COUNTDOWN: 42
“For every beauty there is an eye somewhere to see it.”
July 17, 2008
A FAREWELL TO AMOROUS BIG CATS
Orgeron. Perrilloux. SLOCUM? One by one, our best material has gone gently into that good night of jucos and position coaching, and today we hear rumblings that an EDSBS Most Favored Son is an academic casualty and a Wolverine no more.
In his own words, we give you Marques Slocum, remixed in sonnet-ish form. Read, remember, and mourn.
got a fuck lion now come fuck wit me
i hope my wife know ima be man! fuck dat spider
I like 2 licky licky licky licky
My mom CARLA i think she da realest bitch alive
im fuckin wit a rock or a pit just so it can cha cat
yea, beerfest bitch! im ready 4 da boot!
come on now! what type of question is dat?
why da fuck am i doin dis interview
shit i at least get a bird bath but yea i shower everyday
opera- no, musical- no, play- no, performance- fuuuuuuuuuuuck no
come on now i wanna fly i hate walkin dat shit overrated
u just fucked up da mood, i guess i aint sayin no more jokes
i dont give a fuck i just want 2 get on
sprint/nextel bitch! dey got da best phones
NCAA 2009: DIE, NINE FOOT TALL LINEBACKER, DIE.
Peter Crouch: no longer all-time LB in NCAA 2009.We have had NCAA 2009 for two days now, and are overjoyed to say that for once, the recently updated update of a game monkeyed with mercilessly does….does not suck. It doesn’t suck at all in fact, and despite the embarrassing number of hours we played the good-not-great NCAA 08, it will easily surpass its predecessor in hours logged. Our XBox360, just like yours, keeps track of all of that for us. Our XBox360 is an asshole.
Cardinal points follow:
Die, nine-foot-tall linebacker, die. One of NCAA 2008’s most grating tweaks was the hyperbolic pass coverage of opposing defenses, both yours and the defense’s. A 5′10″ middle linebacker with a 74 rating would, with bowel-twisting frequency, go on his toes when your qb dropped back, accelerate into the air like an anime character, and pick off your perfectly lofted crossing pattern. If this wasn’t galling enough, the character would sometimes do this from impossible angles, or after “recovering” from a play-fake bite, or even soaring from the bench trailing little Nintendo stars on his way to ruining the clean slate you thought your were finally going to post in a game BUT NO NINE FOOT LINEBACKER MUST GET HIS.
The nine foot linebacker has been euthanized in NCAA 2009. (more…)
THE RULES: NOT ACCEPTING MARRIAGE PROPOSALS
Yes, this is written by a woman, and no, you should not email her, you creepy internet stalker you.
VISITING LECTURER: LIEUTENANT WINSLOW ON MIAMI
Teams: there are a lot of them. In our effort to bring you the finest “bullshit” coverage of college football, our Visiting Lecturer Series today welcomes Lieutenant Winslow, who brings us the only review of DA U you need to read ever for any reason. Get out the tubes and drop your pants: your mind-colonic starts now. Featuring assists by the Great Barstoolio.
One: What color is your season? In other words, please explain the metaphorical state of your program through the metaphor of color:
The color of the U’s 2008 campaign is definitely green. Not green, as in we get paid _____ by our local benefactors. and not green as in we like to smoke the _______, but green as in… Randy Shannon is putting the best players on the field regardless of age or gameday experience. Case in point: Miami’s starting quarterback in 2008 will be either the redshirt freshman Robert Marve (who, it should be noted, broke every one of Orson’s boyfriend’s high school football records in the state of Florida) or… true freshman Jacory Harris, who, in addition to leading Miami Northwestern Senior High School to like 15 straight 6A state championships and a #1 national ranking in 2007, hasn’t lost a football game since the Clinton administration. Anyone who actually watched Miami play last year is well aware that the vast majority of Miami’s upper-classmen are just not that good at football. Randy has made no secret about the fact that, come August, the best players on the team are starting. Miami’s top talent is disproportionately found in its freshman and sophmore classes; hence, the 2008 Miami Hurricanes are green. Very, very fucking green.
Or black, if you want to be racialist about it.
KANSAS BRINGS A BAZOOKA TO A KNIFE FIGHT
That will be half a million, please.Kansans, known for being bold pioneers in the field of anti-evolutionary biology and tornado-enabled interdimensional travel, may claim another title: the first state to attempt to stake out an entire color as a copyrighted entity.
You may recall a t-shirt last season that read “Our Coach Can Eat Your Coach,” a bit of innocuous, non-name specific piece of puffery probably defensible under the First Amendment. (Lawyas, form of inveterate debate club! Lodge your depositions in the comment sections, since you will anyway.) The company producing the shirts, a small outfit called Joe-College.com, made the shirts along with a haul of others. Standard small-time American commerce.
Joe-College.com made one crucial error: they used the color blue, a tint apparently owned by Kansas, meaning we owe them a shitload of money for toting around these baby blues all these years. (Estimated cash value of our entire life’s work: $282.50. Come get some, counselor! We dare you!)
For some reason, the owner Larry Sinks was told by a Kansas judge yesterday to pay Kansas a sum of money we find positively redonkulous: $127,337, a stupendously idiotic number a good bit reduced from the $500,000 originally requested by Kansas. (more…)
CURIOUS INDEX, 7/17/08
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It’s all gravy for Mangino now. No, wait, that didn’t come out right. Mark Mangino gets a fat raise…dammit. Let’s try again. Mark Mangino’s salary ballooned to…shitfire. Okay, third try: Mark Mangino received a generous raise in his new contract, bringing him to a substantial…it’s all entendre’d, isn’t it? Fuck it. Mark Mangino gets extra helping of gravy and some dessert on the side as his salary tallies a weighty 2.3 million dollars a year. He’s fat. It’s hard not to write about. Jerrell Powe: cleared. After seventeen years of attempts and appeals, Jerrell Powe’s long road to divison one footbawl is over: he’s been cleared to play. Powe, the star of multiple Ole Miss recruiting classes, received clearance from the SEC to play, meaning the door is now open for Urban Meyer to see if Mike Slive will approve a particularly intelligent bear who’s just an amazing prospect for Florida’s defensive line. Jacques McClendon of Tennessee is 3.3 Orsons Strong. Jebus, that’s nasty: Jacques McClendon broke the Vols record for the bench press by putting up 645 pounds, a weight Joel translates into any number of helpful measures for you, including 1.43333333 Manginos. Considering the fact we can bench press our body weight and not much else, that’s around 3.3 Orsons of strength. (Denser than we look: we blame the relatively large ass for that and the difficulty of finding properly fitting pants not named Dockers.) In case he feels jealous in all this attention paid to another football player, we remind you that UGA linebacker Rennie “the Liberian Dream” Curran was bull-strong back in high school. The adjectives to describe his level of brute strength are being synthesized in a government chemical lab as we speak. The last time we saw someone look as uncomfortable in a watercraft as Paul Finebaum does in this interview segment with Nick Saban, Oompa Loompas were powering the boat. There’s no knowing where we’re rowing… |
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