Two tix to paradise, homey.

Drop a whiny hipster bitch like ourselves stuck in the middle of Ybor City in Tampa at night, and there’s two responses: attempt to cover the sorrow on your face at the horde of fashion victims and future Applebee’s ejectees (”I’ll fucking fight you all! No one said there was any limit on 2-for1 daquiris!”) attempting to reproduce, or down the first eight alcoholic beverages you can find, dive into the worst club playing the worst music, and jump up and down to “Crazy Bitch” all night. Get it? They’re talking about you, baby! I’ll show you where the tribal armband tattoo connects to back at the condo! More jager over here, boss! YO BRAH I’M TALKING TO YOU!

If you’re Vandy running back Jermaine Doster, and you happen find yourself in the petty bourgeoisie rut-gutter that is Ybor, you take option three, one we should look into next time: fighting strangers for no clear reason at all.

According to arrest reports, Doster, 20, was charged with disorderly conduct, criminal mischief and obstructing an officer without violence. Doster was escorted out of The Honey-Pot Bar by Tampa police and was asked to return to his vehicle and leave but failed to cooperate, in the process “causing such a commotion he caused a large crowd to gather.”

Initial score: 7. A proper public fit coupled with a superb name for the club, since the Honey Pot refers to a vagina! Get it! It’s a big pussy, but phrased in a cute manner! ROCK BRAH! Anywhere advertising itself as a “Vegas-type nightclub” ties its own noose, since hell is filled with Vegas nightclubs and New York gambling, and not the other way around. (Vegas is for two things: lolling in the death of Western civilization, and gambling. Other activities not recommended per Oswald Spengler and Orson Swindle.)

Doster bumps up his fit to an 8 on the scale of nightclub foolery, though, by pulling a classic move here:

As a result, he was taken into custody and placed in the back of a squad car, at which time he kicked out one of the rear windows, the report said.

Bobby Brown approves, though the urinating onto the backseat would have bumped this up to a potential 9 on the Brown scale. As it stands, the only real bonus Doster gets is three points in the Fulmer Cup, and a guaranteed bowl berth for Vandy. Write it down.