply actions
Saw Neil Young at Farm Aid in 2001.
He introduced one of his new songs by saying:
“This is a new song I wrote about a month ago and some guy that works for me told me you can find it on my website. I don’t know – go home and check it out if you’re bored or something.”
Awesome.
by Ryno on Jul 21, 2008 3:53 PM EDT reply actions
#11:
In all fairness, Minnesota’s defense is less organized than the kitchen at Pita Pit.
by Ryno on Jul 21, 2008 3:54 PM EDT reply actions
ahem
Orson, that was supposed to be our little secret.
by Brian who is hung like Reggie F'n Nelson on Jul 21, 2008 4:01 PM EDT reply actions
“displayed the kind of white-guy speed we only expect from Iowa football players and the occasional meth addict”
And the occasional slighted EDSBS commenter, sir.
by White Speed Recieiver on Jul 21, 2008 4:03 PM EDT reply actions
“Me? Drunk? How dare you sir! Where are my pants? "
If I had a dollar…..
by GamecockTony on Jul 21, 2008 4:05 PM EDT reply actions
Evidently Mr. Reiff has spent the summer breaking down old Benny Hill tapes instead of opposing Big 10 defensive films.
by Chips O'Toole on Jul 21, 2008 4:14 PM EDT reply actions
The playing of this is bound to cause another band to write a multi-million selling song that will be in every movie soundtrack and compilation album for the next 20 years. Kid Rock thanks you in advance.
Subject change – I just watched the first ten minutes of College Football Live. Brent Musburger sucked something awful. He’s bad enough as a play-by-play guy but as a host he’s just plain bad. The speed questions with Tebow were making me turn away for fear of embarrassment… and I was in my living room.
They should get Tebow to circumcise him.
by Picture Me Rollin on Jul 21, 2008 4:17 PM EDT reply actions
“Neil Young is not overrated. Youre overrated!”
wow…consider me proven wrong. thanks carlin the marlin.
by gerry dorsey on Jul 21, 2008 4:20 PM EDT reply actions
Neil Young is, in fact, overrated. 105,000 Google hits can’t be wrong.
Number of Google hits is hereby proof of whatever you want. Number of Google hits for “Number of Google Hits” = 605,000. Wormholes.
by Brian O'Blivion on Jul 21, 2008 4:34 PM EDT reply actions
What does it say about Div-1 football teams these days when a mere four points cemented you a place in the Top 10 in 2006? You now need two to three acts of mindless (i.e. drunken) stupidity or one truly heinous act to even get on the big board.
Is this a trend or are we just the results of paying attention more carefully?
by Sean F on Jul 21, 2008 4:42 PM EDT reply actions
P.S. – Who’s the guy in the upper right hand corner of the big board?
by Sean F on Jul 21, 2008 5:07 PM EDT reply actions
what’sa matter? don’t you recognize me?
by Midget in a Suitcase on Jul 21, 2008 5:21 PM EDT reply actions
A southern man don’t need him around anyhow.
by Etch Westgrin on Jul 21, 2008 5:48 PM EDT reply actions
Pretty sure all the freshman have reported to Summer B at Florida. If they did something now, it should count. So… I’m assuming this guy was enrolled in the summer semester, so it should count too.
by Chris on Jul 21, 2008 6:53 PM EDT reply actions
- - Jimmy Johns, Alabama’s coke dealer who earned the Tide the bulk of its points.
by Year2-Dave on Jul 21, 2008 7:30 PM EDT reply actions
#22
I’m thinking that the first year of the Fulmer Cup was much like the early poll-era championhships. No one paid attention to anyone but the regional teams and voted everything outside the top five as a random draw.
Looking back (yes… I delve into the archives quite often) it looks like EDSBS’s readership was less-than-vigilant in that first year when Marshall took the title with
15 points. It’s a lot like claiming a national championship before the forward pass was deemed legal.
by CincySooner on Jul 21, 2008 10:47 PM EDT reply actions
Some unprocessed points still …
http://www.sportsargumentwiki.com/index.php?title=Fulmer_Cup_Processing_Station
A couple of teams could shuffle into the leaderboard. Mississippi Stat is due 2 to put it at 11 and Louisville’s dui/weed/license/concealed weapon — 7? — could shuffle the whole bottom of the ten.
by statprof on Jul 22, 2008 2:35 AM EDT reply actions
It is time to throw over the remaining cards, “What’s My Line” style, and award the 2008 Fulmer Cup championship to Alabama. You know they’re going to claim the title no matter what, anyway.
by Daniel on Jul 22, 2008 9:05 AM EDT reply actions
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