This week’s big board was put together by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson. We know this because, like the Ohio State Buckeyes, we meet regularly in our communal showers to discuss important matters.

It may be hard to notice or believe, what with the ugliness of a potentially regime-crashing scandal unfolding at Iowa, but a recruit displayed the kind of white-guy speed we only expect from Iowa football players and the occasional meth addict. In the case of the meth addict, we mean the kind of agility and speed one can only have bestowed on you by the power of a police helicopter lighting you at night in a high-speed foot chase.

Riley Reiff, who doesn’t have the requisite barbed-wire bicep wreath yet but assuredly will in keeping with Iowa Honkie Lightning Bolt standards, led eight policemen on a 20 minute chase on foot while “half-naked.” The article mentions the eight policemen to set up a Keystone Kops vibe, since if there is a God in Heaven this whole thing happened in double time to ragtime piano music.

Reiff proved to have a sense of humor once caught, since after causing mayhem in the kitchen of the Pita Pit and zipping around the entire city al fresco en parto, he refused a breathalyzer test, ostensibly because he found the request beyond reason and thus funny. Me? Drunk? How dare you sir! Where are my pants?

Reiff was an incoming freshman, though, and thus technically not eligible for points. It bears mention, though, because it is awesome and awesomely mentionable.

Arr! Say ahoy to me fist! ECU scores three points off an assault with serious injury charge. The victim was found in the street, meaning that if this did start in a bar, the answer to “How well did the victim follow Chuck Liddell’s Barfighting tips?” is “Not well at all, sir.”

Addendum: As for our likely winner going into the final month of competition, well…