“What to do if you find yourself stuck with no hope of rescue: Consider yourself lucky that life has been good to you so far. Alternatively, if life hasn’t been good to you so far, which given your present circumstances seems more likely, consider yourself lucky that it won’t be troubling you much longer.”
Where The Humanitarian ventures, we follow, although we’re not entirely sure what “living peace” entails. Your suggestions welcome below, but we suspect this is involved:
This week’s big board was put together by Brian, who is hung like Reggie F’n Nelson. We know this because, like the Ohio State Buckeyes, we meet regularly in our communal showers to discuss important matters.
It may be hard to notice or believe, what with the ugliness of a potentially regime-crashing scandal unfolding at Iowa, but a recruit displayed the kind of white-guy speed we only expect from Iowa football players and the occasional meth addict. In the case of the meth addict, we mean the kind of agility and speed one can only have bestowed on you by the power of a police helicopter lighting you at night in a high-speed foot chase.
Riley Reiff, who doesn’t have the requisite barbed-wire bicep wreath yet but assuredly will in keeping with Iowa Honkie Lightning Bolt standards, led eight policemen on a 20 minute chase on foot while “half-naked.” The article mentions the eight policemen to set up a Keystone Kops vibe, since if there is a God in Heaven this whole thing happened in double time to ragtime piano music.
Reiff proved to have a sense of humor once caught, since after causing mayhem in the kitchen of the Pita Pit and zipping around the entire city al fresco en parto, he refused a breathalyzer test, ostensibly because he found the request beyond reason and thus funny. Me? Drunk? How dare you sir! Where are my pants?
Reiff was an incoming freshman, though, and thus technically not eligible for points. It bears mention, though, because it is awesome and awesomely mentionable.
Arr! Say ahoy to me fist! ECU scores three points off an assault with serious injury charge. The victim was found in the street, meaning that if this did start in a bar, the answer to “How well did the victim follow Chuck Liddell’s Barfighting tips?” is “Not well at all, sir.”
Addendum: As for our likely winner going into the final month of competition, well… (more…)
Cold resignation over at BHGP over the Ferentz thing. Literally: resignation.
Here’s the new plan: Resign, all of you. That’s non-negotiable. We trusted you with our children and you betrayed us. You’ve shamed the state of Iowa, the university, the athletic department, the fans, and yourselves. Every day you continue to be employed at the University of Iowa is a day that the UI tells the world that at this school, integrity takes a back seat to PR at all costs.
Not overstatement there, given the circumstances. Hey, have they caught that half-naked kid running through the kitchen at the Pita Pit yet? They did? Shame, that.
Total number of verbals for Washington thus far for 2009? Hint: it’s the same number as the total number of successful accountants who are also flesh-eating lycanthropes!!!! Wait, we know one of those. Howard Felber. Great dude. We’ll just cut to the chase and use the scientific notation: 3.429 X 10 to the power of exactly jack and shit.
By comparison, Miami, the program Washington upended in historical fashion on two occasions in the past fifteen years, has nine verbals. Not to worry, Husky fans: rival Arkansas State doesn’t have any as of yet, either. So you’ve got that going for you. [/spackler'd]
(HT: Bill.)
Charlie Weis thrashes in his dreams on a hot night in South Bend, Indiana.
CW: No, no…stop saying that! STOP SAYING THAT!!!
Weis bolts up in bed, sitting up and fully awake.
Mrs CW: You all right, honey?
CW: It’s horrible. Just horrible. He won’t stop talking. He just keep saying “Wake up the echoes!” and “Foam shillelaghs for everyone!” And he speaks in this voice…
Mrs. CW: You’re just working too hard, honey. It’s just a dream.
CW: …it sounds like he’s underwater. And he’s…British. I don’t get it.
Mrs. CW: Why don’t you go downstairs and have a glass of milk, honey. That’ll help.
CW: I’ll…I’ll do that. I’ll be back.
Charlie Weis pads down the stairs in his shorts. He opens the fridge; its white lights casts an unearthly pallor over the kitchen tiles.
CW: Milk, my ass…let’s see where I put that sandwich…
Pepper, the Notre Dame Comeback Dolphin: ‘Allo there, guv’nah!
CW: OH SWEET JESUS AAAAAAIIIIIGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! (more…)
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Oh, hell. There’s much more to be written about this, but let’s just assume that the “DAMAGE: CATASTROPHIC” reading on Kirk Ferentz’s career meter is accurate, and could be an understatement of the truth. Read this, and nod in agreement that at best, the coach and athletic director of the University of Iowa are both guilty of incompetence in not following university procedure. At the worst, as OPS writes, it’s “conspiracy and malice” demonstrated by a football program that has had the worst, most under-reported, and consistent discipline problem in college football in the past three years.
If this were Miami, SI would be cranking this up as “Quit Football, Part Two.” This is Iowa, however, and thus tiny, in the middle of the country, short on glamour, and therefore off the radar. Despicable is despicable is despicable, however: a month after an alleged sexual assault, the University of Iowa had one of the alleged perpetrators living three doors down from the victim. The upside? If you’re kind of molest-y and can run a 4.4, the University of Iowa is definitely making a push for you to take a campus visit. Hell, their general counsel, on finding out about it, will be so negligent as to not go to the police with the charges or be the adult in the room and make sure procedure is followed–which it wasn’t. Regardless of the charges’ veracity, the reaction to it was jankety at best, a study in pure sketch. And only on a day like this is this second. Oh, and an Iowa recruit led eight officers on a 20 minute chase through Iowa City while he was half-naked. Michigan fans, this could have been you! Why did you settle for Rodriguez when this could have been you? Defeat comes in a million forms. This is one. The monetization of tailgating begins. Senator–please, don’t forget the title–Blutarsky hails the end of the free tailgating era, as Alabama begins an experiment in charging for tailgating slots on the Quad. Expect violence in response, especially when Georgia fans are told doing donuts in their RVs on the pristine green lawns of the University is not a birthright no matter how long they’ve been doing it. For those who enjoy award-type things: the approach of this blog is Spartan in that we don’t believe in awards or honors period, since the real joy lies in the quotidian slashing, abwork, and massively macho posturing Spartans have to do to be Spartans. Some people like that, though, so there’s the link to the College Football Hall of Fame induction ceremony, which featured a notably undead Joe Paterno and Doug Flutie. Carson Palmer hates Ohio State fans. In response, Buckeye fans do thirty more reps of heavy shrugs, some calf work, and call their friend to talk about how awesome Beanie Wells is in NCAA 2009, then more shrugs in their official team jersey. |
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Orson Swindle and Stranko Montana are two men pushing thirty who should know better than to run a college football blog, but evidently don't. Both graduated from the University of Florida, and both agree that college football is far too important to be left to the professionals.
Comments? Questions? Long strings of profanities directed at something we said? Please send your comments to harumphharumph -a- yahoo -dot- com. Please direct all tailgating photos and stories to edsbsfans -a- gmail -dot- com.
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