Comments on: REST FOREVER WITH PETE CARROLL

By: Boilermaker5212

Boilermaker5212 — Thu, 31 Jul 2008 02:14:56 +0000

Let your journey into the afterlife begin at the Purdue Polyandrium, also known as the Boilermaker Boneyard. For a small fee (50% given to the John Purdue Club) you too can have your remains cryogenically frozen while our science and engineering majors work to invent a way to re-animate your corpse. Your custom cryo-capsule will buried in one of four locations: the Bob Griese Gardens, located in the Black and Gold IM fields where you will forever be a part of the tailgating community; the Jim Everett Mausoleum, placed in a discreet location on Chauncy Hill, will allow you to party it up with all of the Breakfast Clubbers during every football season AND Grand Prix weekend; the Mike Alstott Mastaba, built into the Ross-Ade stadium foundation underneath the student section, will allow you to eternally chant “Boiler Up”, “One, two, three, four, first down”, and hassle referees for bad calls; finally the Drew Brees Necropolis gives you the all access on, or shall we say under, field pass you’ve always wanted as it is strategically located beneath the 50-yard line where the Boilermaker Special and Purdue players alike will consistently disrupt your slumber.

*Fee not refunded if re-animation process fails to work, or does not work as intended.

By: David Puddy

David Puddy — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 22:04:15 +0000

As a cemetery groundskeeper during my summers home from school, I abide.

Here at Mountaineer Crematory, we are proud to offer your loved ones the most excellent honor that a West Virginian can receive: To be turned into ashes, just like your living room couch. No longer just a rite of passage for the drunken faithful of Morgantown, here at our Crematory we add the dimension of spirituality to the ritual of Couch Burning. The official Mountaineer mascot will ignite your corpse using pure, West Virginia coal while the inbred banjo player from Deliverance will serenade your en fuego remains with “Take Me Home, Country Roads.”

We offer the spreading of your ashes in Jim Bob’s bathtub to become part of his seasonal moonshine (later to be consumed by WVU tailgaters), or full interment of your remains in the trailer park overlooking Mountaineer Field. We offer competitive rates for our services, although we’re known to be outbid by similar entities in Alabama and Michigan. Former University President turned Secretary Mike Garrison will be happy to take your call and book your appointment today!

By: willet

willet — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 21:51:09 +0000

Sparteemike you are a tool. QEDMF

By: Mr. Pelican Pants

Mr. Pelican Pants — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 20:30:59 +0000

At the Crimson Catacombs, you will be interred in a scaled down version of Denny Chimes, and with your added donation to the University, your bones could be ground into dust and added to the concrete that will be used in the newest expansion of the Stadium, which the concrete company is owned by none other than Paul W. Bryant,Jr…that right there is pretty close to heaven…the beauty of this plan is that the Catacombs will be actually under the stadium……and by default we will always break the attendance record for a spring game since we will be allowed to count those fans attending the game and those fans buried under the stadium…..92,000 above and below, thats a new record of 184,000

By: The Song of Hiawatha Francisco

The Song of Hiawatha Francisco — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 20:06:08 +0000

Four Horseman Mortuary, one of the last independent mortuaries in the country, is proud to offer funeral services fitting the discriminating tastes of the Notre Dame graduate. We at Four Horseman Mortuary are committed to bringing the Notre Dame alumnus the finest in post-mortem accommodations, and it does not get finer than our Rockne Package. The Rockne Package offers burial on the uppermost slopes of Mt. Everest, so you may continue looking down on everyone else even in death. And you’ll be in good company. Our cemetery is home to some of the world’s most famous and successful corpses, of which we’ll constantly remind you even though most of them died decades ago. Sure, your friends and relatives might be clamoring for you to join them at their cemeteries, which you constantly visit, but fuck them. Tradition is tradition.

Despite the fervent hoping of your loved ones every fall, we cannot wake up your echoes. However, you can eternally rest knowing that your rotting corpse received an internment just as good as anything from the Ivy League.

Four Horseman Mortuary: Serving Notre Dame Men since 1842 (and Notre Dame Women since 1975).

By: scalz1

scalz1 — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:43:26 +0000

Here in lovely Luau Gardens, the Hawaii faithful will be buried over top of red hot coals for 3 days. Then, your delicious Kahlua favored corpse will be dug up and placed on a huge platter with complimentary poi. Your remains will then be placed on the west side of the Pali mountains, providing the best view of Aloha Stadium. During your interment, an honor guard of Samoans will chant a haka while lovely hulu girls wave you into your Sandwich Isles heaven. You don’t have to worry about anyone bothering your eternal slumber by paying their respects, because no one respects the WAC.

By: socalbryan

socalbryan — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:29:09 +0000

USC fans don’t need a Trojan themed cemetary in order to be close to their beloved Trojans in the afterlife, because Pete Carroll will visit us in heaven. Pete Carroll’s spirit is not limited to this earth, and in fact, spends much of it’s time shaking hands and inspiring those in heaven to win forever and always comPETE.

By: hueyp

hueyp — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 19:08:44 +0000

Alternatively for LSU fans . . .

At “Tiger Tombs,” we’ve expanded upon the tradition of Louisiana’s above-ground cemeteries by converting the now-vacant dorm rooms built into Tiger Stadium into a place you will want to spend eternity (and never miss a game).

By: jd

jd — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:32:41 +0000

penn state meadows

located in the farming grounds outside the stadium, student tuition will pay for groundskeeping, and an extra fee will keep certain coaches from lurking on the grounds at night looking for scraps.

By: UFJim

UFJim — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:08:34 +0000

sorry to burst the bubble, Florida already has a cemetery for fans

no punchline coming. seriously we already did it.

By: ChemE93

ChemE93 — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 18:01:26 +0000

At War Eagle Eternity Farms, spend your days six feet under in the Loveliest Village! Sign up before Labor Day and get a free roll of toilet paper and Sociology Degree at no additional cost! Any client�le needing our services due to an unintentional illegal chop block will also receive 20% off their headstone, as per the requirements of the class action lawsuit settlement. To help ensure a peaceful interment, the deceased may request temporary re-animation and de-briefing should Auburn win the MNC and/or pass bama in the all-time series. This service is NOT available for notification of Heisman trophies or undefeated seasons.

DISCLAIMER: Free Sociology Degree is not SACS accredited. University not responsible for damage caused by unapproved tailgating on plots. Corpses subject to routine experimentation on the effects of various agricultural products on human flesh under a pending USDA proposal. Temporary re-animation not guaranteed to be reversible or non-mutative.

By: marcillac

marcillac — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:52:16 +0000

Gwen@32

The ecological and entertainment benefits are most fetching.

By: DC Trojan

DC Trojan — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:18:22 +0000

Come on down to Neuheisel’s Necropolis, formerly the Bruin Boneyard! Coach Rick Neuheisel has the sleeping giant of southern California charnel houses ready to awake and depose the Campo Santo della Carroll across town!

You just can’t beat Neuheisel’s Necropolis! The staff has national championships in flower arranging, lawn mowing, weed-pulling, and all the other minor elements of cemetery management, and Coach Rick Neuheisel is now poised to win the real deal!

Every plot comes with a free Passion Bucket for the bereft Bruins you’ll leave behind! Emote at will in the luxury of gorgeous grounds in an upper middle class enclave, and the taxpayer foots most of the bill! What a deal!

Book now, and ask about our bereaved baksheesh package!*

*For families with 4 or 5 star recruits only; the recruit’s chair does not have any attached baksheesh per NCAA regulations. Neuheisel’s Necropolis does not supply recruits with mausoleums or funeral corteges in other parts of the southland, unlike some graveyards we could name.

By: now_a_hoo

now_a_hoo — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 17:10:02 +0000

Northwestern, Stanford and Duke fans are creating a consortium to make their own cemetary. No one over 6′4″ or 280 allowed, for “academic reasons,” and a wrought iron gate at the front, reading:
We don’t fret,
We don’t fuss,
For even in death,
You’ll be working for us!

By: hobeg8r

hobeg8r — Wed, 16 Jul 2008 16:56:21 +0000

University of Miami Mausoleum (currently under “renovation” at the Orange Bowl), complete with free drive-by shootings every hour on the hour. We are proud to offer various coaching packages. For the Dennis Erickson years – access to the ASU website; for the Jimmy Johson years – a can of hairspray, for the Howard Schnellenberger years – a complimentary suit and tie; for the Larry Coker years – a program from the FIU game. For additional fees, you can receive a copy of the Gino Torretta Heisman trophy, a picture of Warren Sapp patrolling the da U sidelines, and the complete arrest report of Michael Irvin. Background music to consist of repeated recordings of “Wide Right, Wide Left.” Unfortunately, there is no parking offered at Mausoleum at the current time. However, your family may negotiate parking spaces in the local neighborhood at various prices dependent on “block or no block”.