CURIOUS INDEX, 7/17/08

by Orson on Jul 17, 2008 9:36 AM EDT

It's all gravy for Mangino now. No, wait, that didn't come out right. Mark Mangino gets a fat raise...dammit. Let's try again. Mark Mangino's salary ballooned to...shitfire. Okay, third try: Mark Mangino received a generous raise in his new contract, bringing him to a substantial...it's all entendre'd, isn't it? Fuck it. Mark Mangino gets extra helping of gravy and some dessert on the side as his salary tallies a weighty 2.3 million dollars a year. He's fat. It's hard not to write about.

Jerrell Powe: cleared. After seventeen years of attempts and appeals, Jerrell Powe's long road to divison one footbawl is over: he's been cleared to play. Powe, the star of multiple Ole Miss recruiting classes, received clearance from the SEC to play, meaning the door is now open for Urban Meyer to see if Mike Slive will approve a particularly intelligent bear who's just an amazing prospect for Florida's defensive line.

Jacques McClendon of Tennessee is 3.3 Orsons Strong. Jebus, that's nasty: Jacques McClendon broke the Vols record for the bench press by putting up 645 pounds, a weight Joel translates into any number of helpful measures for you, including 1.43333333 Manginos. Considering the fact we can bench press our body weight and not much else, that's around 3.3 Orsons of strength. (Denser than we look: we blame the relatively large ass for that and the difficulty of finding properly fitting pants not named Dockers.)

In case he feels jealous in all this attention paid to another football player, we remind you that UGA linebacker Rennie "the Liberian Dream" Curran was bull-strong back in high school. The adjectives to describe his level of brute strength are being synthesized in a government chemical lab as we speak.

The last time we saw someone look as uncomfortable in a watercraft as Paul Finebaum does in this interview segment with Nick Saban, Oompa Loompas were powering the boat. There's no knowing where we're rowing...

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Blimey – one has to wonder just what does a little man-o’-war like Mangino do with his prolific salary

built in gravy spigots?
REAL biscuit wheels for his Escalade?
a robotic ass-wiper?

wait… I have it… a man-servant to tie his shoes

by Pirate Petey on Jul 17, 2008 9:43 AM EDT reply actions

Much like the usage of “stone” in the UK, I think “Manginos” should certainly be an accepted measure. For example, “The Coastguard recovered 2.1 Manginos of cocaine from the speedboat,” or LSU fans consumed over 150 Manginos worth of deep fried turkey before the 2008 Florida game."

by Chips O'Toole on Jul 17, 2008 9:56 AM EDT reply actions

I’m alittle skeptical that Mangino only weighs 460lbs (horray public school math! I did the conversion!)

by beckett on Jul 17, 2008 9:57 AM EDT reply actions

@#3 – I blame the government school.

by Tebow's shoelace on Jul 17, 2008 10:18 AM EDT reply actions

evri dae shood bee suk mye dik, mutherr fukcerrs!!!!

by Jerrell Powe on Jul 17, 2008 10:20 AM EDT reply actions

Oh please, if there is a G** in Heaven and an LSUFreek, please let us have the bear in a Gator uniform destroying some offensive line. Please!

by Sniffer on Jul 17, 2008 10:24 AM EDT reply actions

Interview?

by hunglikehussain on Jul 17, 2008 10:24 AM EDT reply actions

Yeah, am I missing the link to Finebaum/Saban?

by doubtingthomas on Jul 17, 2008 10:25 AM EDT reply actions

Lets see, 645 lbs….that is alot of weight…now it begs to question, has that man been drug tested? If not, if he gets on drugs, he will probaly be the worlds first 1000 pound plus bench presser, then promptly keel over from a heart explosion…..The evil weight trainer in me wants the kid to take Hgh, Clear, Reeses monkey hormone, pitiutary gland hormone from a cadaver, liquid gunpowder, some silicone, then ship him to Kong Island and let him grow some more, like a dinosaur….dont you people know that Tim Tebow warms up with 645 × 12?

by Mr. Pelican Pants on Jul 17, 2008 10:26 AM EDT reply actions

Mangino weighs 1.117 Jabba the Hutts or 1.498 Jerrapows. Take your pick.

by yoyofutbawl on Jul 17, 2008 10:29 AM EDT reply actions

Pat Robertson is not impressed with your bench press numbers, weakling. Obviously, your faith is lacking.

by An Old Standerd on Jul 17, 2008 10:38 AM EDT reply actions

After finding the video(Terrible production) I do have to say I think Sabans over hand ‘gesturing’ has to be some kind of demonic mind control.

http://finebaum.com/

by FW Barner on Jul 17, 2008 10:41 AM EDT reply actions

That’s quite an impressive accomplishment by Mr. McClendon.

His feat begs the question: when will the entire Tennessee football team oil themselves up, put ridiculous chains around their necks and pose shirtless with hilariously-forced “game faces”?

Huh? Oh…..oh wait, never mind….

by rjsplow on Jul 17, 2008 10:41 AM EDT reply actions

There have been a handful of power-lifters who’ve bench pressed 1,000 pounds. I’m too lazy to look for it, but one guy said the first time he did it, his eyeballs vibrated and he could hear the blood rushing through his ears.

by Harris on Jul 17, 2008 10:43 AM EDT reply actions

“Jerrell Powe, defensive man-child and probable Highlights subscriber”

The people in the white suits with nets are coming to get me for laughing uncontrollably at that line.

by White Speed Recieiver on Jul 17, 2008 10:48 AM EDT reply actions

“Denser than we look: we blame the relatively large ass for that and the difficulty of finding properly fitting pants not named Dockers.”

Orson, I suffer from the same problem; I look like J-Lo’s long lost brother. Can I recommend the Diesel jeans in the “Kuratt” style and Lucky Jeans in the 181 loose fit bootleg style. That and taylored slacks is how I role…. role, like Mangino down a hill.

by socalbryan on Jul 17, 2008 10:54 AM EDT reply actions

I just hope the kid doesn’t have any anger management issues.

by blon57 on Jul 17, 2008 11:01 AM EDT reply actions

Socal, the hints are noted. Levis never fit. Either they’re falling off, or the testicles are pushed forward into a fruit basket shape.

by Orson Swindle on Jul 17, 2008 11:06 AM EDT reply actions

#16, #18

I didn’t know men actually thought about this.

But on the other hand, re: #18, that’s way more information than I probably ever needed to know about you.

by blon57 on Jul 17, 2008 11:43 AM EDT reply actions

This correction is purely constructive:

“wait I have it a man-servant to SEE his shoes.”

by gurn on Jul 17, 2008 11:49 AM EDT reply actions

Mr. Pelican Pants…

“Reeses monkey hormone”

Say wha…?

“You got your monkey in my peanut butter!” “No, you got your peanut butter on my monkey!”

Okay that just sounded wrooooong…

by the croominator on Jul 17, 2008 11:55 AM EDT reply actions

blon57 @ 19 – oh sure, I spend most of my time in the morning asking if this suit makes my ass look fat.

by DC Trojan on Jul 17, 2008 11:58 AM EDT reply actions

#22

I decided a long time ago that I would never date/marry a man who cares more about clothes than I do. He would take up too much closet space and hog the mirror. I bet Nick Saban’s wife has a fight on her hands.

And I’m old enough not to give a damn if a man thinks my butt is too big (which it isn’t, by the way).

by blon57 on Jul 17, 2008 12:08 PM EDT reply actions

@ #14

Those were assisted lifts, the raw bench press record is 715 pounds.

by VolunteerValtrex on Jul 17, 2008 2:16 PM EDT reply actions

The evil weight trainer in me wants the kid to take Hgh, Clear, Reeses monkey hormone, pitiutary gland hormone from a cadaver, liquid gunpowder, some silicone, then ship him to Kong Island and let him grow some more, like a dinosaur.

I think you left out “some kind of fish paralyzer”.

by ChemE93 on Jul 17, 2008 2:34 PM EDT reply actions

22—

Not a problem. You can comfortably fit 3 levels of Saban’s suits in a standard closet.

by PW on Jul 17, 2008 3:56 PM EDT reply actions

Paul Finebaun in asmall boat with Saban? He should be nervous. Four Mill a year buys a lot of witnesses. Rennine Curren swam all the way from Liberia just to kick ass!

by shanensga on Jul 17, 2008 4:19 PM EDT reply actions